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Bird on left looks down at the ground to her right and thinks to herself: "I wonder if she'll notice that i've completely squashed one of her bowls?"

Bird on left thinks: "Any minute now she'll fall through that trap-door".

Debenhams.

Old dear on left says: "When I read the community minibus trip schedule, I thought today's itinerary was BOWELS".

See, NONE of these photos of Heidi definitively show that she actually has lower legs. There's the merest hint of a heel in the second shot, but I can't be sure.

No. Her lower legs are missing.

Artois, I reckon about 1000 of your 1500 posts are purely pictures of Rachel Stevens. You should be up for a 'life-time achievement' or 'contribution to mankind' award.

Use the company credit card. Everyone else does. They just haven't told you it even exists.

Hmm. My ex flatmate bought a Minidisc deck a couple of years ago from a crap hi street chain and within the first year he had to take it back twice. Basically, get in touch with whoever sold it to you, and get them to re-start the warranty not from the date of purchase, but from the point when...

OK, we'll use them for extra time in the UEFA, Carling, and LDV cups, but only after a pointless trial in the Jersey Island league. They will also be coloured pink.

As head of UEFA, I will introduce a second, blue, ball to the field of play, worth TWO goals. It'll be sweet watching the confusion on players' faces, not knowing whether to grab the glory of scoring with the blue ball, or hedging their bets and going for the white ball. There'll be two...

He's hilarious in interview, and looks like a hybrid of Lord Charles, the ventriloquist's doll ("You silly arse!"), and John Inman.

Damnit, it's obvious to you, and it's obvious to me. I've got a plan, let's have a f***ing REVOLUTION. Chappers, you go and take over FIFA, i'll run UEFA.

I went to the Confederations Cup semi between France and Turkey last summer at the Stade de France, and the turkish fans did not stop hurling objects towards the pitch (about the only good thing about having a running track between fans and pitch is that objects from the crowd don't usually make...

Indeed, and i'm pretty sure that there was a recent court case involving a gang of yobs who carried out such copy-cat crime. I really enjoyed the film, mainly because it was so damn different to most films that I tend to watch, and made me think a bit. It's not one you watch over and over...

I think Stanley Kubrick banned it himself as he'd made a film which was both violent and potentially politically explosive - one of the main themes is governments using extreme methods to rid society of ill, in this case, aversion therapy. There's also the argument that Kubrick banned the film...

YEAH Chappers, you ****. Why haven't you got MSN? Owning a computer and not having MSN is like having a Renault 5 Turbo and not having 7 exhaust pipes. Grrrrrrrrr.

M&S, dark blue. Nice.

"You eat shit for breakfast?" (Happy Gilmore)

You f***ing BATTY BOYS