Well if it is only dogs that surely breaks discrimination laws. I'm tempted to bring in a couple of seagulls and let them loose inside the building when I go out on my lunch break.
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Bell Cheeses at work
- Thread starter Iggle Piggle
- Start date
Well if it is only dogs that surely breaks discrimination laws. I'm tempted to bring in a couple of seagulls and let them loose inside the building when I go out on my lunch break.
So, I'm last here tonight. Thought you chaps would like a picture of Crisps' BIN. The bins were emptied by the cleaners this morning. Bear in mind that none of this is her actual LUNCH, which was some horrible smelling heated up STUFF in a Tupperware box.
tinycowboy
Well-known member
I love Chipsticks. That carpet'll need a bit of vacuuming later.
Gullflyinghigh
Registered User
- Apr 23, 2012
- 4,279
I do recall previously suggesting taking in a Honeybadger...sure, certain wrong minded NSC individuals may think that it'd only tickle the dogs and frolic nearby but I'm fairly certain it could pass along your feelings in a suitably murdery fashion.
That's quite an achievement, how long is the landwhale there for on a normal day?
Picture of what it looks like around her feet would be interesting (not with her feet in it, obviously - you'd look a bit weird). If you stay there long enough I bet there are mice........
Norman Potting
Well-known member
I love this thread and dive straight into it whenever it reappears on page 1. If I ever see a headline "..... office worker runs amok with chainsaw..." I will know it is one of you lot!
They look like supermarket own brand chipsticks which are vastly inferior to Smiths.
tinycowboy
Well-known member
The M&S version is very acceptable; not sure which brand this is - could you just have a look please HKFC?
Simon Morgan
New member
"We need to just touch base on that one"
"Does that make sense?"
Favourite phrases from my least favourite human being. Hyperactive beyond belief, spends all day flapping around without actually doing anything and gets pretty much everyone to cover for her due to the fact that she is supposedly more important than they are. One of the more regular compulsory but accidental meetings I seem to have with her is lunchtime, when the enormous mass of keys she seemingly carries around in her hand all day long gets dumped on the table to tell everyone that she's arrived. Following this, lunch becomes a strange, almost schizophrenic version of musical chairs. A few frantic bites, then charging off into another room to socially apprehend yet another poor member of staff. Back to the food. Off to reception to make someone else's day that much worse. The worst thing is she is quite obviously as thick as shit, but labours under the completely false notion that she is incredibly clever in her disgusting manipulation of other members of staff. Today was a pretty low point. Sat in the computer room trying to have a normal conversation with my colleague and mentor. Simply cannot hear a word due to the SHOUTING taking place merely inches away from where I am sitting. I have to resort to lip-reading to compensate for this, only to then be faced with her flapping arm frantically pointing at the computer screen in front of me. Can't see who I'm talking to, can't hear who I'm talking to. She is one of the assistant managers, and while the manager is away this week she has been sat in his office doing completely nothing/engaging in some conversational shouting in the staff room. The manager in question is leaving soon, and luckily so am I. This utter witch is being interviewed to replace him tomorrow. God help my poor colleagues.
"Does that make sense?"
Favourite phrases from my least favourite human being. Hyperactive beyond belief, spends all day flapping around without actually doing anything and gets pretty much everyone to cover for her due to the fact that she is supposedly more important than they are. One of the more regular compulsory but accidental meetings I seem to have with her is lunchtime, when the enormous mass of keys she seemingly carries around in her hand all day long gets dumped on the table to tell everyone that she's arrived. Following this, lunch becomes a strange, almost schizophrenic version of musical chairs. A few frantic bites, then charging off into another room to socially apprehend yet another poor member of staff. Back to the food. Off to reception to make someone else's day that much worse. The worst thing is she is quite obviously as thick as shit, but labours under the completely false notion that she is incredibly clever in her disgusting manipulation of other members of staff. Today was a pretty low point. Sat in the computer room trying to have a normal conversation with my colleague and mentor. Simply cannot hear a word due to the SHOUTING taking place merely inches away from where I am sitting. I have to resort to lip-reading to compensate for this, only to then be faced with her flapping arm frantically pointing at the computer screen in front of me. Can't see who I'm talking to, can't hear who I'm talking to. She is one of the assistant managers, and while the manager is away this week she has been sat in his office doing completely nothing/engaging in some conversational shouting in the staff room. The manager in question is leaving soon, and luckily so am I. This utter witch is being interviewed to replace him tomorrow. God help my poor colleagues.
I
I'd do the deal, for sure. Gareth sounds way less annoying than Crisps.
I'd do the deal, for sure. Gareth sounds way less annoying than Crisps.
I'm OUT tomorrow so won't be able to do so, I'm afraid. From digging through all her crap in the fridge to find my sandwiches though, I can confirm that pretty much all her shopping is done at ASDA.
Brian Fantana
Well-known member
There was utter OUTRAGE today when something was stolen from one of the communal fridges on our floor. Unfortunately for the thief, the victim was the prawn cocktail woman who haunts the early part of this thread. She proceeded to waddle around the office for most of the afternoon, like a cross between Fat ******* from Austin Powers and Miss Marple, interogating potential suspects. Her sleuthing genuinely included interrupting our FD's weekly 1-2-1 with the MD to enquire if either of them had seen her weightwatchers toffee yoghurt. Given her appetite and current physique, adopting the tactic of Weightwatchers desserts is like trying to stop a sinking ship with a plaster. Grade A bellendery all round.
Shuggie
Well-known member
Talking of virgins (on this thread) ... 
As mentioned by a few others, this thread is pure therapy. I once tried to share it with a US colleague but they couldn't make head nor tail of it which cheered me up immensely for some reason. Anyways, my tale is a little darker than all the noisome individuals previously exposed on here but I do offer three bell-cheeses for the price of one. So here goes ...
BC1 = ex-Army (wanker)
BC2 = ex-Navy (precious, fragile, snide)
BC3 = VP Sales (pig-snout-trough)
BC1 tells me "off the record" that one of my newbies has seriously screwed up a project. But, not to worry, he has covered my arse on this one. BC2 who works for someone else sidles up to me and, "off the record", corroborates BC1's story. This version of events (ex-warriors saving my bacon) gains currency over the next few days and is now the accepted truth in the organisation. The project is some insignificant pile of crap that no one gives a sh1t about except BC3 who thinks it's the stuff of (wet) dreams.
A week later pouty fat breathless sweaty BC3 (the one who slurps, squeaks, dribbles and slops as he waddles past like a senile flatulent bloodhound) lets me know "off the record" that he was at the meeting where it all kicked off and (think Texan accent) "my, they were rough with your guy. Jeez, I felt uncomfortable just being there. It was like watching bullies in the schoolyard. But I gotta tell ya ... your man stood up to 'em good and true. He really went up several notches in ma estimation the way he handled them. Dun't make sense to me why they all wuz picking on 'im but but I reckons BC1 and BC2 were waving their dicks at the foxy lady from the software company. Just thought you should know. You've got a good 'un there and, hey, I'll support you in whaddever you choose to do." Did I mention his wet handshake and the large circles under his arms? It's too late. Newbie is a dead-man walking, poor sod, and will shortly come to know the meaning of 'Kafkaesque'.
As for BC3... What. A. C**T. Will he still support me when I staple his moist ruby lips together, thus forcing him to drown in his own slobber, sweat, blood and snot?
Feck me, I'm living in a grotesque parody of a Dilbert cartoon
As mentioned by a few others, this thread is pure therapy. I once tried to share it with a US colleague but they couldn't make head nor tail of it which cheered me up immensely for some reason. Anyways, my tale is a little darker than all the noisome individuals previously exposed on here but I do offer three bell-cheeses for the price of one. So here goes ...
BC1 = ex-Army (wanker)
BC2 = ex-Navy (precious, fragile, snide)
BC3 = VP Sales (pig-snout-trough)
BC1 tells me "off the record" that one of my newbies has seriously screwed up a project. But, not to worry, he has covered my arse on this one. BC2 who works for someone else sidles up to me and, "off the record", corroborates BC1's story. This version of events (ex-warriors saving my bacon) gains currency over the next few days and is now the accepted truth in the organisation. The project is some insignificant pile of crap that no one gives a sh1t about except BC3 who thinks it's the stuff of (wet) dreams.
A week later pouty fat breathless sweaty BC3 (the one who slurps, squeaks, dribbles and slops as he waddles past like a senile flatulent bloodhound) lets me know "off the record" that he was at the meeting where it all kicked off and (think Texan accent) "my, they were rough with your guy. Jeez, I felt uncomfortable just being there. It was like watching bullies in the schoolyard. But I gotta tell ya ... your man stood up to 'em good and true. He really went up several notches in ma estimation the way he handled them. Dun't make sense to me why they all wuz picking on 'im but but I reckons BC1 and BC2 were waving their dicks at the foxy lady from the software company. Just thought you should know. You've got a good 'un there and, hey, I'll support you in whaddever you choose to do." Did I mention his wet handshake and the large circles under his arms? It's too late. Newbie is a dead-man walking, poor sod, and will shortly come to know the meaning of 'Kafkaesque'.
As for BC3... What. A. C**T. Will he still support me when I staple his moist ruby lips together, thus forcing him to drown in his own slobber, sweat, blood and snot?
Feck me, I'm living in a grotesque parody of a Dilbert cartoon
m20gull
Well-known member
Definitely true. I have lived 5 minute walk from the office for 10 years and can vouch for this.
tinycowboy
Well-known member
Let's go with that then. Hard to believe that the Asda own brand version can hold a candle to either the original Smiths or M&S version, but can't be definitive at this stage.
This reminds me of when I used to work in McDonalds (don't judge me, it was a summer job when I was 16), some fat mess of a woman would come in and order a large Big Mac meal with a DIET Coke, being really insistent about the DIET part.
Brian Fantana
Well-known member
Textbook fattery.
daveinprague
New member
Absolutely. Many years ago I worked with a girl who must have been 20 stone and looked like Brian Moore, the rugby player. Her lunch - EVERY DAY - was some sort of jumbo baguette slathered in mayo, TWO packs of crisps and a Diet Coke.
Sake.