[Humour] Live Action Dad Jokes.

[BadFish]

Sometimes an opportunity is just too good to let pass.

A colleague at the school work was enticing a child off the bus with a cuddly horse

Anyway she was standing talking to another colleague and I wondered over and asked if she had a sore throat.

After she looked at me quizzically I said 'it's just you like you're feeling a little horse'.

This has amused me way more than it should today.

Anyone else got any top live action jokes?

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Two come to mind but these were a very long time ago.

1) I have done the “Can I have a return ticket please”, “where to?” “back here” gag on a bus.

2) In a chip shop after an Albion game in Oxford I asked two police officers behind me in the queue “Have you come about the fight in here?”, “No, why? “Two fish got battered”. One copper was amused, the other wasn’t.

 

[Chicken Run]

At the school pick up the other day one of the mums asked me what year my son was in….

2024 i replied

 

[Chicken Run]

Swedish warships now have barcodes instead of pennant numbers on the sides….

Now when they return to home port they can scandenavyin

 

[Guinness Boy]

Not mine but a mate I used to work with. He got a new dog, a greyhound.

"Do you race it?" our boss asked.

"I used to but it kept beating me" he replied.

Still cracks me up now thinking about it.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

At the school pick up the other day one of the mums asked me what year my son was in….

2024 i replied

Imagine asking Jakob Rees-Mogg this question.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

At the bus stop in London Road last week, a grey haired old man asked me in a frail voice: 'Excuse me sir, is it Summer yet?'. Poor old man I thought. 'Sorry mate, you've missed it, it's November' says I. He looked crestfallen. 'Oh I'll just have to wait til next Summer then' he said sadly. 'Why? What for?' I asked. 'A bleedin bus' he said. The whole queue, who had been listening in, fell about laughing

 

[MattBackHome]

MBH Jr off to Fishbourne Palace today with school. I've spent literally the last two hours doing variations of "I wonder how many fish you'll see born?" jokes and it's been the undoubted highlight of my morning so far.

 

[Gazwag]

I have been known, at the right time, to come out with

"Have you seen in the news about that actress who was stabbed"

"Reece, erm, Reece somebody, can't think what her surname is, anybody?"...............

 

[SeagullinExile]

Q) What’s red, pink, hairy, and sits on a wall?

A) Humpty C**t

 

[Chicken Run]

I remember one class at school where the letter of the day was the letter ‘N’, the teacher said Chicken Run, why don’t you tell the class something you’re not very good at beginning with the letter N…..

I replied Spelling

 

[Chicken Run]

I have been known, at the right time, to come out with

"Have you seen in the news about that actress who was stabbed"

"Reece, erm, Reece somebody, can't think what her surname is, anybody?"...............

Go on then i’ll give you the glory, Witherspoon……

 

[WATFORD zero]

Someone at work bought a new flash sports car into the car park and I asked one of the young lads who was into cars 'what's the engine in that ?'

He replied completely straight faced 'It's the thing that makes the wheels go round'

 

[nevergoagain]

Imagine asking Jakob Rees-Mogg this question.

Who ? why bring politics into a joke thread ?.

Anyway my current fave is "What has 5 toes and isn't your foot?"

- My foot

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

A friend of mine (sadly no longer with us) was in a job interview and had come to the conclusion he didn't want to work for that company.

The interviewer asked him "what are your impressions of the company" to which my mate replied "I'm sorry, I don't do impressions".

The interview terminated fairly quickly after that!

 

[Gazwag]

Go on then i’ll give you the glory, Witherspoon……

Many thanks

No with a knife

 

[Dick Swiveller]

I have been known, at the right time, to come out with

"Have you seen in the news about that actress who was stabbed"

"Reece, erm, Reece somebody, can't think what her surname is, anybody?"...............

Shearsmith? Nah - he wouldn't let me.

 

[Jack Straw]

I was pleased with this;
A mate of mine was explaining to me and a small group of friends that he named his dog Polly, as it was a cross between a Poodle and a Collie.
I replied, "Good job it isn't a cross between a Shih Tzu and a Corgi!"

 

[5Ways Gull]

Who ? why bring politics into a joke thread ?.


- My foot

To be fair Rees-Mogg does sit across both topics.

 

[el punal]

Q. Why did Humpty Dumpty push his wife off the wall?

A. To see her crack.