[Humour] Recreate the Match-day Experience Whilst Watching the Game on Telly!

[The Fifth Column]

For the non-concourse types. At HT stand in front of your sofa and look around the room remarking on how good the carpet looks, query whether that picture on the wall was there last week and then get on your phone and call your mate at his house, place your phones at opposite ends of the room and then wave at each other animatedly whilst saying, 'I'm here can't you see me, next to the bloke in the red jacket, I'm waving now, yes yes that's me, waheeey'. Every now and again back right up against your sofa so your calves are digging into it to allow your missus to squeeze by in front of you, it really helps if you put all your dining chairs in a row just in front of the sofa. Turn around occasionally and stare up at the coving rubbing your chin thoughtfully. Get a mate to stand behind the sofa and have a conversation about the first half, remarking on our inability to score a goal, how shit VAR is and other such cliches. Drop an open bottle of mineral water in front of the sofa and aloow the contents to spill all over the carpet, let the kids make a total mess and throw all litter on the floor. As the players run out and everyone takes their seats ensure two people stay in the kitchen and then take their seats 5 mins late in front of you on the dining room chairs, roll your eyes and under your breath say, 'Same every fricking week, they know when kick off is FFS". Sit back and watch us not win.

 

[GT49er]

Late-comer to this thread. Fvckin' brilliant! Cheers everybody.

 

[Jack Straw]

Half way through the first half, you're breaking your neck for a piss.
You can't leave your seat in case you miss something on the pitch.
You can feel a little bit of seepage, but it's just collateral damage from drinking too much in the preceding hour.
There is an after-the-watershed blood curdling 50/50 tackle in which one player (hopefully theirs), is left writhing on the ground with one of his lower leg parts just being prevented from coming completely detached from his knee courtesy of a few sinews.
You run to your toilet faster than Usain Bolt on speed running down hill with the wind behind him.
You try and get your penis out as quick as possible minding you don't become a victim of a zip / penis interface situation. The seepage increases but now it's dripping in to your toilet pan.
You rev up and now your penis is expelling the contents of your bladder at a pressure greater than that of a fireman's hose.
This goes on for quite a time and in your mind you're thinking, I hope the injury was nothing trivial and when I get back, the game hasn't restarted.
After five minutes of putting out a fire, you put the mouse back in the house and run back to your seat at a slightly slower speed than on your way to the toilet, still trying to pull up your zip correctly, leaving behind a complete piss-fest all over the bathroom and your trousers.
You get back to your seat, and the game has already restarted.

 

[BN9 BHA]

Half way through the first half, you're breaking your neck for a piss.
You can't leave your seat in case you miss something on the pitch.
You can feel a little bit of seepage, but it's just collateral damage from drinking too much in the preceding hour.
There is an after-the-watershed blood curdling 50/50 tackle in which one player (hopefully theirs), is left writhing on the ground with one of his lower leg parts just being prevented from coming completely detached from his knee courtesy of a few sinews.
You run to your toilet faster than Usain Bolt on speed running down hill with the wind behind him.
You try and get your penis out as quick as possible minding you don't become a victim of a zip / penis interface situation. The seepage increases but now it's dripping in to your toilet pan.
You rev up and now your penis is expelling the contents of your bladder at a pressure greater than that of a fireman's hose.
This goes on for quite a time and in your mind you're thinking, I hope the injury was nothing trivial and when I get back, the game hasn't restarted.
After five minutes of putting out a fire, you put the mouse back in the house and run back to your seat at a slightly slower speed than on your way to the toilet, still trying to pull up your zip correctly, leaving behind a complete piss-fest all over the bathroom and your trousers.
You get back to your seat, and the game has already restarted.

We’ve all done it.

 

[Winker]

Arrive in the living room full of hope and a belly full of fine Italian food*. Take off coat whilst ostentatiously and rhetorically looking around for a coat rail before indignantly placing coat on back of chair. Watch game in near silence and zero atmosphere.

* I pre-match in Cin Cin

WSL?

 

[Winker]

Enter your kitchen an hour before kick off to avoid the inevitable queue in the hallway and drink a bottle of Hobgoblin in lieu of Harvey's (well the Harvey's shop in Lewes is closed and Aldi's don't stock it). Watch the early game on a small TV and enter into small talk with a total stranger about that game or the forthcoming one (well ok it's your missus who doesn't give a monkeys). Whilst having your second bottle look around hoping one of your 'support bubble' has snuck in. Go and sit down and wonder who was shouting about being so fat and sha**ing the goalie's biscuit.

 

[Bodian]

Stick a poster on your fridge listing all the delicious and refreshing items contained within it.
Get two members of your family preferably the oldest and the youngest - if you have an elderly grandparent in yr bubble the better, gender is irrelevant - ask them to stand in front of the fridge for 10 mins but not to look at the list that is right in front of their noses.
You should stand behind them for an equal amount of time.
When the 10 mins are up ask them to open the fridge door and then spend the next 5 minutes asking each other what they would like to take from the fridge.
Mutter under your breath ‘oh, for ****s sake’

And then curse some more when they get out handfuls of notes and change, only to be told that it's card only. But the oldest member 'doesn't do plastic', and the youngest hasn't got a bank account....

 

[gordycom]

me and my son recreate the north stand experience by standing up all match at opposite ends of the sofa and singing 2 different songs at the same time as fast as we can, whilst the cat sits in the middle trying to join in. It will do until we can actually go again.

 

[BrianWade4]

Leave your house after the game....
Stand still in the pissing rain for an hour...
Ask strangers to shout in your ear and swear as close to you as physically possible....
All whilst so desperate for the toilet you vow to wear a nappy to the next game.

to recreate the train queue

 

[BrianWade4]

We’ve all done it.

Yes. Every home game

 

[BrianWade4]

Half way through the first half, you're breaking your neck for a piss.
You can't leave your seat in case you miss something on the pitch.
You can feel a little bit of seepage, but it's just collateral damage from drinking too much in the preceding hour.
There is an after-the-watershed blood curdling 50/50 tackle in which one player (hopefully theirs), is left writhing on the ground with one of his lower leg parts just being prevented from coming completely detached from his knee courtesy of a few sinews.
You run to your toilet faster than Usain Bolt on speed running down hill with the wind behind him.
You try and get your penis out as quick as possible minding you don't become a victim of a zip / penis interface situation. The seepage increases but now it's dripping in to your toilet pan.
You rev up and now your penis is expelling the contents of your bladder at a pressure greater than that of a fireman's hose.
This goes on for quite a time and in your mind you're thinking, I hope the injury was nothing trivial and when I get back, the game hasn't restarted.
After five minutes of putting out a fire, you put the mouse back in the house and run back to your seat at a slightly slower speed than on your way to the toilet, still trying to pull up your zip correctly, leaving behind a complete piss-fest all over the bathroom and your trousers.
You get back to your seat, and the game has already restarted.

This.
Magnificent....

 

[Hamilton]

I've constructed a small wooden crate which I carry through the streets half an hour before the game. I then stand on it for the duration of the game and place a large wardrobe between myself and the TV and watch the game by peeking around each side.