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Has any one got any good/bad jokes?
- Thread starter BhaRebel
- Start date
Buzzer
Languidly Clinical
- Oct 1, 2006
- 26,121
I've just made a ventriloquist's dummy out of some old carpet. It's ruggish.
I hate it when my fingers go through the loo paper. Apart from that I quite like my new job at the nursing home.
Rick Astley just grassed me up to the police. Yet another broken promise.
Teacher : What’s your favourite letter ?
Schoolboy: The letter 'G'
Teacher : Why is that Angus ?
FACT: Singer Afrika Bambaataa has a twin brother called India, whose ears are slightly smaller.
I pulled one of the Cheeky Girls the other day but I didn't enjoy it. I know what you're thinking - pull the other one.
Jesus loves me but I worry about the age gap.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened his presents yet.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk. Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I refuse to let the fact that I wear a colostomy bag stop me from doing Taekwondo and now I have a brown belt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSGrH1tU3gg
I hate it when my fingers go through the loo paper. Apart from that I quite like my new job at the nursing home.
Rick Astley just grassed me up to the police. Yet another broken promise.
Teacher : What’s your favourite letter ?
Schoolboy: The letter 'G'
Teacher : Why is that Angus ?
FACT: Singer Afrika Bambaataa has a twin brother called India, whose ears are slightly smaller.
I pulled one of the Cheeky Girls the other day but I didn't enjoy it. I know what you're thinking - pull the other one.
Jesus loves me but I worry about the age gap.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened his presents yet.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk. Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I refuse to let the fact that I wear a colostomy bag stop me from doing Taekwondo and now I have a brown belt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSGrH1tU3gg
Buzzer
Languidly Clinical
- Oct 1, 2006
- 26,121
[job interview with NASA]
"On paper you're well qualified for our astronaut program. Would you say you have any weaknesses?"
"Well, yes. I can only shit at home"
Me, speaking to a Jamaican tourist
"Have you bought any souvenirs of your visit? "
"A memento?"
"Don't worry, there's still time."
Our local cinema is showing a special version of the latest James Bond film, just for dyslexics. Respect.
Just watching the tennis. I'm hearing Venus Williams is unseeded for a second year. I can't help thinking that with a bit of lippy and a push up bra she might improve her chances.
What d'ya call a girl that can't draw? Trace
If you want to make your avenue electric then you have to apply for an Eddy Grant.
My camel looks the same going backwards or forwards. It must be a palindromedary
Does Sean Connery like herbs?
Yes, but only partially.
"On paper you're well qualified for our astronaut program. Would you say you have any weaknesses?"
"Well, yes. I can only shit at home"
Me, speaking to a Jamaican tourist
"Have you bought any souvenirs of your visit? "
"A memento?"
"Don't worry, there's still time."
Our local cinema is showing a special version of the latest James Bond film, just for dyslexics. Respect.
Just watching the tennis. I'm hearing Venus Williams is unseeded for a second year. I can't help thinking that with a bit of lippy and a push up bra she might improve her chances.
What d'ya call a girl that can't draw? Trace
If you want to make your avenue electric then you have to apply for an Eddy Grant.
My camel looks the same going backwards or forwards. It must be a palindromedary
Does Sean Connery like herbs?
Yes, but only partially.
Buzzer
Languidly Clinical
- Oct 1, 2006
- 26,121
My grandparents' names were Pearl and Dean but we called them Grandma and Grandpa-pa-pa-pa-papapapa-papapa-pa
I asked my mate the other day why he looked so glum. He said he had the Big C. I said "what...cancer?" He said "No, dyslexia"
I used to go out with an English teacher but she didn't like my constant misuse of the colon.
I asked my mate the other day why he looked so glum. He said he had the Big C. I said "what...cancer?" He said "No, dyslexia"
I used to go out with an English teacher but she didn't like my constant misuse of the colon.
rocker959
Well-known member
What do you call a dear with no eyes, legs, or dick, living on a coral island?
Still no f***ing idea atoll.
GoldWithFalmer
Seaweed! Seaweed!
3 tampons walking down the street,which one of them waves? none-they are all stuck up ............ts.
Drumstick
NORTHSTANDER
Man 1: Just sent the wife on a surprise trip to Illinois.
Man 2: Chicago?
Man 1: No I got her a seat.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Man 2: Chicago?
Man 1: No I got her a seat.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Rhubarb?
What's long and thin
Covered in skin
Red in parts
And shoved in tarts
At least that was the joke when I was 10 years old...
Where would you go if you wanted to weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.....................................
Somewhere over the rainbow.....................................
half time scores
Well-known member
AmexRuislip
Retired Spy 🕵️♂️
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
So Bert goes up to Ernie and says, "want some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sherbert."
What kind of bees make milk?
boobies
What do you call a lesbian hippopotamus?
A lickalotapus.
He was outstanding in his field.
So Bert goes up to Ernie and says, "want some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sherbert."
What kind of bees make milk?
boobies
What do you call a lesbian hippopotamus?
A lickalotapus.
Jack Straw
I look nothing like him!
This is my sort of joke. Really made me chuckle. Ta.
OzMike
Well-known member
What's round white and giggles...............................a tickled onion.