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I love my smartphone. A fantastic piece of kit. Why would I want to give it up? It provides huge benefits to my life and I can't think of a single negative.

Twas but a joke.

Because he plays for Brighton. Because he's from Brighton. Because he is absolute class. Because they are c****.

West Street Firm.

I wouldn't have it for a starter, possibly as dessert.

We should be beating little teams like Sheffield United and I'm sure we will. Better than Wednesday without a doubt, but Nallven Slaaaags all the same.

Very fast apparently, which, if nothing else, will be extremely good for me on Fifa 20. Get him in.

I like to give the kids their presents early. I'm normally up before they are, looking forward to seeing their faces. Then I have plenty of time before the traditional pub trip to set up things, insert batteries and have a bit of fun playing with them.

Montoya is a player that frustrates me from time to time but last night he was fantastic. It was a Brunoesque style performance and if Bruno had put that performance in, we would all be purring over it. So proud of the whole team last night. The table might not show it, but we know it, they...

I cannot understand why that wasn't a penalty. Superb team performance but we were robbed there.

Didn't look like a grehound, more like a rabbit in the headlights. He absolutely froze that day.

Just concerned that Montoya gets frustrated at times and I can see him picking up a couple of yellows against Tumble. I like him better as a wingback and think we might need extra defensive cover for him. It Might help with us missing a natural CDM like Stephens too. In Potter I trust though.

Worried about our right-back, whichever one plays there, facing Mr Tumble. Maybe 5 at the back is the way to go. Still think we'll take this though, 1-2.

Another 1-2 for us I think. Just don't, under any circumstances, play The Greyhound.

I'm conflicted on this issue. A patriotic unionist Scot is the same to me as a proud Englishman. I love Scotland, to me the Highlands are among the most beautiful places on Earth. I love our shared and bloody history and the wonderful things that we have accomplished as a United Kingdom. Then...

The "All right you spotty little black-clad slags, let's 'ave it. " Derby.

I met Perry Digweed once. He was drunk. He was crying. He said his brother had been horrible to him. I liked Perry Digweed. Shame about his testicles.

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Mackerel is the only fish that doesn't contain any of the letters from the words Swindon Town.