Bell Cheeses at work

[dazzer6666]

I reckon we print more than ever before. In the 'good old days' you wrote a report once - and that was it. Now, there are drafts, redrafts, re-redrafts and so on - most of which are printed because despite advances in technology I think the majority of us still find it easier to read detail and proof read things if they are actually on paper. And because of email, these drafts and stuff are often sent to dozens of people, all of whom print them out! Also, the ease of generating documents with pictures, diagrams, and so on, just means that everything is wordier and longer than before. Hence yet more printing.

Spot on. When I worked at Lloyds Bank in the 1980s there was a lot of chatter and excitement about the 'paperless office' we were all heading towards at great speed. More than 30 years on, the amount of paper used now is vastly more.........................

 

[Brian Fantana]

The f*****g Bake Off NONSENSE has started already in our office - this year incorporating a QUIZ, which costs FIVE POUNDS to enter and features a series of bullshit questions that no one possibly could know the answer to. Given the fact that a proportion of the proceeds raised from said quiz are going to charity, virtually everyone in the office has been guilted into taking part.

If this horseshit wasn't enough to deal with, there's now a certain demographic of the office starting to chuck in Bake Off puns at every available opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love puns as much as the next man, but if one more person shoehorns a 'soggy bottom' into a conversation then I'm not going to be responsible for my actions.

Unfortunately even the puns have been surpassed by something so pure in its bellcheesery that I'm not even sure a scale has been developed on which this cretinous bollocks can find a suitable place. At our monthly team meeting, there are always a few 'awards' given out for going above and beyond, completing important projects and so forth. It's fairly harmless, and generally takes the form of some vouchers or event tickets or something. However, as a nod to the Bake Off, our Director has now decided that the vouchers will be accompanied by a 'Hollywood handshake', only reserved for someone who has done something really special.

 

[WhingForPresident]

Typical cringe bullshit has been going on here in deepest darkest Hampshire since I last checked in:

Twats trying to do this Dele Alli hand thing (in the loudest, most obnoxious way possible, obviously) and acting as if they're ****ing gods. Cringey twats.

Prick with the shitty loud ringtones going off at least once every 10 minutes still going strong. Moving to the other side of the office has made no difference.

Jobsworth in the cafeteria not letting me use stamps from two loyalty cards to get a free coffee (some will probably disagree with me there, but I already asked someone else in the cafeteria staff about it and she said it was acceptable).

Multiple people being signed off with 'stress' because they can't be arsed to come in at particularly difficult times, leaving everyone else in the shit, then strolling back in as if they've never been away as soon as the things they don't want to do have been done.

Standard stuff.

 

[pearl]

I don't know people's opinions on anonymous, passive aggressive notes but I'm really getting peed off with the number of Post-it or A4 notices sprining up at my workplace.

- Telling people not to run away from a printer jam
- Telling people to recycle sheets of paper instead of abandoning them next to the printer
- Don't throw coffee grounds down the sink
- Don't take food that's not yours from the fridge
- Multiple notices about keeping the kitchen worktop clean (Including one entitled: "Oi, you dirty rascals...", complete with a ****ing picture of Tinkerbell and concluding with the sentence "You might think there's a washing-up fairy, but There ISN'T!!")

Handwritten notices are bad enough, but it's the A4 type-up ones with WordArt and COMIC SANS font that gets to me.

Problem is it's a tricky situation: all of the above offences are annoying in their own right, but I just get so wound up about the do-gooders and bossy-boots creating these memos of malcontent. Am I alone here or is this a widely-held irritation?

OMG! How do people like that exist out in the REAL world?!

 

[BBassic]

I don't know people's opinions on anonymous, passive aggressive notes but I'm really getting peed off with the number of Post-it or A4 notices sprining up at my workplace.

- Telling people not to run away from a printer jam
- Telling people to recycle sheets of paper instead of abandoning them next to the printer
- Don't throw coffee grounds down the sink
- Don't take food that's not yours from the fridge
- Multiple notices about keeping the kitchen worktop clean (Including one entitled: "Oi, you dirty rascals...", complete with a ****ing picture of Tinkerbell and concluding with the sentence "You might think there's a washing-up fairy, but There ISN'T!!")

Handwritten notices are bad enough, but it's the A4 type-up ones with WordArt and COMIC SANS font that gets to me.

Problem is it's a tricky situation: all of the above offences are annoying in their own right, but I just get so wound up about the do-gooders and bossy-boots creating these memos of malcontent. Am I alone here or is this a widely-held irritation?

You are most certainly not alone.

 

[MattBackHome]

...our Director has now decided that the vouchers will be accompanied by a 'Hollywood handshake', only reserved for someone who has done something really special.

Absolutely beautiful bellcheesery.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Absolutely beautiful bellcheesery.

Agreed. This is what this thread is all about. Who actually sits in their office and thinks "I know, what will really motivate everyone is the chance of a handshake with me, dubiously named after a celebrity bread maker".

Extraordinary. But funny.

 

[MattBackHome]

Agreed. This is what this thread is all about. Who actually sits in their office and thinks "I know, what will really motivate everyone is the chance of a handshake with me, dubiously named after a celebrity bread maker".

Extraordinary. But funny.

I really hope he turns up his shirt cuff to add depth to the hilarious ironic Hollywoodian parody. Or at the very least assumes the spread legs, thumbs in pockets stance. And says "Good Bake". [MENTION=5238]Brian Fantana[/MENTION]?

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

I'm really pissed off at having to scope everything out, why the **** can't I just look at it.

 

[Brian Fantana]

I really hope he turns up his shirt cuff to add depth to the hilarious ironic Hollywoodian parody. Or at the very least assumes the spread legs, thumbs in pockets stance. And says "Good Bake". [MENTION=5238]Brian Fantana[/MENTION]?

Don't joke. This is exactly the sort of shit he will lap up.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Absolutely beautiful bellcheesery.

I don't know whether to be angry or impressed with him. He may actually have achieved Bell Cheese Nirvana (BCN from now on).

 

[Bodian]

I'm really pissed off at having to scope everything out, why the **** can't I just look at it.

Don't worry, I was asked to "facilitate the optioneering process" last week!

 

[Baldseagull]

The f*****g Bake Off NONSENSE has started already in our office - this year incorporating a QUIZ, which costs FIVE POUNDS to enter and features a series of bullshit questions that no one possibly could know the answer to. Given the fact that a proportion of the proceeds raised from said quiz are going to charity, virtually everyone in the office has been guilted into taking part.

If this horseshit wasn't enough to deal with, there's now a certain demographic of the office starting to chuck in Bake Off puns at every available opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love puns as much as the next man, but if one more person shoehorns a 'soggy bottom' into a conversation then I'm not going to be responsible for my actions.

Unfortunately even the puns have been surpassed by something so pure in its bellcheesery that I'm not even sure a scale has been developed on which this cretinous bollocks can find a suitable place. At our monthly team meeting, there are always a few 'awards' given out for going above and beyond, completing important projects and so forth. It's fairly harmless, and generally takes the form of some vouchers or event tickets or something. However, as a nod to the Bake Off, our Director has now decided that the vouchers will be accompanied by a 'Hollywood handshake', only reserved for someone who has done something really special.

What is a Hollywood handshake? Sounds like a dubious casting couch practice.

 

[Barham's tash]

What is a Hollywood handshake? Sounds like a dubious casting couch practice.

By the state of his hair one might assume it involves some kind of reverse participation as well.

*glazedlikeadecoratorsradio*

Yuk.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Baldseagull]

By the state of his hair one might assume it involves some kind of reverse participation as well.

*glazedlikeadecoratorsradio*

Yuk.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think I have it now, Google does give two answers though, so the boss perhaps ought to avoid cinema tickets as a reward. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hollywood Handshake

 

[happypig]

- Multiple notices about keeping the kitchen worktop clean (Including one entitled: "Oi, you dirty rascals...", complete with a ****ing picture of Tinkerbell and concluding with the sentence "You might think there's a washing-up fairy, but There ISN'T!!")

This reminds me of some reverse-bell-cheesery employed by a colleague many years ago. To say he didn't suffer fools gladly was an understatement in the extreme. Let's call him Terry.
There was a couple of people on a different team who used to leave their washing up in the sink after lunch much to other peoples' annoyance. Evenutually, before home time, one of them would usually do it but sometimes it got left overnight.
One Friday Terry and I were on a late shift and the sink was full of washing up. Terry's turn to make a brew and from the kitchen I heard "FILTHY F*CKING SCUM. I'VE HAD ENOUGH" followed by a load of clattering. A few minutes later, Terry returned with two mugs of tea and we carried on.
When we left to go home I noticed that all the plates, mugs, saucepans and cutlery were in the skip outside.

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

The f*****g Bake Off NONSENSE has started already in our office - this year incorporating a QUIZ, which costs FIVE POUNDS to enter and features a series of bullshit questions that no one possibly could know the answer to. Given the fact that a proportion of the proceeds raised from said quiz are going to charity, virtually everyone in the office has been guilted into taking part.

If this horseshit wasn't enough to deal with, there's now a certain demographic of the office starting to chuck in Bake Off puns at every available opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love puns as much as the next man, but if one more person shoehorns a 'soggy bottom' into a conversation then I'm not going to be responsible for my actions.

Unfortunately even the puns have been surpassed by something so pure in its bellcheesery that I'm not even sure a scale has been developed on which this cretinous bollocks can find a suitable place. At our monthly team meeting, there are always a few 'awards' given out for going above and beyond, completing important projects and so forth. It's fairly harmless, and generally takes the form of some vouchers or event tickets or something. However, as a nod to the Bake Off, our Director has now decided that the vouchers will be accompanied by a 'Hollywood handshake', only reserved for someone who has done something really special.

If a HOLLYWOOD ****ing HANDSHAKE isn't 100%, Grade A Bellcheesery then I don't know what is.

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

This reminds me of some reverse-bell-cheesery employed by a colleague many years ago. To say he didn't suffer fools gladly was an understatement in the extreme. Let's call him Terry.
There was a couple of people on a different team who used to leave their washing up in the sink after lunch much to other peoples' annoyance. Evenutually, before home time, one of them would usually do it but sometimes it got left overnight.
One Friday Terry and I were on a late shift and the sink was full of washing up. Terry's turn to make a brew and from the kitchen I heard "FILTHY F*CKING SCUM. I'VE HAD ENOUGH" followed by a load of clattering. A few minutes later, Terry returned with two mugs of tea and we carried on.
When we left to go home I noticed that all the plates, mugs, saucepans and cutlery were in the skip outside.

I worked somewhere years ago where the boss's Wife regularly visited and moaned about plates in the sink and in a fit of rage she removed all of the plates, cups etc and said we had to use our own. Fast forward about two months and she's in "sink rage" again and threw everyone's plates and cups in the bin.

I failed to hide my joy some months later when the boss's rather tasty PA announced the boss was getting divorced from Mrs Boss .... and, you've guessed it, a few weeks after that the same PA announced that she was the new Mrs Boss in waiting!

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

Can anyone tell me why I have to wait for the current "scrum" to be completed until I can tweak some development? Scrum, why?

 

[Norman Potting]

Spot on. When I worked at Lloyds Bank in the 1980s there was a lot of chatter and excitement about the 'paperless office' we were all heading towards at great speed. More than 30 years on, the amount of paper used now is vastly more.........................

Fond memories of the "BIT" project. Still surprises me that, when I joined Lloyds in the mid '70's the accounting processes were all "on line" but when I left some 15 years later they were still playing "catch up" to get customer information away from 5" x 3" cards and on to screens!