[Humour] Live Action Dad Jokes.

[Bry Nylon]

Arrived at work this morning only to discover someone had written my name and number on a cubicle wall in the gents. Again.

Really, really pissed off. My number ends in a 7 not a 1, ffs.

 

[Bry Nylon]

Arrived at work this morning to be confronted by a woman from Occupational Health who said she was there to do some random drug testing.

“No problem, I replied. “But I’m not trying crack.”

 

[jcdenton08]

Arrived at work this morning to be confronted by a woman from Occupational Health who said she was there to conduct random drug testing.

“No problem, I replied. “But I’m not trying crack.”

I think you may have misunderstood mate. You see, the woman from OH was blood testing people for drugs, not offering them to you to try.

 

[Bry Nylon]

I think you may have misunderstood mate. You see, the woman from OH was blood testing people for drugs, not offering them to you to try.

Well that makes everything a lot clearer!

Why didn’t she just say that in the first place, then these hilarious work-place misunderstandings that seem to keep befalling me wouldn’t occur.

 

[Chicken Run]

I’ve recently started getting into fisting….!

I wanted to widen the circle of my friends

 

[The Wookiee]

I was having a beer down the local last night when this charming young lady rolled her eyes at me. I just picked them up and rolled them back !

 

[GT49er]

It's really bugging me, what was the name of that Austrian F1 driver who won loads of grand prix in the seventies.... Niki something?

 

[Stato]

A mate of mine once went into a petrol station and found someone arguing with the bloke behind the till. His complaint was that it cost 20p to fill up your tyres, but it used to be free. 'That's inflation!' offered my friend. Not a glimmer of a smile from either of them.

 

[Chicken Run]

A woman in Perth WA was being helped by Police after complaining she’d be raped, describing the attacker as wearing white trousers and a white shirt with a green hat, the Police officer suggested “could it have been an Australian Cricketer?”

She said “It could have been he wasn’t in that long”

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Tzugi?

Corzu?

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Car theft in multi-story car parks.

Wrong. On so many different levels.

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

The other day I was in a short queue to get some cash out of the ATM. The elderly lady in front of me turned round and asked me if I could help her check her balance .....



So I pushed her over ......

 

[Chicken Run]

Arrived at work this morning to be confronted by a woman from Occupational Health who said she was there to do some random drug testing.

“No problem, I replied. “But I’m not trying crack.”

I hate people that take drugs….


Police, Customs Officers etc

 

[Chicken Run]

It’s strange but many girls scream when they see my penis….

Then they run out of the park

 

[Lord Charles]

A Glasgow dad joke. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings but Walt Disney.

 

[Rambo]

Was explaining to a friend how Mat O’Riley came on and scored the winner against Man City the other week. ‘Oh really?’ he said, no, I said, O’ Riley.

I am here all week.

 

[Coldeanseagull]

My dad used to spin around on the light fitting and asked me to try it....I did, but I'm not a fan

 

[BadFish]

Accidental dad joke today.

My daughter has a white rabbit who has just lost his sight in one eye.

She asked me what I would call him if his name wasn't raspberry, with the instruction not to make any seeing, blind or eye jokes.

'Snowy' I replied.

'Our cousins have a can called snowy, what else?' she said.

'icy'