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Yeah I found him to be an unnecessary tw*t. Barely made a save and looks less than champion material. Being shitter than Pickford? A painful truth.

Maximum Steve

I saw it this afternoon and it was amazing. It felt so real, terribly and joyously, that i feel haunted now by its seeming authenticity. The closeness we feel to our parents, and they feel to us, but the secrets kept to begin with and eternally. It said so much, and terrifies me with its...

On that there Thursday just gone i grabbed the last sort of free Mubi ticket night for No Bears. It has felt an age since seeing something of quality and this was it, for me. It spilt from the screen, a little as the director's son's film did a few months ago, with the news of the director...

I'd have all football shirts fitted with a card pocket, and have a pair of cards inserted. We'd then at least know which one they were referring to, and enjoy the players fiddling and being embarrassed when they actually wave the meaningless coloured card in the air or someone's face.

It was a few weeks ago. Saw it then in my local arthouse and was duly struck and absorbed by it. Quite a watch.

I was on the 3,219,668 shortlist and I felt quite excited about my prospects. They only whittled down the number by 2000 or so a week so I was disappointed to lose my place in Qatar in 1987.

Had mine a couple of lunchtimes ago. Had a small interrogation over why i was there - you're under 50, explain yourself - but quiveringly pulled the brain damage tale from under my hat, and got jabbed. I feel a bit eurgh, but not too bad.

Um, where was i? So, the festival. A bit meh, or ok not bad. My favourite of the few i saw was Close. Really quite moving drama of 2 Belgian teens so entwined and attached that it seems nothing can separate them. But time and development and a single comment begins a divide. The awfulness of...

I seem to have mildly lost the lust for semi-grumpily bemoaning the quality of film out there weekly. But, well, you know, it's film festival season, and i saw a couple of flicks yesterday and thought i'd say my feelings on them. The first was Corsage. Blinking H Norabeans, Vicky Krieps has...

And on a more serious note, burying pets. My own, after a reasonable, loving lifespan, fine. A mini ceremony, tears shed, a nugget for Frank the taxidermist to stuff it and leave it with a scathing stare up on the balcony of death. But the guinea pigs, roosters, bee hives and tortoises I've...

Yer mum

When i was around 13, perhaps 15 years prior to finding this gaseous porcupine of a retirement home, a teacher read an environmentalist poem i'd written and said i had a way with words, and could one day be a writer. As with so many of my era and before, compliments were rare throughout youth...

I have my main clobber dried and shrunken into a series of condoms, which i swallow before flying and excrete on arrival. Not always perfect, of course, as i think i still have a pair of speedos in my bowels from late (non-solly) March. But i'm hoping a jonny with a faux fur coat in, or my...

Popping the old gas man uniform on and deceiving the elderly. The character I play is Dave Winstanley, from Stockport - eyepatch, lisp and plenty a tale of his wife, Gladys, and son the first in the family to go to university and study gynaecology, or "summit about parts". Home by 5, I'd say...

He'll probably get his dream striker for Chelsea and be fired 1 week later

Someone with a doctorate in emotional intelligence and 2nd dan in kendo.

Pascal jr

His lumberingness isn't to a team's benefit, but I tend to think that his role as captain for a team that are outsmarted and outfought by the majority of opponents shows him not much of a leader. With Utd though you can go through the entirety of what could loosely be described as a spine and...

*anti jinx slap*