[Humour] Recreate the Match-day Experience Whilst Watching the Game on Telly!

[Jack Straw]

On exactly 40 minutes, run to your fridge.
Stand by the fridge for 10 minutes before opening it and taking out two cans of lager.
Decant the lagers in to squashy plastic glasses and walk incredibly slowly to a shelf elsewhere in your kitchen where you can't see the telly.
Stand by the shelf and squeeze both glasses slightly causing a slight spillage on to the floor.
Shout "f****** stupid poxy glasses!"
Drink the lager as quick as possible, one after the other, whilst simultaneously apologising to imaginary people who have bumped in to you. Jolt forwards as you put you lips to the glass to enhance this part of the experience.
When you have drunk both glasses, throw them on the floor, belch loudly and run back to your seat in front of the telly saying "'scues me, 'scues me." as you squeeze past the other two people on your settee before you sit down.
The match should now be in the 47th minute.

Any others?!

 

[AmexRuislip]

On exactly 40 minutes, run to your fridge.
Stand by the fridge for 10 minutes before opening it and taking out two cans of lager.
Decant the lagers in to squashy plastic glasses and walk incredibly slowly to a shelf elsewhere in your kitchen where you can't see the telly.
Stand by the shelf and squeeze both glasses slightly causing a slight spillage on to the floor.
Shout "f****** stupid poxy glasses!"
Drink the lager as quick as possible, one after the other, whilst simultaneously apologising to imaginary people who have bumped in to you. Jolt forwards as you put you lips to the glass to enhance this part of the experience.
When you have drunk both glasses, throw them on the floor, belch loudly and run back to your seat in front of the telly saying "'scues me, 'scues me." as you squeeze past the other two people on your settee before you sit down.
The match should now be in the 47th minute.

Any others?!

 

[Chucky_78]

Turn off the tv in the 80th minute to make it just like being at a game.

 

[Washie]

Turn up 5 mins before, take my seat, watch the game effing and blinding. Half time, sit there reading stuff on my phone. Watch second half, leave at full time. I maybe have a bottle of coke with me. Nothing has changed with the match day experience, except it's louder at home.

 

[Guinness Boy]

On exactly 40 minutes, run to your fridge.
Stand by the fridge for 10 minutes before opening it and taking out two cans of lager.
Decant the lagers in to squashy plastic glasses and walk incredibly slowly to a shelf elsewhere in your kitchen where you can't see the telly.
Stand by the shelf and squeeze both glasses slightly causing a slight spillage on to the floor.
Shout "f****** stupid poxy glasses!"
Drink the lager as quick as possible, one after the other, whilst simultaneously apologising to imaginary people who have bumped in to you. Jolt forwards as you put you lips to the glass to enhance this part of the experience.
When you have drunk both glasses, throw them on the floor, belch loudly and run back to your seat in front of the telly saying "'scues me, 'scues me." as you squeeze past the other two people on your settee before you sit down.
The match should now be in the 47th minute.

Any others?!

Make a tasty vegetable pie in your oven, let it cool and then put it in a paper bag labelled "Steak and Ale Pie". An hour before the game take it out and reheat it in one of two ways - either using the heat of a candle or by putting it in a microwave on "full nuclear war" setting for four minutes. Consume this with one hand whilst drinking beer in a very similar way to that described above with the other.

Then give an actual steak and ale pie to a local vegan.

 

[zefarelly]

Turn off the tv in the 80th minute to make it just like being at a game.

And run round the block, in time to get back for the final score on ceefax?

 

[Sirnormangall]

Am I allowed to have a pee?

 

[PTC Gull]

Turn up 5 mins before, take my seat, watch the game effing and blinding. Half time, sit there reading stuff on my phone. Watch second half, leave at full time. I maybe have a bottle of coke with me. Nothing has changed with the match day experience, except it's louder at home.

Dont forget to give up the bottle cap !

 

[*Gullsworth*]

Half time follow the wall to the gents. Shuffle for ten minutes.....then (men only) unbutton or unzip your files two minutes before you get to the toilet. Use the loo while gazing at the imaginary posters on the wall. Quick shake shuffle around....wash hands quickly and dry on your jumper or t shirt. Shuffle along wall to your seat (sofa) moan to the other people present that your shoes now smell of urine and you have wet hands.

 

[Is it PotG?]

Deny yourself a tea or coffee, and look around worriedly where to hang your umbrella and manbag.

 

[Nitram]

65th minute, reverse apologies as you run to toilet, panicking you are going to miss a goal, then more apologies as you retake your seat, and are told Maupay missed a sitter.

 

[Guinness Boy]

After a heavy defeat in shit weather go out and stand 200 yards away from your local railway station. Preferably with a small child that is moaning. Spend the next 20 minutes not moving and yelling "I think it's been cancelled Steve" while listening to piped Man United football songs.

 

[Questions]

Am I allowed to have a pee?

As long as you soak the toilet floor

 

[dejavuatbtn]

Am I allowed to have a pee?

Ah, sitting there suffering with legs crossed, holding on for half time. Hmmm, have been giving that experience a miss!

 

[Hazwaz]

Wait until the first half whistle,slowly walk to your fridge expecting to see your mate who left 10 minutes ago only to realise he is in the slowest queue known to mankind and he’s at he’s own house.You decide to join the queue but your son and daughter are already in front of the fridge deciding what to have.You contemplate staying in the queue but know the game will restart before you achieve your objective of just getting a pint with more froth than beer.As you take your seat you see another glaring miss by the super seagulls

 

[dazzer6666]

Just before kick off, play GOSBTS whilst clapping along at 125% of the speed of the playback, mumbling the wrong words.

Get someone to stand behind the sofa and shout ‘FFS put it in the mixer’ every time the ball gets to a winger, and ‘stop fannying about at the back and get rid’ every time it’s passed to a centre back by the keeper. For added realism, ‘********* (insert player name of choice here) you’re ****ing useless’ can be shouted whenever said player gets a touch

Put an open (capless, obviously) bottle of coke by your feet when the game starts. Kick it over immediately, but don’t look down for 15 minutes until you want a sip.

Go for a piss at half time. Stand outside the bathroom door for ten minutes whilst a family member walks backwards and forwards in front of you. After said piss, wash your hands, then blow on them gently for a 30 seconds before wiping them dry on your trousers.

 

[Stato]

Make a nice thermos of tea and then lock it in the other room. Dip a used teabag in a cup of warm water whilst throwing some cash in your bin and drink that instead. Before a big game, play an opera CD loudly. Then ignore it and look at the internet on your phone. Fold up a newspaper to make a flag or clacky fan, tuck it into the back of your seat, then, when you take your seat, complain loudly that those things are cursed and leave it where it is. Play a couple of bars of a Johnny Cash single before whipping it off and replacing it with some awful techno sacrilege. Take the top off a bottle of pop and get one your kids to kick it down the stairs. At half time make the kids, dog or budgie interview each other while you ignore them, go to the loo, get a beer or look at the internet on your phone. At the end of the game, race out of the room as quickly as possible, then shiver in the garden while your kid decides that now is the time to go to the toilet. If we've won (it'll happen one day), go to the chip shop or curry house.

 

[Me and my Monkey]

During those quieter moments try to create your own entertainment by singing "I'm the armchair, I'm the armchair, I'm the armchair Brighton Boy/Girl!", to which your viewing mate or mates will reply "I'm/we're the sofa, I'm/we're the sofa, I'm/we're the sofa Brighton Boy(s)/Girl(s)!"

 

[The Andy Naylor Fan Club]

On 80 minutes leave via the back door cursing your luck at again not seeing a home win again. As you're pacing the back garden you hear a massive roar from fellow fans in their surrounding homes, rushing back you find that you've locked yourself out and realise that it may be some time before you see that home win.

 

[timbha]

Run excitedly into the lounge whilst staring totally bewildered at your paper ticket. Carefully count the rows of seats then shuffle along to stand directly in front of a person already sitting there. Have a heated exchange with said occupant and then climb over the seat in front of you to the correct seat (sofa) mumbling “tosser”under your breath. Frantically wave to your neighbours 200 yards away and take a selfie.