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I spoke to a man today who said "pacifically" instead of "specifically". And I think he was quite rich and owned lots of land.

Isn't Falmer in Brighton Kemptown rather than Pavilion? And anyway, I think Caplin will lose at the election regardless of Falmer: he's been a depressingly long way up Blair's arse over the whole war thing. At least Turner and Lepper rebelled. By the way, no I don't want an argument about the...

JP might say yes on Monday. That'd be nice.

I've still got a toilet seat, but it's in my mum's house, because I lived there at the time. She went a bit angry when I attached it to the actual toilet we had in our bathroom, and demanded it was taken off again. Oh, and I did use lots of Dettol when I got it home, by the way.

I live in Carlisle and really, really want United to stay up. I think they'll be in with a chance on the last day, a la us at Hereford...

Ooh, I dunno, I think Winkleman's rather tasty

Prezza quoted in today's Guardian Jesus wept, surely this must give us some hope?

Personally, I don't think it's fair to involve Jo Bellotti in all of this. She may be a bit loose-thighed, but she didn't play any part in shafting our football club. I'm still waiting for Mr Bellotti's replies to my letters about Bristol Rugby club's merger (I asked him, as a Bath fan, if...

While drawing one-all at Port Vale The Albion couldn't quite fail to notice the din caused by Leicester's home win because three of their players had bail.

Frazer Stretton is hopeless. Remember the 4-4 at the Goldstone against Orient? He totally lost control of that one, and has been crap every time I've seen him since. Still not as bad as Prosser though.

The legend they called Gotsmanov Didn't issue so much as a cough Coming down with the lurgie He said: "My name's Sergei Beolorussian, so germs bugger off!"

The thing about David Bellotti, Is his young wife's mouth, which is quite potty. When she met Robbie Fowler She said: "Fancy my growler? "Or would you prefer up the botty?"

Finish limericks to go with the following first lines supplied by me "At supper one day with Dick Knight... "The thing about David Bellotti... "There was once a full-back named Cullip... Best one wins a pint. Or something.

Commentators who say things like "Steven Gerrard's warming up at this moment in time". How can a moment be in anything else? "Steven Gerrard's warming up at this moment in custard" -- see, it doesn't work.

Yes, and when Young Boys had to call off a UEFA cup preliminary because their new ground wasn't fully built, a brilliant sub editor on the ESPN football website wrote the headline. Young Boys' Wankdorf erection woe Marvellous scenes.

I went to the dentist for the first time in four years today (my teeth are in a shocking state) and as soon as he peered into my gob, he said to the dental nurse: "STNAD". Is that a dental abbreviation for something derogatory about my oral health? Anyone know?

Reminds me of the Shirehorses' excellent "Ballad of Franny Lee": Going down Going down Little Franny Lee Down to division three With only one lad who isn't half bad and that's little George Kinklad-zeee

The English Channel

All plays are scripted. Some of them are good, some aren't. Mostly it depends on the actors. Harry Hill writes his own scripts with a team of about three other people, by the way.

Ah, leave it out! People on the radio stumble over their words sometimes. Such as calling Prince Charles' girlfriend "Camilla Parker Bowels".