Favourite Crap Joke

[Croydonbloke]

An old man walks into an Ice cream parlour and struggles on to his stool.

The waitress comes over and he asked for a knickerbockergolry

She replies `crushed nut.`

He replies `No arthritis` . Right who`s nicked me coat!!

 

[Exmouth Seagull]

How many ears did Captain Kirk have?



Three - the left ear, the right ear and space - the final front ear.

 

[Parson Henry]

What do you call a deer without eyes

No idea

What do you call a deer without eyes or legs

still no idea

What do you call a celibate deer with no legs and no eyes?

Still no f***king idea!!

 

[Rambo]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

The barman says...........................

































Is this some kind of joke?

 

[pasty]

just been told this one by a sympathetic colleague...

What's the difference between a pre-menstrual woman and a rabid rottweiler?
.
.
.You can reason with a rabid rottweiler...

Why does it take 3 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?

BECAUSE IT f***ing WELL DOES...OKAY?

 

[rool]

why did the palace fan marry a toilet?

because it smells better and the hole's smaller.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

whats red and smells like blue paint?....................red paint!

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

what do you call a bloke with no shins?...........toe knee

 

[pasty]

Man in pub: May I have a pint and a packet of helicopter flavour crisps please?
Barman: Sorry, we don't have helicopter flavour
Man in pub: Okay, I'll just have plain then

 

[Hampden Park]

why did the kangaroo go to hospital?

for a hoperation !

 

[LANGDON SEAGULL]

I got the Next catalogue yesterday, havent read the last one yet

Went to buy an ice cream yesterday, the man in the van said "do you want hundreds and thousands", no just one will do.

 

[H block]

Knock knock

 

[Hampden Park]

Knock knock

come in H block, the doors open

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Why is a tractor magic?

Because it drives down a road and turns into a field!

 

[withdeanwombat]

Two blokes and an air stewardess are the only survivors of an aircrash in the desert.
They decide to try to rescue themselves by walking towards the oasis....just over there.

They take all the supplies they can find,viz a bag of plain flour.

They crawl and crawl,but the oasis is a mirage (as usual in desert jokes)

The stewardess says its pointless,and what can we do with this flour?

One of the men says,"Hang on,if we pee on it,the sun will bake it into bread!"

Great idea,but neither of the blokes can manage a wee wee.

The stewardess says "Men!" So she decides to try herself. She lowers her panties and squats above the flour and squeezes and squeezes.

Eventually she gives an explosive fart,and scatters the flour acoss the desert.








The two blokes peed themslves laughing.

 

[withdeanwombat]

A bloke is leading his camel towards the oasis (probably a mirage cos this is in the desert.)

He finds a girl buried up to her head in the sand.

Gadzooks,what happened to you?

The Bedouin stole my camel and stripped me naked an d buried me here to die.Oh please , PLEASE rescue me,please dig me out.

Ah,but whats in it for me?










Sand.

 

[withdeanwombat]

Or,

My dogs got no nose

How does he smell?

 

[withdeanwombat]

Or the joke that was allegedly the worlds funniest.

Holmes and Watson are out camping.

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson and says "Watson dear fellow,look up and tell me what you see,and what your deductions are"

Watson looks up and says"Thousands,no millions of stars.Some must have planets around them so I deduce that we are not alone in the universe."

Holmes says "Watson,you ninny.Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[withdeanwombat]

Doctor,doctor I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum"

"Don't worry,I've got some cream for that."














Retires from thread.I thank you!

 

[dougdeep]

Why don't elephants like penguins?