[Humour] Funny or interesting work anecdotes

[Albalbion]

I used to work for a letting agency and any number of stories.

We were called a lot with tenants moaning that things were broken or not working especially after they had just moved in so we knew they were working from the inventory etc. Quite often I would go to the property and flick a switch and it would magically work.
One was a lovely property with a fully integrated kitchen where the dishwasher didn't work - it was due to the tenants resting a chopping board against the switch.
A macerating toilet stopped working as they had turned off the switch in the hallway as they didn't like the red light (clearly marked do not turn off) - toilet waste had backed up into the shower tray.....
A lovely couple had been living in a flat for 3 weeks when they finally admitted they didn't know how to turn the shower on - I went up and pulled a chord right next to the shower and hey presto.

However these are the usual boring stories. I have also walked in on people masturbating, naked, scheduled inspections with lines of coke on mirrors in the living room, sex toys lying about etc.

Quite a few ladies are very proud to be pregnant or mothers and so I have seen naked photos, plaster casts or bellys or full bodies, drawings etc. celebrating motherhood and the female form. All very nice and all that but when I am going round for an inspection and I am then in their bedroom suddenly looking at them and them naked it is a little weird - I never knew what to say when confronted with them in all their glory.

This happens Every. Single. Inspection

 

[el punal]

When I used to work for Royal Mail as a delivery postman some years ago, it was the custom to have a weekly “team talk” to all the staff. This was conducted on the delivery floor and the talk consisted of various updates, advice and any other info. One of the points raised by the manager was the amount of excessive swearing that was taking place in the workplace and that it had to stop.

“About f***ing time too!” some wag shouted out.

 

[marcos3263]

I remember going out to one valuation - pre-booked and arranged with the owner. When I got there he had obviously completely forgotten as he greeted me at the door in his kimono looking a bit hot and bothered. Rather than cancelling the appointment he preceded to let me in and do the valuation. In the bedroom there was a big lump under the duvet where his partner was hidding. I bid a Cheery Hello! and got an embarrassed muffled 'ello back.

Why was the valuation that important that he stopped mid shag to show me round?

 

[pearl]

you have no idea had another one trying to wash his kettle completely submerged in his sink, while it was still plugged in.... kept tripping the fuse and didnt understand why

um .... when I was a student I did manage to iron the flex of my .... iron

 

[Albalbion]

um .... when I was a student I did manage to iron the flex of my .... iron

i heard of another one who tried to iron that final crease out of his shirt.... whilst wearing it hahaha mistake you only make once id imagine haha

 

[Albalbion]

um .... when I was a student I did manage to iron the flex of my .... iron

To be fair, when I was a student I also made the mistake of putting fairy liquid in my dihwasher when id run out of tablets... its for washing dishes right?!?

Made for a very bubbly floor

 

[el punal]

I remember going out to one valuation - pre-booked and arranged with the owner. When I got there he had obviously completely forgotten as he greeted me at the door in his kimono looking a bit hot and bothered. Rather than cancelling the appointment he preceded to let me in and do the valuation. In the bedroom there was a big lump under the duvet where his partner was hidding. I bid a Cheery Hello! and got an embarrassed muffled 'ello back.

Why was the valuation that important that he stopped mid shag to show me round?

Did you include his fixture and fittings in the valuation?

 

[Napier]

When it was my turn to wash the red, white and blue hooped Sussex Uni rugby shirts, I thought doing them on a hot wash would get all the mud out. It did, but for the rest of the season we played in red, pink and blue hoops.

 

[zeemeeuw]

The Champions League trophy was once kept overnight in the stationery cupboard at my workplace.

 

[Wozza]

The Champions League trophy was once kept overnight in the stationery cupboard at my workplace.

One of the copies, you mean?

 

[Blue3]

Don't confuse intelligence with common sense. The ones you have to watch out for are those with neither!

An electrician I was an apprentice to a hundread years ago would often say the thing with common sence is it's not very common

 

[Wrong-Direction]

[emoji38]ol:[emoji38]ol:[emoji38]ol: Howling at this.

Reminds me of the time when I worked for a company that did heating maintenance.
I was told to go to a rental flat that didn't have any heating or hot water, the flat was shared by 4 students.
They had piled up so much rubbish in the kitchen it had reached the electricity supply switch that isolated the boiler, and turned off the switch

Ffs [emoji2357]

Sent from my SM-A600FN using Tapatalk

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Fair dos!

Still think students would make an excellent addition to it as they are definitely often Bell cheeses


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ahem.

I will contribute to this thread at some point but right now I am too stupified by the innumerate, vainglorious and slackadaisical strategy of some of my colleagues over the last few weeks. Too aghast and too punch****sty with them to quell my annoyance sufficiently to engage right now. Laters.

 

[Bry Nylon]

One Sunday evening, many years ago, the Watch I worked with was called to a chimney fire in a barn conversion.

On arrival, the Officer in Charge went inside with a Leading Firefighter to establish what we were dealing with. More often than not, emptying any fuel from the hearth and a quick use of the chimney rods does the job. On this occasion however, the Thermal Image Camera was showing that the whole chimney breast had become super-heated and urgently needed cooling. So whilst the Leading Firefighter got on with removing logs and coal from the hearth, the Officer in Charge sent 2 further crew members up onto the roof with a hose to spray a cooling jet down the chimney. I was positioned on the front lawn. From here, with the front door open, I had direct line of sight with the guy emptying the fireplace, the crew on the roof, the pump operator at the back of the appliance controlling water flow and pressure and the Officer in Charge, monioring the temperature with the Thermal Image Camera. My job was to relay messages between the various crew members and co-ordinate operations.

Once the pair on the roof were positioned by the cluster of chimney pots I informed the O-i-C and he gave the order to start spraying a cooling jet. He monitored the temperature and told me it was having no effect. "Tell them to up pressure," he shouted. I gave the signal and the guys on the roof eeked up the pressure. Still no change. "More!" shouted the O-i-C. Again, I gave the signal. By now they were bollocking water down the chimney.

It was at this point - and I'll carry this image to my dying day - that the front door of the next door semi-detached property suddenly flew open and a middle-aged couple staggered out into their garden, emerging from a beautifully back-lit plume of steam like Stars in Their Eyes contestants.

Whoops.

 

[Biscuit Barrel]

I work for a pest control company. A few years ago I was asked to attend a office due to rat droppings found behind the fridge in the canteen. On inspection the droppings turned out to be coffee beans that had been spilt on the floor.

The worrying thing was that another pest control company had also been to inspect earlier and they confirmed that the coffee beans were rat droppings!!

 

[Petunia]

One Sunday evening, many years ago, the Watch I worked with was called to a chimney fire in a barn conversion.

On arrival, the Officer in Charge went inside with a Leading Firefighter to establish what we were dealing with. More often than not, emptying any fuel from the hearth and a quick use of the chimney rods does the job. On this occasion however, the Thermal Image Camera was showing that the whole chinmey breast had become super-heated and urgently needed cooling. So whilst the Leading Firefighter got on with removing logs and coal from the hearth, the Officer in Charge sent 2 further crew members up onto the roof with a hose to spray a cooling jet down the chinmey. I was positioned on the front lawn. From here, with the front door open, I had direct line of sight with the guy emptying the fireplace, the crew on the roof, the pump operator at the back of the appliance controlling water flow and pressure and the Officer in Charge, monioring the temperature with the Thermal Image Camera. My job was to relay messages between the various crew members and co-ordinate operations.

Once the pair on the roof were positioned by the cluster of chimney pots I informed the O-i-C and he gave the order to start spraying a cooling jet. He monitored the temperature and told me it was having no effect. "Tell them to up pressure," he shouted. I gave the signal and the guys on the roof eeked up the pressure. Still no change. "More!" shouted the O-i-C. Again, I gave the signal. By now they were bollocking water down the chinmey.

It was at this point - and I'll carry this image to my dying day - that the front door of the next door semi-detached property suddenly flew open and a middle-aged couple staggered out into their garden, emerging from a beautifully back-lit plume of steam like Stars in Their Eyes contestants.

Whoops.

I’m so glad I had just finished my tea

Superb.

 

[Bodian]

I was on the train from Brighton to Lewes one morning with the usual mix of school kids and brainy Uni students.
At Falmer the Uni students went to get off, but as the doors didn't open they just stood there.
The school kids started to snigger.
The uni students walked down the train to an open door.
A school boy got up and pressed the OPEN button.
(it was funny at the time)

My job is footpath related. I was checking a path once and it had a field gate (a 10' gate for vehicles / tractors) with a kissing gate next to it. There were a group of ladies queuing up and going through the kissing gate one-by-one. I just walked up, opened the field gate and passed through quickly, basically overtaking them. As I continued, I heard one of them say 'how male'. I still don't know whether it was a compliment, a criticism, or quite what it meant. I wish I had stopped and asked!

 

[dejavuatbtn]

One Sunday evening, many years ago, the Watch I worked with was called to a chimney fire in a barn conversion.

On arrival, the Officer in Charge went inside with a Leading Firefighter to establish what we were dealing with. More often than not, emptying any fuel from the hearth and a quick use of the chimney rods does the job. On this occasion however, the Thermal Image Camera was showing that the whole chimney breast had become super-heated and urgently needed cooling. So whilst the Leading Firefighter got on with removing logs and coal from the hearth, the Officer in Charge sent 2 further crew members up onto the roof with a hose to spray a cooling jet down the chimney. I was positioned on the front lawn. From here, with the front door open, I had direct line of sight with the guy emptying the fireplace, the crew on the roof, the pump operator at the back of the appliance controlling water flow and pressure and the Officer in Charge, monioring the temperature with the Thermal Image Camera. My job was to relay messages between the various crew members and co-ordinate operations.

Once the pair on the roof were positioned by the cluster of chimney pots I informed the O-i-C and he gave the order to start spraying a cooling jet. He monitored the temperature and told me it was having no effect. "Tell them to up pressure," he shouted. I gave the signal and the guys on the roof eeked up the pressure. Still no change. "More!" shouted the O-i-C. Again, I gave the signal. By now they were bollocking water down the chimney.

It was at this point - and I'll carry this image to my dying day - that the front door of the next door semi-detached property suddenly flew open and a middle-aged couple staggered out into their garden, emerging from a beautifully back-lit plume of steam like Stars in Their Eyes contestants.

Whoops.

One of those “brace yourself Rodney” moments.

 

[Bry Nylon]

I’m so glad I had just finished my tea

Superb.

Another one that always comes to mind was the time the bells went down just after lunch one day and the Officer in Charge emerged from the Watch Office holding the print-out with the details of the job we'd been mobilised to. "Woman stuck in bath" he announced.
Now, you can spend a whole career waiting for a shout like that. It was like Keystone Cops as we all climbed over each other to get on the appliance.

On arrival outside the given address, however, it become obvious from the hand rails and the concrete ramp leading to the front door that the casualty was most likely a member of the senior citizen community and not the nubile flight attendent or lingerie model we had convinced ourselves we were on our way to rescue.

The O-i-C rang the door bell and sure enough it was opened by an old boy in his 80s."It's my missus," he explained. "I'll be honest - she's not a small lady. She's had a soak, let the water out and now she's stuck to the bath like a limpet. I can't free her."
The O-i-C explained that he would have to get few of the crew upstairs to see what we could do. "Do you want to get some towels or maybe a dressing gown before we come in, to protect her modesty?" he asked. "Oh don't worry about that!" replied her husband. "She hasn't got anything you boys haven't seen before."
So in we troop. And there, in the bath, is a sizeable lady, stuck fast in an empty bath by the vacuum effect.
"Right, just give us a second," says the O-i-C and he signals to the crew that we should go out onto the hallway. "Right," he whispers, once we have all shuffled out of the bathroom, "who's got a plan?"
"We could put the plug back in and re-float her," suggests Neil.
"Re-float her? She's not a fvcking battleship!" hissed the O-i-C. "We'll pour a little water around her shoulders and thighs to break the seal and ease her out. Just be gentle and respect her dignity." And with that we all troop back in.
The water trick seems to do the job and Geordie, positioned at the head end, leans forward until he and the lady are almost nose to nose. He puts his arms under her armpits and starts to lever her forwards. With this she lets out an almighty burp and a little bit of sick splats in his face. Barely controlled sniggers from the rest of us fill the bathroom. "I'm so sorry!" she says, mortified. "Here, let me clean you up." And with that she produces a flannel from somewhere in the depths of her nether regions and starts wiping around his mouth.

He was never quite the same after that.

 

[LlcoolJ]

One of the shift leaders at my last job bought a fair amount of cocaine to sell, did all of it over 2 weeks including smoking a fair amount of it. He didn’t come in for those two weeks or the following week. When he finally came back he spent 4 hours straight in a toilet cubicle and then went home again.

Was he still in a job after that? [emoji23]