[Humour] Funny or interesting work anecdotes

[clapham_gull]

A visiting client discovered a human turd outside my office in the hallway.

.. it's a long story.

 

[clapham_gull]

One Sunday evening, many years ago, the Watch I worked with was called to a chimney fire in a barn conversion.

On arrival, the Officer in Charge went inside with a Leading Firefighter to establish what we were dealing with. More often than not, emptying any fuel from the hearth and a quick use of the chimney rods does the job. On this occasion however, the Thermal Image Camera was showing that the whole chimney breast had become super-heated and urgently needed cooling. So whilst the Leading Firefighter got on with removing logs and coal from the hearth, the Officer in Charge sent 2 further crew members up onto the roof with a hose to spray a cooling jet down the chimney. I was positioned on the front lawn. From here, with the front door open, I had direct line of sight with the guy emptying the fireplace, the crew on the roof, the pump operator at the back of the appliance controlling water flow and pressure and the Officer in Charge, monioring the temperature with the Thermal Image Camera. My job was to relay messages between the various crew members and co-ordinate operations.

Once the pair on the roof were positioned by the cluster of chimney pots I informed the O-i-C and he gave the order to start spraying a cooling jet. He monitored the temperature and told me it was having no effect. "Tell them to up pressure," he shouted. I gave the signal and the guys on the roof eeked up the pressure. Still no change. "More!" shouted the O-i-C. Again, I gave the signal. By now they were bollocking water down the chimney.

It was at this point - and I'll carry this image to my dying day - that the front door of the next door semi-detached property suddenly flew open and a middle-aged couple staggered out into their garden, emerging from a beautifully back-lit plume of steam like Stars in Their Eyes contestants.

Whoops.

I saw something very similar. I was visiting a supplier who had been burgled the week before.

They had a company demonstrating a new state of the anti burgle device that fills a room with thick vapour in seconds.

Unfortunately they accidentally set the thing off (in a large open plan office) and we were evacuated into the street.

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

The Champions League trophy was once kept overnight in the stationery cupboard at my workplace.

My daughter, who works for Newport City Council, had the FA cup in her office earlier this year the weekend they pkayed Citeh. ......... that's not funny, though.

 

[LlcoolJ]

Another one that always comes to mind was the time the bells went down just after lunch one day and the Officer in Charge emerged from the Watch Office holding the print-out with the details of the job we'd been mobilised to. "Woman stuck in bath" he announced.
Now, you can spend a whole career waiting for a shout like that. It was like Keystone Cops as we all climbed over each other to get on the appliance.

On arrival outside the given address, however, it become obvious from the hand rails and the concrete ramp leading to the front door that the casualty was most likely a member of the senior citizen community and not the nubile flight attendent or lingerie model we had convinced ourselves we were on our way to rescue.

The O-i-C rang the door bell and sure enough it was opened by an old boy in his 80s."It's my missus," he explained. "I'll be honest - she's not a small lady. She's had a soak, let the water out and now she's stuck to the bath like a limpet. I can't free her."
The O-i-C explained that he would have to get few of the crew upstairs to see what we could do. "Do you want to get some towels or maybe a dressing gown before we come in, to protect her modesty?" he asked. "Oh don't worry about that!" replied her husband. "She hasn't got anything you boys haven't seen before."
So in we troop. And there, in the bath, is a sizeable lady, stuck fast in an empty bath by the vacuum effect.
"Right, just give us a second," says the O-i-C and he signals to the crew that we should go out onto the hallway. "Right," he whispers, once we have all shuffled out of the bathroom, "who's got a plan?"
"We could put the plug back in and re-float her," suggests Neil.
"Re-float her? She's not a fvcking battleship!" hissed the O-i-C. "We'll pour a little water around her shoulders and thighs to break the seal and ease her out. Just be gentle and respect her dignity." And with that we all troop back in.
The water trick seems to do the job and Geordie, positioned at the head end, leans forward until he and the lady are almost nose to nose. He puts his arms under her armpits and starts to lever her forwards. With this she lets out an almighty burp and a little bit of sick splats in his face. Barely controlled sniggers from the rest of us fill the bathroom. "I'm so sorry!" she says, mortified. "Here, let me clean you up." And with that she produces a flannel from somewhere in the depths of her nether regions and starts wiping around his mouth.

He was never quite the same after that.

That's absolutely superb. [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

A mate of mine is an ex firefighter and he has some similar pearlers.

 

[Petunia]

Another one that always comes to mind was the time the bells went down just after lunch one day and the Officer in Charge emerged from the Watch Office holding the print-out with the details of the job we'd been mobilised to. "Woman stuck in bath" he announced.
Now, you can spend a whole career waiting for a shout like that. It was like Keystone Cops as we all climbed over each other to get on the appliance.

On arrival outside the given address, however, it become obvious from the hand rails and the concrete ramp leading to the front door that the casualty was most likely a member of the senior citizen community and not the nubile flight attendent or lingerie model we had convinced ourselves we were on our way to rescue.

The O-i-C rang the door bell and sure enough it was opened by an old boy in his 80s."It's my missus," he explained. "I'll be honest - she's not a small lady. She's had a soak, let the water out and now she's stuck to the bath like a limpet. I can't free her."
The O-i-C explained that he would have to get few of the crew upstairs to see what we could do. "Do you want to get some towels or maybe a dressing gown before we come in, to protect her modesty?" he asked. "Oh don't worry about that!" replied her husband. "She hasn't got anything you boys haven't seen before."
So in we troop. And there, in the bath, is a sizeable lady, stuck fast in an empty bath by the vacuum effect.
"Right, just give us a second," says the O-i-C and he signals to the crew that we should go out onto the hallway. "Right," he whispers, once we have all shuffled out of the bathroom, "who's got a plan?"
"We could put the plug back in and re-float her," suggests Neil.
"Re-float her? She's not a fvcking battleship!" hissed the O-i-C. "We'll pour a little water around her shoulders and thighs to break the seal and ease her out. Just be gentle and respect her dignity." And with that we all troop back in.
The water trick seems to do the job and Geordie, positioned at the head end, leans forward until he and the lady are almost nose to nose. He puts his arms under her armpits and starts to lever her forwards. With this she lets out an almighty burp and a little bit of sick splats in his face. Barely controlled sniggers from the rest of us fill the bathroom. "I'm so sorry!" she says, mortified. "Here, let me clean you up." And with that she produces a flannel from somewhere in the depths of her nether regions and starts wiping around his mouth.

He was never quite the same after that.

Have you ever thought about writing a book?

Another superb effort

(I put my coffee down before I started reading this one)

 

[Albalbion]

Another one that always comes to mind was the time the bells went down just after lunch one day and the Officer in Charge emerged from the Watch Office holding the print-out with the details of the job we'd been mobilised to. "Woman stuck in bath" he announced.
Now, you can spend a whole career waiting for a shout like that. It was like Keystone Cops as we all climbed over each other to get on the appliance.

On arrival outside the given address, however, it become obvious from the hand rails and the concrete ramp leading to the front door that the casualty was most likely a member of the senior citizen community and not the nubile flight attendent or lingerie model we had convinced ourselves we were on our way to rescue.

The O-i-C rang the door bell and sure enough it was opened by an old boy in his 80s."It's my missus," he explained. "I'll be honest - she's not a small lady. She's had a soak, let the water out and now she's stuck to the bath like a limpet. I can't free her."
The O-i-C explained that he would have to get few of the crew upstairs to see what we could do. "Do you want to get some towels or maybe a dressing gown before we come in, to protect her modesty?" he asked. "Oh don't worry about that!" replied her husband. "She hasn't got anything you boys haven't seen before."
So in we troop. And there, in the bath, is a sizeable lady, stuck fast in an empty bath by the vacuum effect.
"Right, just give us a second," says the O-i-C and he signals to the crew that we should go out onto the hallway. "Right," he whispers, once we have all shuffled out of the bathroom, "who's got a plan?"
"We could put the plug back in and re-float her," suggests Neil.
"Re-float her? She's not a fvcking battleship!" hissed the O-i-C. "We'll pour a little water around her shoulders and thighs to break the seal and ease her out. Just be gentle and respect her dignity." And with that we all troop back in.
The water trick seems to do the job and Geordie, positioned at the head end, leans forward until he and the lady are almost nose to nose. He puts his arms under her armpits and starts to lever her forwards. With this she lets out an almighty burp and a little bit of sick splats in his face. Barely controlled sniggers from the rest of us fill the bathroom. "I'm so sorry!" she says, mortified. "Here, let me clean you up." And with that she produces a flannel from somewhere in the depths of her nether regions and starts wiping around his mouth.

He was never quite the same after that.

That is fantastic "shes stuck to the bath like a limpet", howling at that

 

[Jack Straw]

That is fantastic "shes stuck to the bath like a limpet", howling at that

That sentence made me laugh a lot too!

 

[Jack Straw]

I was working by the pond outside the Rotunda Cafe in Preston Park Rose Garden many years ago. A coach-load of pensioners made their way down the short flight of steps towards the pond. I was busy hoeing one of the rose beds, and heard "Tap, tap, tap, SPLASH!" I looked round to see an arm slowly appear from the surface of the water, clasping a white stick. A blind lady had fallen in to the pond. It was like the visually impaired version of Excalibur!

 

[pearl]

the dangers of the email chain:

I received an email from a supplier that made no sense so I scrolled down hoping for enlightenment, but got .......

yeah J---------- in payroll, she's new. Missed her bus so I gave her a lift home.
I just sent her knickers back in the internal mail

 

[Bry Nylon]

Have you ever thought about writing a book?

Another superb effort

(I put my coffee down before I started reading this one)

Ha. Funny you should mention that

I resigned from the Fire and Rescue Service a few years ago and now work in the private sector. But I am currently attempting to write a book featuring the highs and lows of my time in the service. In fact, if I spent less time on here it would probably have been finished ages ago...

 

[PTC Gull]

I was working by the pond outside the Rotunda Cafe in Preston Park Rose Garden many years ago. A coach-load of pensioners made their way down the short flight of steps towards the pond. I was busy hoeing one of the rose beds, and heard "Tap, tap, tap, SPLASH!" I looked round to see an arm slowly appear from the surface of the water, clasping a white stick. A blind lady had fallen in to the pond. It was like the visually impaired version of Excalibur!

Top stuff.

 

[BN9 BHA]

I was working by the pond outside the Rotunda Cafe in Preston Park Rose Garden many years ago. A coach-load of pensioners made their way down the short flight of steps towards the pond. I was busy hoeing one of the rose beds, and heard "Tap, tap, tap, SPLASH!" I looked round to see an arm slowly appear from the surface of the water, clasping a white stick. A blind lady had fallen in to the pond. It was like the visually impaired version of Excalibur!

I fell in that pond when I was a kid

 

[Bry Nylon]

"Tap, tap, tap, SPLASH!"

Seems a little uncharitable to laugh, but

 

[pearl]

I fell in that pond when I was a kid

I split my knee open trying to leap across it whilst drunk when I was about 24

 

[pearl]

Another one that always comes to mind was the time the bells went down just after lunch one day and the Officer in Charge emerged from the Watch Office holding the print-out with the details of the job we'd been mobilised to. "Woman stuck in bath" he announced.
Now, you can spend a whole career waiting for a shout like that. It was like Keystone Cops as we all climbed over each other to get on the appliance.

On arrival outside the given address, however, it become obvious from the hand rails and the concrete ramp leading to the front door that the casualty was most likely a member of the senior citizen community and not the nubile flight attendent or lingerie model we had convinced ourselves we were on our way to rescue.

The O-i-C rang the door bell and sure enough it was opened by an old boy in his 80s."It's my missus," he explained. "I'll be honest - she's not a small lady. She's had a soak, let the water out and now she's stuck to the bath like a limpet. I can't free her."
The O-i-C explained that he would have to get few of the crew upstairs to see what we could do. "Do you want to get some towels or maybe a dressing gown before we come in, to protect her modesty?" he asked. "Oh don't worry about that!" replied her husband. "She hasn't got anything you boys haven't seen before."
So in we troop. And there, in the bath, is a sizeable lady, stuck fast in an empty bath by the vacuum effect.
"Right, just give us a second," says the O-i-C and he signals to the crew that we should go out onto the hallway. "Right," he whispers, once we have all shuffled out of the bathroom, "who's got a plan?"
"We could put the plug back in and re-float her," suggests Neil.
"Re-float her? She's not a fvcking battleship!" hissed the O-i-C. "We'll pour a little water around her shoulders and thighs to break the seal and ease her out. Just be gentle and respect her dignity." And with that we all troop back in.
The water trick seems to do the job and Geordie, positioned at the head end, leans forward until he and the lady are almost nose to nose. He puts his arms under her armpits and starts to lever her forwards. With this she lets out an almighty burp and a little bit of sick splats in his face. Barely controlled sniggers from the rest of us fill the bathroom. "I'm so sorry!" she says, mortified. "Here, let me clean you up." And with that she produces a flannel from somewhere in the depths of her nether regions and starts wiping around his mouth.

He was never quite the same after that.

Absolutely f*cking brilliant!

 

[BN9 BHA]

I split my knee open trying to leap across it whilst drunk when I was about 24

Did you end up in the water?

 

[pearl]

Did you end up in the water?

I think one leg did. I'd been drinking in the park, some bands had been playing. Quite a day, got thrown out the Argyle Arms in the evening

(I've changed)

 

[Whitechapel]

Was he still in a job after that? [emoji23]

Yeah, they couldn’t fire him because they’d recently lost his friend, who was also a shift leader after he’d f*cked off to Scotland after pranging out whilst smoking crack (yes, seriously)

 

[Bry Nylon]

One of the shift leaders at my last job bought a fair amount of cocaine to sell, did all of it over 2 weeks including smoking a fair amount of it. He didn’t come in for those two weeks or the following week. When he finally came back he spent 4 hours straight in a toilet cubicle and then went home again.

Was he still in a job after that? [emoji23]

Yeah, they couldn’t fire him because they’d recently lost his friend, who was also a shift leader after he’d f*cked off to Scotland after pranging out whilst smoking crack (yes, seriously)

Where the hell were you working?

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

Where the hell were you working?

The police