Has any one got any good/bad jokes?

[OzMike]

Why do elephants have big ears.....................................noddy won't pay the ransom.

 

[Bolton va va]

I visited a zoo that only had one animal.....a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

 

[Albion my Albion]

What's the difference between light and hard?
:
:
You can sleep with a light on.

My wife has always said I sleep with a smile on my face and a hard on. She wonders what exactly I'm dreaming about.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

Wife came in and asked why the laptop was sticky.

It's not what you think, It's ice cream.

How did you get ice cream on it?

Ever tried eating a cornet whilst masturbating?

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

 

[LANGDON SEAGULL]

I've got a stepladder at home. My real ladder left when I was 5


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[Is it PotG?]

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

I was in a local restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver

 

[Frankie]

BMW problems

[yt]nYsTw3PQKYA[/yt]

 

[Mo Gosfield]

A man goes to the doctor and says...." I've got a rather strange affliction "....When I wake up in the morning I can't stop singing ' Delilah ' and when I go to bed at night I just keep singing ' the Green Green Grass of Home '
" Thats simple " said the doctor...." You've got Tom Jones Syndrome "
The man asked...." Is it rare ? "
The doctor replied..." Its not Unusual "

 

[Biscuit Barrel]

This is my sort of joke. Really made me chuckle. Ta.

What does DNA stand for? National Association of Dyslexics.

 

[Biscuit Barrel]

Q: Why was the teacher boss eyed?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils.

 

[The Large One]

A Roman centurion goes into a bar and sticks two fingers up at the barman, and says 'five pints, please...'

 

[Brownstuff]

Two condoms walking down the road pass a gay bar
One says to the other 'Do you fancy going in there to get shit-faced'

 

[Weststander]

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

 

[Baker lite]

What's this?






















A Palestinian at a bus stop...


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[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.

 

[whitelion]

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.

Have you been watching Sky Sports News?

 

[Knocky's Nose]

Elderly couple in Church...

Husband chuckles and whispers to wife "I've just done quite a long silent fart.. what should I do?"

Wife replies : "put some new batteries in your hearing aid.."

 

[AlastairWatts]

Jurgen Klinsmann goes back to Tottenham to see everyone before they pull the old ground down. Spurs are playing Arsenal. As he’s in the dressing room he says to the team ‘Look guys, I fancy a run out so you go off to the pub and I’ll take care of the game’. After a discussion, they agree. After ten minutes or so, they check their ‘phones - Tottenham 1 (Klinsmann, 10 mins) Arsenal 0. ‘Oh, he’s OK they say’, so have a few more beers and wander back to the ground. When they get there, they find Klinsmann sitting in the dressing room, head in hands. ‘I’ve let you down boys' he says so they check their phones again - Tottenham 1 (Klinsmann, 10 mins) Arsenal 1 (Ozil, 89 mins). ‘But Jurgen, you got a draw’. ‘Yes’, he says,’ but I got sent off in the twelfth minute….

 

[AmexRuislip]