Bell Cheeses at work

[dazzer6666]

Yay.

"We are delighted to inform you that the ######## Company Conference will be held at ########### on the 21st and 22nd August.

Friday 21st August – Evening only
All employees not attending the brand meetings are expected to arrive in time for the company dinner (timings tbc). Transport will be provided for all teams. Further details on transport, and the programme for the evening will follow.
We are providing accommodation for all attendees at #######. If you do not require a room please let us know asap.

Saturday 22nd August – all day (8.30 – 4pm)
AM – Company conference (schedule tbc) will take place until approx. 1pm. All teams are expected to attend.
Lunch
PM – Team building activities in the afternoon
We expect the day to end by 4pm. Return transport will be provided.

A more detailed programme will follow shortly – in the meantime we would be grateful if you could confirm your attendance directly to...."

A Saturday, in peak holiday season. To do TEAM BUILDING ACTIVITIES.Smart idea. So instead of watching the Albion, you'll be making Lego towers

 

[hans kraay fan club]

A Saturday, in peak holiday season. To do TEAM BUILDING ACTIVITIES.Smart idea. So instead of watching the Albion, you'll be making Lego towers

Not if I can help it!

I've been here a LONG time. I tend to manage to swerve the summer conference (attended by about 300) and if pressed for any kind of showing, drag myself to the Winter one instead which is management only. Only about 80at that, so the budget seems to go much further in terms of accomodation, food and class of team building exercises!

 

[Simster]

Yay.

"We are delighted to inform you that the ######## Company Conference will be held at ########### on the 21st and 22nd August.

Friday 21st August – Evening only
All employees not attending the brand meetings are expected to arrive in time for the company dinner (timings tbc). Transport will be provided for all teams. Further details on transport, and the programme for the evening will follow.
We are providing accommodation for all attendees at #######. If you do not require a room please let us know asap.

Saturday 22nd August – all day (8.30 – 4pm)
AM – Company conference (schedule tbc) will take place until approx. 1pm. All teams are expected to attend.
Lunch
PM – Team building activities in the afternoon
We expect the day to end by 4pm. Return transport will be provided.

A more detailed programme will follow shortly – in the meantime we would be grateful if you could confirm your attendance directly to...."

Bell cheesery at it's absolute finest.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Bell cheesery at it's absolute finest.

Obviously, it goes without saying that the conference venue is 100 miles away, rather than any one of 20 similar country hotels round here.

 

[FamilyGuy]

Yay.

"We are delighted to inform you that the ######## Company Conference will be held at ########### on the 21st and 22nd August.

Friday 21st August – Evening only
All employees not attending the brand meetings are expected to arrive in time for the company dinner (timings tbc). Transport will be provided for all teams. Further details on transport, and the programme for the evening will follow.
We are providing accommodation for all attendees at #######. If you do not require a room please let us know asap.

Saturday 22nd August – all day (8.30 – 4pm)
AM – Company conference (schedule tbc) will take place until approx. 1pm. All teams are expected to attend.
Lunch
PM – Team building activities in the afternoon
We expect the day to end by 4pm. Return transport will be provided.

A more detailed programme will follow shortly – in the meantime we would be grateful if you could confirm your attendance directly to...."

In the late 90's I was invited to attend a non-obligatory Team Building weekend in Snowdonia - in effing February!!! from Friday night to Sunday night.
We were invited to respond to the explanatory email to confirm our attendance - I didn't reply.

On the Friday night that the non-obligatory event started, I was called on my mobile at about 1000pm by my Boss, who in no uncertain terms requested an update on my status and expected time of arrival.

I explained that I wasn't attending.

He enquired as to why?

I said it was non-obligatory, I hadn't accepted the invitation - and besides just a few weeks earlier I had completed a long series of intense Physio for a degenerative back problem.

He of course was extremely understanding, wished me a pleasant weekend and best wishes to my wife and ended the call with a smile and a joke - or in fact it was the complete opposite of that.

He gave me a no-holds-barred expletive-filled b*llocking on the phone (while I was at home in the warm and he was in the snow driven wastes of Snowdonia) for several minutes.

At the end of his tirade I pointed out that you cant force people into being a Team - they either are, or they're not, and I already am - and I invited him to ask anyone I work with as evidence of my Teamery - I thanked him for his understanding and put the phone down........and then I laughed out loud at the sheer stupidity of the man!!!!

Strangely my career didn't progress to well at <IT Company rhymes with Boracle> after that. Interestingly those who went hated the entire experience - but didn't say so to the Boss.

... and I've never attended a Team Building event since then - except for just one where they insisted in teaching us that silly dance that the All Blacks do before they play rugby.

Always good to watch the *rse lickers at these events too - "look at me Sir, I'm involved in everything, I'm a real team player - pat me on the head, notice me, smile .... anything??"

 

[dazzer6666]

In the late 90's I was invited to attend a non-obligatory Team Building weekend in Snowdonia - in effing February!!! from Friday night to Sunday night.
We were invited to respond to the explanatory email to confirm our attendance - I didn't reply.

On the Friday night that the non-obligatory event started, I was called on my mobile at about 1000pm by my Boss, who in no uncertain terms requested an update on my status and expected time of arrival.

I explained that I wasn't attending.

He enquired as to why?

I said it was non-obligatory, I hadn't accepted the invitation - and besides just a few weeks earlier I had completed a long series of intense Physio for a degenerative back problem.

He of course was extremely understanding, wished me a pleasant weekend and best wishes to my wife and ended the call with a smile and a joke - or in fact it was the complete opposite of that.

He gave me a no-holds-barred expletive-filled b*llocking on the phone (while I was at home in the warm and he was in the snow driven wastes of Snowdonia) for several minutes.

At the end of his tirade I pointed out that you cant force people into being a Team - they either are, or they're not, and I already am - and I invited him to ask anyone I work with as evidence of my Teamery - I thanked him for his understanding and put the phone down........and then I laughed out loud at the sheer stupidity of the man!!!!

Strangely my career didn't progress to well at <IT Company rhymes with Boracle> after that. Interestingly those who went hated the entire experience - but didn't say so to the Boss.

... and I've never attended a Team Building event since then - except for just one where they insisted in teaching us that silly dance that the All Blacks do before they play rugby.

Always good to watch the *rse lickers at these events too - "look at me Sir, I'm involved in everything, I'm a real team player - pat me on the head, notice me, smile .... anything??"

Hate these events with a passion, although ironically a few days running up and down mountains in Wales would fine compared with the usual w*nky things we end up doing.

I was on one such event at a nice country hotel and the afternoon team-building event was a business game where we all held various board positions. I had significant (but rational - not really a flounce) disagreement with someone in the first 20 minutes and resigned my 'board position' citing 'irreconcilable differences with the direction this company is taking'. Spent the afternoon lounging in the pool/gym. Got a massive bollocking from my boss before dinner, but when we had the 'feedback session' the following morning the facilitator singled me out to praise me for my honesty and for standing up for my principles. The look on on my bosses face was priceless

 

[Igzilla]

In the late 90's I was invited to attend a non-obligatory Team Building weekend in Snowdonia - in effing February!!! from Friday night to Sunday night.
We were invited to respond to the explanatory email to confirm our attendance - I didn't reply.

On the Friday night that the non-obligatory event started, I was called on my mobile at about 1000pm by my Boss, who in no uncertain terms requested an update on my status and expected time of arrival.

I explained that I wasn't attending.

He enquired as to why?

I said it was non-obligatory, I hadn't accepted the invitation - and besides just a few weeks earlier I had completed a long series of intense Physio for a degenerative back problem.

He of course was extremely understanding, wished me a pleasant weekend and best wishes to my wife and ended the call with a smile and a joke - or in fact it was the complete opposite of that.

He gave me a no-holds-barred expletive-filled b*llocking on the phone (while I was at home in the warm and he was in the snow driven wastes of Snowdonia) for several minutes.

At the end of his tirade I pointed out that you cant force people into being a Team - they either are, or they're not, and I already am - and I invited him to ask anyone I work with as evidence of my Teamery - I thanked him for his understanding and put the phone down........and then I laughed out loud at the sheer stupidity of the man!!!!

Strangely my career didn't progress to well at <IT Company rhymes with Boracle> after that. Interestingly those who went hated the entire experience - but didn't say so to the Boss.

... and I've never attended a Team Building event since then - except for just one where they insisted in teaching us that silly dance that the All Blacks do before they play rugby.

Always good to watch the *rse lickers at these events too - "look at me Sir, I'm involved in everything, I'm a real team player - pat me on the head, notice me, smile .... anything??"

You've done that as well? I hate rugby.

 

[Cian]

Obviously, it goes without saying that the conference venue is 100 miles away, rather than any one of 20 similar country hotels round here.

I had an even worse haul in my last place - well over 200 miles away. Apparently having it near the office would "reduce the effectiveness"

One manager, not one of mine thankfully, cribbed that I "wasn't a team player" for taking a domestic flight and a hire car rather than the chartered bus from the office down. Which I expensed. It was either that or I took a half day in lieu for the longer drive time.

After that, only the sales team ever got hauled on them because they ran on bollox, basically.

 

[Dave the OAP]

Every year the top sales people who achieved well over their targets get invited to a jolly in Mexico or some exotic place and also the CEO invites a couple of people he wants to go with him. It's a good do seemly but full of Americans telling everyone how brilliant they are.

The sales lot have a couple of incentive...why do sales people need incentives!!!..its your fecking jobs! ...days and they go to Cyprus or somewhere hot...anyway a couple of years ago there was a hell of a stink when they all ended up playing naked pool in the hotel. Sure enough loads of twattish HR mails about representing the company etc...especially as we are an US company. Oh yes, we are not allowed " banter" or inappropriate behaviour in any gatherings after work of our colleagues..Some woman complained that she was offended on behalf of one of her female colleagues who was the subject of conversation about her enormous norks! She was loving it, and giving back as much as she was getting but this other woman complained to HR that she was being victimised due to the size of her chest. She didn't even agree with her, but was forced to accept HR's action to discipline everyone who took part. Obviously as there were loads of people there they couldn't identify who the culprits were so it led to more stupid purile emails about equality and respect.

 

[Lower West Stander]

We've got our "summer update" tomorrow.

Presentation by various board members followed by lots of games where we will be split into various teams at a nearby park.

Older members of staff (such as me), never even contemplate going to the games bit. It is gut wrenchingly awful and you run the risk of making apart of yourself in front of the boss if you have one to many of the free booze on offer.

So what tends to happen is that it is only attended by the various secretaries and junior members of staff who think the whole thing is fantastic fun. These people them do absolutely no work next as they discuss all the wild and wacky things that happened during the touch rugby game etc etc. They just can't understand why everyone didn't want to go to see Jane from IT trip up with the try line at her mercy.

The rest of us just get on with our work feeling superior

 

[Bodian]

I think I'm suffering the curse of the Employee Opinion Survey..

One happened several weeks ago, and the results came out. There's now got to be a action plan created on where the results were down (so we get more work, even though we complained).

Then some people ticked the box that they didn't agree that the business took bullying and harrassment seriously, so now its meetings and conference calls were "we" need to reflect on how we are prepared to do things differently in the future.

Its going to be painfull......

We recently had our annual staff survey. The Directors were seemingly quite shocked to find that staff's morale was down just after a lengthy, drawn-out, and painful restructure where many of our best staff left - and where our new motto is 'do more with less'.

So - the result is that we are employing expensive consultants - who have been given the very difficult (!) task of finding out why our morale is low. From the blurb they have given us, it looks as though it will be a painful morning. Apparently we will be using the 'clean language technique' to discuss things - and our metaphors will be captured by a graphic artist.

We have already come up with some metaphors for them to capture......

 

[Norman Potting]

We recently had our annual staff survey. The Directors were seemingly quite shocked to find that staff's morale was down just after a lengthy, drawn-out, and painful restructure where many of our best staff left - and where our new motto is 'do more with less'.

So - the result is that we are employing expensive consultants - who have been given the very difficult (!) task of finding out why our morale is low. From the blurb they have given us, it looks as though it will be a painful morning. Apparently we will be using the 'clean language technique' to discuss things - and our metaphors will be captured by a graphic artist.

We have already come up with some metaphors for them to capture......

Cannot wait for the next instalment of this and will be stocking up on Pringles in anticipation.

 

[The Rattler]

Received an email today - sent to several hundred people - asking to choose Christmas party location from choice of two venues. Simply had to select button for choice.

Email deleted immediately.

Half hour later some prune emails back - having selected 'Reply to all' - giving his preference. Div.

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

I'd been to quite a few team building days in the UK and all of them were toe curlingly embarrassing. So when I was working for Intel in Portland, Oregon and got the dreaded e mail I wasn't holding my breath. But have to say it was surprisingly good. Their HR department knew there would be a mix of Brits and Americans so they asked the Yanks to pick two American games and the Brits to pick two British sports. They would find a sports center that could be used for everything and provide the equipment. We chose 5 a side and cricket, they went for baseball and basketball. It was all done in normal work hours, they bussed as there and provided a free bar and barbecue after. The games went well and were very competitive, most people appreciated that the company had put a bit of effort into providing something a bit different and were able to relax and get to know one another.

 

[Napper]

I'd been to quite a few team building days in the UK and all of them were toe curlingly embarrassing. So when I was working for Intel in Portland, Oregon and got the dreaded e mail I wasn't holding my breath. But have to say it was surprisingly good. Their HR department knew there would be a mix of Brits and Americans so they asked the Yanks to pick two American games and the Brits to pick two British sports. They would find a sports center that could be used for everything and provide the equipment. We chose 5 a side and cricket, they went for baseball and basketball. It was all done in normal work hours, they bussed as there and provided a free bar and barbecue after. The games went well and were very competitive, most people appreciated that the company had put a bit of effort into providing something a bit different and were able to relax and get to know one another.

Who won the games ?

 

[dazzer6666]

Received an email today - sent to several hundred people - asking to choose Christmas party location from choice of two venues. Simply had to select button for choice.

Email deleted immediately.

Half hour later some prune emails back - having selected 'Reply to all' - giving his preference. Div.

Ah, the 'reply all' button. Is there anything more annoying ? Worst of all is when someone uses a 'global' email address list by mistake, and everyone starts 'replying all' saying they have had the email by mistake, then people start 'replying all' asking everyone not to 'reply all'. Don't you see what you just did you moron !!

 

[Badger]

I've already e-mailed my boss, "Sorry, but have a night away planned, and tickets for the whole family booked for a sporting event on the Saturday"

(Cardiff at home, innit)

Awaiting a response...

Not only that, it's the FINAL Ashes test, you can't miss that for a weekend of utter F**KWITTERY.

Ah, the 'reply all' button. Is there anything more annoying ? Worst of all is when someone uses a 'global' email address list by mistake, and everyone starts 'replying all' saying they have had the email by mistake, then people start 'replying all' asking everyone not to 'reply all'. Don't you see what you just did you moron !!

I always think there should be some kind of IQ test to determine whether you're allowed to have a "Reply All" button.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

We recently had our annual staff survey. The Directors were seemingly quite shocked to find that staff's morale was down just after a lengthy, drawn-out, and painful restructure where many of our best staff left - and where our new motto is 'do more with less'.

So - the result is that we are employing expensive consultants - who have been given the very difficult (!) task of finding out why our morale is low. From the blurb they have given us, it looks as though it will be a painful morning. Apparently we will be using the 'clean language technique' to discuss things - and our metaphors will be captured by a graphic artist.

We have already come up with some metaphors for them to capture......

You're surely making this up?

I've endured some utterly awful company 'events'/team building sessions but can honestly say that I've never heard of something like that before.

Then again, you're talking about consultants, so I suppose nothing is off limits in the eternal challenge to come up with ever more ludicrous things to charge people for.

 

[Gwylan]

You're surely making this up?

I've endured some utterly awful company 'events'/team building sessions but can honestly say that I've never heard of something like that before.

Then again, you're talking about consultants, so I suppose nothing is off limits in the eternal challenge to come up with ever more ludicrous things to charge people for.

Oh, I've been to one of those. It was a roundtable discussion where nothing was "off limits" and a graphic artist would capture everything we say. There was a whole wall covered with stupid drawings by the end of the day

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

Oh, I've been to one of those. It was a roundtable discussion where nothing was "off limits" and a graphic artist would capture everything we say. There was a whole wall covered with stupid drawings by the end of the day

Are you serious? Is this actually a profession? Drawing people's thoughts on a flipchart? Wow. I'm in the wrong job.