Having a poo at work ...

[pasty]

When I worked for HSBC I worked in a Head Office building that was 15 floors high.

If I'd had a heavy night and was feeling a little 'loose' in the morning, I used to go to a different floor to deposit my slurry. Always good when people came in and started muttering about the smelly bastard in trap 1.

I always used to employ that tactic when I worked at Amex. In my current office I have a quick double check that no clients are in any of our conference rooms and use the "posh toliet" upstairs.

 

[Titanic]

While we are on this subject... how many times have you had to flush on one visit??

When faced with a particularly unyielding iceberg...

1. The original and futile attempt to flush it away

2. A second attempt, with additional paper on top to create a wad, and pressing both of the flush buttons

3. A third attempt after breaking it's back with the loo brush

4. a desperate 4th attempt to purge the remaining slurry

5 and a final fifth to clean up the horrific skid marks and the mess of shite and paper attached to the brush

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

2nd week at new job, the cleaner had seen me go in to the dunny just after 5:30 and gave it the old.. "oh i'll wait a minute".. which was embarrassing enough

I did my business, then flushed.. to my sheer horror the water started filling up the bowl! Nooo! Every fibre of my being was praying the for the water to stop rising... Mercifully it stopped approximately 2cm (seriously) from the top.

Thank the good lord himself that there was not only a bog brush in there, but that it was EXACTLY long enough for me to clear the blockage without getting my hands covered in piss and shit.

That day, someone was looking over me..

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Gentlemen: this is officially one of my favourite threads on NSC ever

 

[Northstander]

If you want a laugh try this....my office provides free fruit (usually half gone off).

Get an orange and go into a trap and await an unsuspecting user.

Start to make grunting noise (approx 20 seconds) whilst arm outstretched, drop the said orange from a reasonable height into the big white telephone and await the response to the large and at the same time atomic sounding splash.

Hours of fun to be had!!

 

[csider]

toilet humour is the funniest type of humour ever, even well into my 30's.....FACT!!!!

 

[Basil Fawlty]

I don't normally need the Bog before work, but if I have a huge lunch on my break then my bowels need to be cleaned out I normally use Trap 8. It is the furthest away from the door and nobody knows you're in there untill you come out obviously. And the best grafitti is definitely in Trap 8, sentences like I'm a Sex God and I would f*** ****** right now makes pleasant reading, aswell as before I started working there a glorified Nazi used to draw Nazi Symbols on the walls makes it even more perculiar (spl?).

 

[NF9]

http://www.porcelainpoetry.faketrix.com/funny-toilet-jokes-bathroom-humor-poop-at-work.htm
LOL
Read this for advice!

 

[pasty]

toilet humour is the funniest type of humour ever, even well into my 30's.....FACT!!!!

Mid 40's and still a FACT!!!!

 

[NF9]

People who cannot be bothered to click the link heres the article..

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

[Insel affe]

when i was 8 we moved to datchet,and i started a new school St marys primary school and on my third day i was struck down with a sudden attack of diarrhea. I managed to rush straight out of the class room (without permission) finding the toilets i let loose.The teacher followed me into the toilet and was very sympathetic,and took me to the headmasters office who after phoning my mother agreed to give me a lift home.Now about half an hour had passed since my first release and being new and scared i tried my damndest to hold on during the car journey home.However needless to say as we turned into our close with my mum in view standing on the drive waving with the next door neighbour,My exciment got the better of me,and i released all over the headmaster princess`s leather seat.To make matters worse i was sat in the front....!

 

[csider]

when i was 8 we moved to datchet,and i started a new school St marys primary school and on my third day i was struck down with a sudden attack of diarrhea. I managed to rush straight out of the class room (without permission) finding the toilets i let loose.The teacher followed me into the toilet and was very sympathetic,and took me to the headmasters office who after phoning my mother agreed to give me a lift home.Now about half an hour had passed since my first release and being new and scared i tried my damndest to hold on during the car journey home.However needless to say as we turned into our close with my mum in view standing on the drive waving with the next door neighbour,My exciment got the better of me,and i released all over the headmaster princess`s leather seat.To make matters worse i was sat in the front....!

would have been much easier to deal with if you were in the beck

 

[Northstander]

I hate pooing at work, but I'm not about to deny my body its basic need to relieve itself of bodily solid waste and I won't dump when someone's already unloading unless it's an absolute emergency.

I work on the top floor of an 8 floor site and if someone is taking a crap in the Kazi on my floor, I will quite happily prefer to go down to floor 7 and on occassions floor 1 if neccessary and check that one as long its unoccupied, but never used the reception or visitors Trap which I have to say is quite luxurious compared to the staff's.

I see myself as the clark kent of crapping at work, If I'm taking a dump and someone who obviously doesn't follow my individual rules above comes in and starts crapping, I'll try and delay my exit and prefer to follow him out. I may learn his identity when he leaves but he'll never learn mine unless he remembers my shoes form the gap on the door at the bottom (always a good idea for the reason to take in a spare pair of shoes as a disguise to leave the trap with). I've also had blokes try to wait me out, but they didn't know who they were dealing with. They are clearly outmatched as I know I will die on the crapper if necessary.

The longest I've ever had to wait is 37.5 minutes and I got to level 12 on my mobile phone tetris game (of which I switched to silent) to pass the time.

In my experience I have learned you must find a happy place. When my routine is interrupted by someone who wants to shit with me, Always cover your ears when an occupied trap is dropping their load and grunting. You really don't want to hear that!

There's this bloke I work with who I swear must release a gallon a day, if you're reading this, please eat more fiber and email me your dumping patterns so I can adjust mine accordingly. I don't ask for much.

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Toilets at work are a funny old place, I think people really show their true colours in these places. I once worked at the Natwest Customer Lending Centre opposite Preston Park. A very professional, well-run corporate place, everyone there seemingly mature and hardworking and dressed smartly in business attire, you know the sort. Imagine my surprise one day when an internal e-mail went round complaining about the "mess" in the ladies toilets.

Yes, it transpired some WOMAN had gone to the khazi, shat ALL over the floor in the cublicle and left it there but more disturbing still, there was shitty handprints up the walls. So yes, said perpertrator had also gone on to rub shit up the cubicle walls. Then calmly gone back to her desk and continued processing loans and answering customer calls. No likely suspects either, it was all very well to do in there.

Very bizarre.

 

[fire&skill]

Has anybody confronted the ultimate dilemma:

Should I wipe again?

Honestly - I sometimes think my arse has been replaced by a 'Pop-a-Point' Pencil

 

[Muzzman]

Toilets at work are a funny old place, I think people really show their true colours in these places. I once worked at the Natwest Customer Lending Centre opposite Preston Park. A very professional, well-run corporate place, everyone there seemingly mature and hardworking and dressed smartly in business attire, you know the sort. Imagine my surprise one day when an internal e-mail went round complaining about the "mess" in the ladies toilets.

Yes, it transpired some WOMAN had gone to the khazi, shat ALL over the floor in the cublicle and left it there but more disturbing still, there was shitty handprints up the walls. So yes, said perpertrator had also gone on to rub shit up the cubicle walls. Then calmly gone back to her desk and continued processing loans and answering customer calls. No likely suspects either, it was all very well to do in there.

Very bizarre.

WOW!

I used to work at NatWest CLC too and remember that email. Hmmm.. think the culprit was this fat old woman who kept getting migraines and having days off.

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

A bit of advice from a friend of mine who is an ex air stewardess. She never has ice in her drinks on a plane having had to use her pair of ice tongs to break up a superturd that was fighting back and wouldn't flush down the loo on a plane.

 

[seagullsovergrimsby]

When I need the shitter at work I dont care about the audio display and just go for it. With a smelly poo , its funny when other people enter the facilities to have a jimmy and you hear them clearing their throat , coughing or announcing "fuckin ell" .

 

[NF9]

This is truly the most bizzare article i have ever seen!

 

[csider]

A bit of advice from a friend of mine who is an ex air stewardess. She never has ice in her drinks on a plane having had to use her pair of ice tongs to break up a superturd that was fighting back and wouldn't flush down the loo on a plane.

friend of mine works for virgin and she recently went to the toilet to do s safwety check or similar and there was a large growler...........not IN the pan but on the floor!!