Bell Cheeses at work

[happypig]

What an almighty great hefty 24 carat slab of meaningless corporate OMNIBOLLOCKS.

Just the words "workshop", "interactive" and "engaging" has me breaking out in pus-filled BOILS of pure unaldulterated ANGST. I would literally rather hack my own bellend off with a rusty teaspoon than attend so much as 45 minutes of this cataclysmic clusterfvck of abject corporate dullard brainwashing.

I mean what, in the name of holy FRIG, is "silo working" anyway ? If you actually know - don't tell me. I don't give a shit, and you will be dead to me.

I'll put you down for the engagement focus event shall I ?

 

[McTavish]

if I dropped the contents of a Maltesers bag on the office carpet, I freely admit I'd be considering the old Five Second Rule, and possibly even contemplating extending it to ten seconds.

The Five Second Rule is a real thing...SCIENCE says so. http://www.standard.co.uk/news/health/food-safe-to-eat-under-fivesecond-rule-a3489887.html

 

[Bigtomfu]

A slightly different angle last night.

I was on my way home on the train and my eyes were drawn to the work the guy sitting next to me was doing.

He was classic Laptop Train Man. His laptop was the size of a mini PC and he was hammering away at the keys doing a PowerPoint slide.

He was doing the same slide for an hour and it was awful. I won't mention the company but the main point of the slide was "to increase market penetration from 30 to 32%"

There followed a list of bullet points Steve Austin would not have been able to read with a bionic eye.

I left him to it. Poor sods at that presentation will have rough time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

If BC had a sponsor it would surely be Berocca.

The above would fit very nicely as a scene for their new advert and could be made even better by a cut away to said BC back at home cooking the dinner with one hand, feeding the kids with his other and sweeping the floor with a broom deposited in his favourite orifice.

"You but on a really good day"


CHUFF off you utter bunch of CJTCs.

 

[MattBackHome]

There followed a list of bullet points Steve Austin would not have been able to read with a bionic eye.

Wonderful

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Hmmmm. There is little doubt this lady is occupying a prominent position in the all-time League of Bellcheesery.

However. Call me a RIGHT OLD TRAMP, but if I dropped the contents of a Maltesers bag on the office carpet, I freely admit I'd be considering the old Five Second Rule, and possibly even contemplating extending it to ten seconds. It's not like she's dropped them on the floor of a public toilet, or even on the pavement outside, I assume. It's just the carpet. And it's an ENTIRE BAG of precious chocolate.

Maybe it's because you're a CHAP, that your understanding of the need for chocolate is slightly lacking. Or maybe you just work in a FILTHY office. But I've got to say- sorry, by the way- on this one, I think I'm with her. We all need a few germs to keep us strong, right? And a fair bit of chocolate.

[MENTION=249]edna krabappel[/MENTION] - I KNOW you, and know that you're NOT a TRAMP. It is an office, but not a plush office in a smart office block. Its a mezzanine office in a light industrial unit, with the original carpet from when we moved in in 1997. I can safely call it, that you would NOT have eaten them.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

[MENTION=249]edna krabappel[/MENTION] - I KNOW you, and know that you're NOT a TRAMP. It is an office, but not a plush office in a smart office block. Its a mezzanine office in a light industrial unit, with the original carpet from when we moved in in 1997. I can safely call it, that you would NOT have eaten them.

Understood. I'm glad we've cleared that up

 

[blue'n'white]

I was intrigued enough by the mention of "silo working" to look it up on Google - it's management bolleaux of the highest order
And no I'm not going to pretend to care what it means but it is utter

 

[Insel affe]

Been told that this is not an appropriate screensaver at work today, I would not mind but customers cannot see it clearly from the counter.....

Time to move on....

 

[Surf's Up]

Hmmmm. There is little doubt this lady is occupying a prominent position in the all-time League of Bellcheesery.

However. Call me a RIGHT OLD TRAMP, but if I dropped the contents of a Maltesers bag on the office carpet, I freely admit I'd be considering the old Five Second Rule, and possibly even contemplating extending it to ten seconds. It's not like she's dropped them on the floor of a public toilet, or even on the pavement outside, I assume. It's just the carpet. And it's an ENTIRE BAG of precious chocolate.

Maybe it's because you're a CHAP, that your understanding of the need for chocolate is slightly lacking. Or maybe you just work in a FILTHY office. But I've got to say- sorry, by the way- on this one, I think I'm with her. We all need a few germs to keep us strong, right? And a fair bit of chocolate.

Its finally, and perhaps some may say inevitably, happening .... Edna is morphing into Enrest

 

[Bodian]

Looking forward to our annual staff conference tomorrow. I seem to have avoided the worst of the corporate bolox 'sessions', namely:

Mini Olympics of Transformation
As we continue our journey to become transformational, this workshop will explore through the use of interactive and engaging activities the key themes of transformation including leadership, communication and the avoidance of silo working. This consists of about 6 events, all with a transformation theme.

It appears to have been about 'Team Building' (making cars out of balloons and cups, and other similar 'bonding experiences') - but with the 'subtle twist' that you had to work with people from other teams.

I avoided it by going for a walk in the grounds and along the lakeshore with a few colleagues I haven't worked closely with for about six months - which probably did far more for 'cross-team working' than anything organised......

 

[Spiros]

A slightly different angle last night.

I was on my way home on the train and my eyes were drawn to the work the guy sitting next to me was doing.

He was classic Laptop Train Man. His laptop was the size of a mini PC and he was hammering away at the keys doing a PowerPoint slide.

He was doing the same slide for an hour and it was awful. I won't mention the company but the main point of the slide was "to increase market penetration from 30 to 32%"

There followed a list of bullet points Steve Austin would not have been able to read with a bionic eye.

I left him to it. Poor sods at that presentation will have rough time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't get this desperate need to work on the train - the place is crowded enough as it is without some tw@t trying to turn it into his office extension.

A few years back - when working for our beloved sponsors - I was taking the train to our London office. At Shoreham someone sat next to me, got out the laptop and started to work on what was quite obviously someone's appraisal. The style of the document looked vaguely familiar and so did the guy working on it.

Although not wanting to look - it's like a car crash - I felt my eyes drawn to the detailed appraisal of someone I knew well. My 'new neighbour' was apparently a senior manager at the same company as me. I mentioned to him that I could easily see what he was doing and that it might be inappropriate to be doing something this confidential on a train where me (and the guy standing next to his seat) could easily see it. I then dropped the bombshell that I worked for the same company and knew the person his document referred to. His face was a picture, he then muttered something which sounded like 'f**k off and mind your own business' before gathering up his stuff and pushing his way out of the carriage. Never saw him again

 

[dazzer6666]

I don't get this desperate need to work on the train - the place is crowded enough as it is without some tw@t trying to turn it into his office extension.

A few years back - when working for our beloved sponsors - I was taking the train to our London office. At Shoreham someone sat next to me, got out the laptop and started to work on what was quite obviously someone's appraisal. The style of the document looked vaguely familiar and so did the guy working on it.

Although not wanting to look - it's like a car crash - I felt my eyes drawn to the detailed appraisal of someone I knew well. My 'new neighbour' was apparently a senior manager at the same company as me. I mentioned to him that I could easily see what he was doing and that it might be inappropriate to be doing something this confidential on a train where me (and the guy standing next to his seat) could easily see it. I then dropped the bombshell that I worked for the same company and knew the person his document referred to. His face was a picture, he then muttered something which sounded like 'f**k off and mind your own business' before gathering up his stuff and pushing his way out of the carriage. Never saw him again

Had a very similar incident - I was working for our internal audit function in head office, and the guy opposite me on the train proceeded to get out a file of client credit applications and start reviewing them (same bank). The top sheets on these things have basically all the client detail - name, address, business, bank balances, amount of loan requested, what for etc etc. He was going through them and then sticking a post-it note on the top with his comments and decision - like 'declined, client can't be trusted to meet commitments based on his prior history' etc

I leaned over and quietly suggested he shouldn't be doing that where other people could clearly see what he was doing and see all the confidential detail. He replied very aggressively and said 'what the **** has it got to do with you ?' loud enough for a dozen or so people to look up from what they were doing. I said nothing and just took a business card out of my bag and put it in front of him.

Same response........after looking like he'd literally shit himself, he hastily gathered up all his stuff and pushed past everyone into another carriage without saying a word. I got an email from him the next day apologising and thanking me for 'reminding him of the importance of confidentiality'.

 

[Reagulls]

I said nothing and just took a business card out of my bag and put it in front of him.

those rare golden moments really are ones to treasure....

 

[Badger]

I don't get this desperate need to work on the train - the place is crowded enough as it is without some tw@t trying to turn it into his office extension.

A few years back - when working for our beloved sponsors - I was taking the train to our London office. At Shoreham someone sat next to me, got out the laptop and started to work on what was quite obviously someone's appraisal. The style of the document looked vaguely familiar and so did the guy working on it.

Although not wanting to look - it's like a car crash - I felt my eyes drawn to the detailed appraisal of someone I knew well. My 'new neighbour' was apparently a senior manager at the same company as me. I mentioned to him that I could easily see what he was doing and that it might be inappropriate to be doing something this confidential on a train where me (and the guy standing next to his seat) could easily see it. I then dropped the bombshell that I worked for the same company and knew the person his document referred to. His face was a picture, he then muttered something which sounded like 'f**k off and mind your own business' before gathering up his stuff and pushing his way out of the carriage. Never saw him again

These are usually the same NOBS who send emails at 1am to make it look like they're really hard workers, and are going above and beyond the call of duty. In reality they're just so INCOMPETENT at doing their job efficiently during the working day, they have to work out-of-hours to make up for it.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Great work Spiros and Dazzer

 

[DerekZoolander]

Good afternoon everyone,

Not posted for a while, having mainly forgotten I had a login. But having read through every page of this thread as a guest, I have now felt compelled to get this off my chest.

Firstly, I work for myself, so I'm afraid to say that the only cheese around here is me. So I'd like to bring up 'out of work emails'. You know, the instant message that pops back into your inbox to say 'Sorry, am out of the office now until next wednesday, but if you urgently need to contact us, please email on sales@bellcheese.com'.

So why, WHY, do people feel the need to post what they're actually doing?! I got one yesterday saying 'Will be out the office now until next week, as I'm off to Viva Las Vegas baby to spend all my money' if that isn't serious cheeseness then I don't know what is, I don't give an owls nad what you're doing. Frankly, I hope you lose all your money, your passport and your plane ticket and you never bother me again.

The next one I received (which having seen some of the comments on here about pregnant women at work, I'm sure will agitate some people) was 'Sorry am out of the office now, I've just given birth to an amazing baby boy called (some twatish name I can't remember) weighing 7 pounds, mother and baby are doing well'. **** off, just **** OFF. I don't care and neither does anyone else, other than your family and no doubt the other cooing women in your office. I don't need to know this pointless bit of TWADDLE.

And whilst I'm at it, another thing which I know has been covered, but people who speak in a put on accent or another language. Received an email from someone yesterday regarding a quote that I'd sent saying 'Gracias'. ******* Gracias, you're not Spanish, your name is Steve mate. I felt like walking to his place of work and smashing his keyboard over his CJTC head.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

And whilst I'm at it, another thing which I know has been covered, but people who speak in a put on accent .

We have a major installation in Aberdeen.

'Noise Machine' cannot say the word 'Aberdeen' in her own (Southampton) voice. Just can't do it. It is impossible.

The rest of the sentence - fine. Just not that word. She can only say that possessed by the spirit of Billy Connolly's really, really loud and annoying aunt.

"Oh, by the way, Danny rang for you, from AB - ERR - DEEEEEN. Can you call him back".

**** off.

 

[dazzer6666]

Good afternoon everyone,

Not posted for a while, having mainly forgotten I had a login. But having read through every page of this thread as a guest, I have now felt compelled to get this off my chest.

Firstly, I work for myself, so I'm afraid to say that the only cheese around here is me. So I'd like to bring up 'out of work emails'. You know, the instant message that pops back into your inbox to say 'Sorry, am out of the office now until next wednesday, but if you urgently need to contact us, please email on sales@bellcheese.com'.

So why, WHY, do people feel the need to post what they're actually doing?! I got one yesterday saying 'Will be out the office now until next week, as I'm off to Viva Las Vegas baby to spend all my money' if that isn't serious cheeseness then I don't know what is, I don't give an owls nad what you're doing. Frankly, I hope you lose all your money, your passport and your plane ticket and you never bother me again.

The next one I received (which having seen some of the comments on here about pregnant women at work, I'm sure will agitate some people) was 'Sorry am out of the office now, I've just given birth to an amazing baby boy called (some twatish name I can't remember) weighing 7 pounds, mother and baby are doing well'. **** off, just **** OFF. I don't care and neither does anyone else, other than your family and no doubt the other cooing women in your office. I don't need to know this pointless bit of TWADDLE.

And whilst I'm at it, another thing which I know has been covered, but people who speak in a put on accent or another language. Received an email from someone yesterday regarding a quote that I'd sent saying 'Gracias'. ******* Gracias, you're not Spanish, your name is Steve mate. I felt like walking to his place of work and smashing his keyboard over his CJTC head.

You need to post more often. TOP ranting at some perfectly valid targets

...and you're right. keep the message simple.

I'm out of the office, emails won't be read. Contact XYZ in my absence. I'm back next week

That's all. Anything more is bellcheesery (must admit I've never seen any as bad as the ones you've quoted above though)

 

[pearl]

We have a major installation in Aberdeen.

'Noise Machine' cannot say the word 'Aberdeen' in her own (Southampton) voice. Just can't do it. It is impossible.

The rest of the sentence - fine. Just not that word. She can only say that possessed by the spirit of Billy Connolly's really, really loud and annoying aunt.

"Oh, by the way, Danny rang for you, from AB - ERR - DEEEEEN. Can you call him back".

**** off.

that is so funny

 

[hans kraay fan club]

that is so funny

It really, really, really isn't.