Having a poo at work ...

[fire&skill]

This is perhaps the most inspired thread I've seen here in my short time visiting.

Totally agree with the single, solid log vs the 'bats leaving a cave' dilemma. Part of the solution for me is to time the flush in conjunction with the delivery of the stool/chocolate mousse. This, of course, can be a tricky operation as a mis-timed button push can just draw attention to what you're doing and will enhance the noise of the subsequent 'plop'/'splatter'/[dread of dreads]flatulent follow through.

Check this out for further info and healthcare status check:

 

[Pretty pink fairy]

what about using a bed pan in hospital

 

[Jimbo26]

I remember sitting on a trap waiting to go when two people/voices I knew walked in to use the urinals. Placing both hands over my face I let out 4 meaty mouth farts. One of them I could tell was wetting himself with a strange wheezy laugh. When I walked back in the office he had tears running down his face. I call that a good day at the office !!

 

[Horney]

I always wait for the next cubicle to flush before I push hard. Sometimes, though, it becomes a waiting game and if there is no sound of action ' next door ', I try and eke it out gently. The trouble with this, though, is that if you have a build up of gas, it makes it worse. Instead of one massive explosion, it ends up like a Gatling gun and you're left cringing in embarrassment, unable to stop the noise.
I always think afterwards.." why the hell didn't I just go for it, rather than try to soften it "

 

[Jimbo26]

Wait for the hand dryer to kick in.....then let rip quickly..........full clearage in under 10 seconds is a must !!!

 

[Insel affe]

I had a difficult experiernce of the office toilet nature once.

Dashed into my usual trap 2 and made the obligartory deposit. Then horror, of horrors, no bum-paper!! What to do? [my poo is of a consistency where not wiping will likely result in soiled underwear and my co-workers calling maintenance to have the sewer unblocked]

So I sat and waited until the all-clear so I could make a trousers-round-the-ankles dash into trap 1 next door.

I waited, and waited - its suprising how busy the office bog gets - then just as the last person had cleared the outer door, I slid my engaged sign/lock open and prepared for my dash.

Damn and blast! Another visitor!! Quick, retreat, to the seat and re-lock the door - a trap 1 vistor - god I hope he's not one of those that won't "deliver" until the nextdoor trap is vacated, could be in here for ever.

Anyway, after probably about an hour, the bog was completely quiet and empty and I made my dash - settled into trap 1 and wiped - bliss - but without a doubt, the longest bog visit I've ever made.

Moral of story - always check for paper before even undoing your trousers!

Next time............i had a similar problem,on my first day at a new shop i was contracted to in tottenham that had only one toilet........i had no where to go.................SOCKS

 

[fire&skill]

Further advice. Don't eat three warm scotch eggs on dec 23rd, miss a dump on christmas eve and then attempt one christmas morning. Just don't. The teeth marks are still on the toilet door frame.

 

[cheshunt seagull]

I find it's always worth hunting out where the disabled toilet is located, a whole large room to yourself and a bar to hold on to for those times where you have to force the issue.

Is the right answer.
We have a spacious and well-appointed disabled toilet on every floor but haven't employed any people with the disabilities that would require them to need one. So you can stretch out and enjoy the facilities without any guilt.

 

[Marlton & Hove Albion]

A civilized way to solve all lavatory related issues.......

Ever been into a luxury hotel khazi? In the US they build the partitions from floor to ceiling in brick covered in ceramic. You are in a blissful state of isolation. A nice solid door with a good solid lock, plenty of soft 2 ply and nice piped in music.........

 

[Gilliver's Travels]

A civilized way to solve all lavatory related issues.......

Ever been into a luxury hotel khazi? In the US they build the partitions from floor to ceiling in brick covered in ceramic. You are in a blissful state of isolation. A nice solid door with a good solid lock, plenty of soft 2 ply and nice piped in music.........

Except that throughout North America, all public toilet doors are made so as to create a half-inch gap all the way round between door and frame. meaning that someone on the outside would be able to squint in, were they so inclined.

What's that all about?

 

[defrocked priest]

Me and two others help a friend of mine remove his toilet sos to get his daughters doll head back which had clogged the bog in the first place.Once we removed the doll head from the floor drain the back suction gave way and out gushed alot of peoples office poo. We all vomited in unison, because the stench was so overpowering. We still laugh about it to this day.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

Living out here in the countryside, with no mains drainage, I find myself the proud custodian of a rather sophisticated piece of sewage treatment equipment that deals with the output of four houses. Everything drains through a series of tanks, which separate the solids from the liquid, leaving the liquid to be filtered and then pumped out into a ditch that runs past the back of the houses.

From time to time, it is necessary to inspect the tank that holds the solids. Over the years there has been a huge collection of children's toys that have found their way into that tank. What is it about kids that makes them want to flush their prize possessions down the lavvy?

 

[Titanic]

It is a pretty sad day when a thread entitled 'Having a poo at work...' is the best thing on NSC.

I'm in the 'make as much noise as possible' camp... and laugh out loud at the noises from next door... but preferably don't make eye contact with anyone while washing hands afterwards.

 

[Bry Nylon]

It is a pretty sad day when a thread entitled 'Having a poo at work...' is the best thing on NSC.

We're increasingly getting called to hospitals / nursing homes to lift obese fat-fuckers off the toilet. Its a sad state of affairs when you need 6 firefighters to get you off the bog...

 

[Lord Bracknell]

We're increasingly getting called to hospitals / nursing homes to lift obese fat-fuckers off the toilet. Its a sad state of affairs when you need 6 firefighters to get you off the bog...

You LIFT them off the bog?

Surely a blast with a high-pressure water jet would do the job quicker?

 

[house your seagull]

ignored this thread first time but now actually CRYING with laughter. amazing

anyway - here's the RULES that someone just sent me.

anyone else done the astaire?

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work:

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

 

[csider]

i cleared half a floor at amex once when done a rancid shit in the spastic toilet, then blamed a fat bird who was next through the door into our department......someone actually retched (sic)

 

[captainmorganrum]

If you are working in London, you might have trouble finding a nice quiet bog if Boris gets his way...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/mar/18/boris-johnson-public-toilet-scheme

 

[csider]

Me and two others help a friend of mine remove his toilet sos to get his daughters doll head back which had clogged the bog in the first place.Once we removed the doll head from the floor drain the back suction gave way and out gushed alot of peoples office poo. We all vomited in unison, because the stench was so overpowering. We still laugh about it to this day.

made me laugh now!!!

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

When I was a medical rep I had to do my business in Hospitals all over the south east. Whilst calling on a private hospital in London I realised, as I swung the old Laguna into the car park, that there was trouble brewing in the pantalons, by the time I had done the penguin run around the back of the place and got to reception I was touching cloth so asked the receptionist where the nearest dunny was, which she indicated was a disabled one in a corridor where all the posh patients were sitting waiting for their botox or whatever. Anyroad managed to make it into the lav, get the kecks down and start my business loudly and with accompanying curses and grunts.

In my haste to get in there I had forgotten to turn the light on and it was a tad dark with only light from a small window but the light cord was hanging next to the loo so gave it a pull, no light.. must be the bulb I think...until ,30 seconds later, the door next to me, that I thought must be a cupboard, flies open and there is the Sister I was booked to see with another Nurse standing there gawping asking if I am OK,with me so shocked I practically fall off the loo, bum, cock and everything on display as I try to right myself righted.. & behind them is a whole ward full of curious well to do people craning their necks to have a gawp! I could see their faces crinkle as my dung smell hit them...Yes I'd pulled the emergency Nurse assist cord!

needless to say I never sold them anything after that.

that just made me cry