Bottom wiping

[tottenhamseagull]

The danger of scrunching is that if you are off target you can end up with a BUNGLE's FINGER (Younger readers, not familiar with RAINBOW, may need to research this).

 

[TheJasperCo]

I'm a scruncher, although I have been known to mix between the two occasionally.

 

[Simster]

The danger of scrunching is that if you are off target you can end up with a BUNGLE's FINGER (Younger readers, not familiar with RAINBOW, may need to research this).

 

[Bladders]

I'm going to delicately fold next time and report back.

Early expectations are a good start with an unforeseen tear half way through and a stray finger inadvertently pushing some back where it came.

 

[SeagullSongs]

I'm going to delicately fold next time and report back.

Early expectations are a good start with an unforeseen tear half way through and a stray finger inadvertently pushing some back where it came.

You need to use more sheets then. Less than 3 is a risk, but sometimes a necessity when there are 5 sheets left on the roll. Using all 5 at once is just greedy and should only ever be resorted to in the first wipe of attempting to clean the curry-creche.

 

[Bladders]

You need to use more sheets then. Less than 3 is a risk, but sometimes a necessity when there are 5 sheets left on the roll. Using all 5 at once is just greedy and should only ever be resorted to in the first wipe of attempting to clean the curry-creche.

Mmm, dually noted.

Any advice on the correct way to hold this flat bread of a toilet tissue?

 

[Dan Gleeballs]

I pooped outside once and it f***ing stunk, like 10x worse than usual. Nearly threw up on the spot, gagging.

One my mates is a trucker. He is also the self proclaimed 'phantom logger'. The lack of u bend water rarely deters him from laying a dog egg in the wild.

 

[SeagullSongs]

Mmm, dually noted.

Any advice on the correct way to hold this flat bread of a toilet tissue?

Hand flat with thumb slightly bent for gripping the sheet. The diagonal line from corner to corner of the sheet should be parallel and in line with your middle finger.

 

[Bladders]

Well I've got it on the right way

.......and have perfected the one handed yank

......and your basically saying that I have to hold it in the 'diamond formation' as it passes the incriminating area with the 'Pirlo corner' at the back of the wipe?

 

[KLUNK]

To be fair,no matter how hard you try or pretty much whichever method you use to wipe your shitty crack,you can never be 100% sure how clean you leave it.
The most confident you possibly can be,would be after a damn good bath. A good scrub with the soap/gel of your choice in the h20 beneath the waters surface,& you're good to go.

So,with this is mind,I have been recently changed my botty wiping method,as follows:
1) Orthodox wipe to gauge what you are dealing with.
2) Scrunch up the initial damage with toilet paper(3-5 sheets) and repeat til colour fades to an acceptable shade.
3) Run a small amount of tap warm to 5-7 sheets of bog roll & apply shower gel(or equivalent),then lather the crack up n down. Inspect & basically continue this step until no brown remains.
4) By now your arsehole will be clean(er) but wet. Dry with as much bog roll as is necessary.

Seems to be a good system

Minuses: - Quite expensive what with using so much toilet paper.

Pluses: - Feelgood factor knowing your arsehole is clean.
- you can wear white pants.

 

[bomber130]

I myself am very generous when it comes to wiping the arse crack. About 8 sheets of good quality shit roll folded in half and then have a really good wipe applying enough pressure to collect as much residue as possible. Once first wipe complete roll dirty paper into a scrunch up roll, there should be enough paper left for a secondary wipe. If additional wipes are required I repeat the process.
Wet wipes are also at hand to clean up the final dot which I can never seem to get rid of with paper. I can then dance like this without potential skidmarks.

My work here is done

 

[Bladders]

To be fair,no matter how hard you try or pretty much whichever method you use to wipe your shitty crack,you can never be 100% sure how clean you leave it.
The most confident you possibly can be,would be after a damn good bath. A good scrub with the soap/gel of your choice in the h20 beneath the waters surface,& you're good to go.

So,with this is mind,I have been recently changed my botty wiping method,as follows:
1) Orthodox wipe to gauge what you are dealing with.
2) Scrunch up the initial damage with toilet paper(3-5 sheets) and repeat til colour fades to an acceptable shade.
3) Run a small amount of tap warm to 5-7 sheets of bog roll & apply shower gel(or equivalent),then lather the crack up n down. Inspect & basically continue this step until no brown remains.
4) By now your arsehole will be clean(er) but wet. Dry with as much bog roll as is necessary.

Seems to be a good system

Minuses: - Quite expensive what with using so much toilet paper.

Pluses: - Feelgood factor knowing your arsehole is clean.
- you can wear white pants.

Excellent! I'll be doing this at halftime in the ESU toilets next season.

 

[SeagullSongs]

To be fair,no matter how hard you try or pretty much whichever method you use to wipe your shitty crack,you can never be 100% sure how clean you leave it.
The most confident you possibly can be,would be after a damn good bath. A good scrub with the soap/gel of your choice in the h20 beneath the waters surface,& you're good to go.

So,with this is mind,I have been recently changed my botty wiping method,as follows:
1) Orthodox wipe to gauge what you are dealing with.
2) Scrunch up the initial damage with toilet paper(3-5 sheets) and repeat til colour fades to an acceptable shade.
3) Run a small amount of tap warm to 5-7 sheets of bog roll & apply shower gel(or equivalent),then lather the crack up n down. Inspect & basically continue this step until no brown remains.
4) By now your arsehole will be clean(er) but wet. Dry with as much bog roll as is necessary.

Seems to be a good system

Minuses: - Quite expensive what with using so much toilet paper.

Pluses: - Feelgood factor knowing your arsehole is clean.
- you can wear white pants.

Sounds like you use a roll pretty much every other visit!

Excellent! I'll be doing this at halftime in the ESU toilets next season.

 

[Essan128]

Just been for my mid morning coffee poo, and thought i would use a different wiping technique. normally i scrunch the toilet paper up and give a good wipe, but today i went for the folded paper technique. Wasnt too impressed as i got a bit of poop on my finger and therefore had to revert back to my trusted paper crunching method.

Just wondering if there are any other bum wiping methods out there.

Yes i am very bored at work

Just spent the last ten days back in England and this was one of the problems I was having. How to get a poo free arse. Doesn't matter how many wipes you give it, it's never really clean.
Most descent bathrooms in Thailand have a jet wash next to the toilet, a good squirt and a scrub with the left hand for a shit free arse. Only use paper to have a dry up.
Guaranteed no skid marks but you must remember to wash your hands after!!!

Really can't believe English bathroom suppliers haven't picked up on this yet.

On another note, women wouldn't smell half as fishy if they were to have a proper wash up rather than just towel dry.

 

[Goring Gull]

Slightly different question what do you do when you have made the schoolboy error of checking for bog roll before you take a dump to find teh horror that there isn't any once you have a filthy backside?

 

[MJsGhost]

The danger of scrunching is that if you are off target you can end up with a BUNGLE's FINGER (Younger readers, not familiar with RAINBOW, may need to research this).

I'm not entirely sure you have the correct definition of 'Bungle's finger' there...

If memory serves me correctly, Roger's Profanisaurus has "Bungle's Finger" down as the poo itself (more specifically, a variant of "turtle's head" - an imminently arriving poop), not a finger covered in poo.

 

[KLUNK]

All talk of toilet hygiene,or the lack of it reminds me of being in the right place(cos I needed a dump) at the wrong time.

A couple of years back,I was in trap 4 in the County Mall shitters in Crawley.
Unfortunately the guy next door was having what was obviously a very messy shit. He was getting through SO much loo roll,it was untrue. Every 15 seconds or so,I would hear him tear off a good few sheets,again * & again & again...
Finally,thank f*** he pulls the chain. At last,the performance was over. Oh no....More faffing about. Sheet after sheet,wipe after wipe and so it went on.
Then... He pulled the chain. Guess what,he still wasn't f***ing finished!!!!*
He continued to wipe,& then suddenly muttered(too loudly) "Ah f*** it. That'll have to do..." and then left! ! ! !

I promise you all the above is true. God only knows how caked up in shit his crack was,but to concede defeat and leave the wc knowing his arse was still filthy,defies belief! Not pleasant

 

[KLUNK]

:-(

 

[MJsGhost]

Well I've got it on the right way

.......and have perfected the one handed yank

......and your basically saying that I have to hold it in the 'diamond formation' as it passes the incriminating area with the 'Pirlo corner' at the back of the wipe?

Brilliant - I need to show this to the missus! It always annoys me when she puts the bumwad on the holder the wrong way round...
I've even been known to flip it round when taking a dump in other people's houses! (in their bathroom I should add - in the chodbin as convention dictates!)

 

[Hiney]

Poor post. A simple 3 or 4 fold procedure really hardly qualifies as origami, and the measure of control gained from such sensible preparation is immense.

Wise words [MENTION=232]Simster[/MENTION]

The consistency of the poo is also CRUCIAL. This has a direct correllation to the number of sheets required.

Due consideration must also be given to the quality of paper used. The ultra-cheap 'special offer' rolls offered by some Supermarkets really can be a false economy. A flimsy roll will often need 4 or 5 sheets to provide the necessary finger-protection, whereas a more expensive roll (possible infused with Aloe Vera) will only require 2 sheets for complete peace of mind.