Bell Cheeses at work

[dazzer6666]

Fond memories of the "BIT" project. Still surprises me that, when I joined Lloyds in the mid '70's the accounting processes were all "on line" but when I left some 15 years later they were still playing "catch up" to get customer information away from 5" x 3" cards and on to screens!

Ah yes, had forgotten about that........we'll all have everything we need on screen at our fingertips...........meanwhile, keep the PM cards because you'll be using them a lot Joke at the time was it was called BIT because everyone was going to have a bit. Oh how we laughed.

 

[FatSuperman]

Guess what said CJT hadn’t factored in? The unit cost for having it centrally produced and sent by DHL to our building was about $35 ��[emoji85]
Cue a tripling of centrally supplied/allocated costs. Wonderful.

Reminds me of the time I worked for a healthcare company (aka gym chain). Some guy was tasked with reducing telecomms spend, so he set up 0845 national-rate numbers for all of the gyms (about 70 of them), and told the entire company that all letterhead and info about the gyms should carry only these numbers. And that all calls to those gyms should be from the non-geographic 0845 numbers. Upon receiving the very confusing comms, I contacted him right away to say that internal calls from head office or other gyms should surely use the normal numbers. We disagreed - his point was that we'd earn a kick back from the calls, my point was that the bill for making the call would be far higher than the pittance you get back.

Needless to say, the bill the following month was about 10 times higher than usual.

 

[beorhthelm]

Can anyone tell me why I have to wait for the current "scrum" to be completed until I can tweak some development? Scrum, why?

because someone is doing it wrong, you have to wait for the sprint to finish.

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

because someone is doing it wrong, you have to wait for the sprint to finish.

 

[Notters]

The f*****g Bake Off NONSENSE has started already in our office - this year incorporating a QUIZ, which costs FIVE POUNDS to enter and features a series of bullshit questions that no one possibly could know the answer to. Given the fact that a proportion of the proceeds raised from said quiz are going to charity, virtually everyone in the office has been guilted into taking part.

If this horseshit wasn't enough to deal with, there's now a certain demographic of the office starting to chuck in Bake Off puns at every available opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love puns as much as the next man, but if one more person shoehorns a 'soggy bottom' into a conversation then I'm not going to be responsible for my actions.

Unfortunately even the puns have been surpassed by something so pure in its bellcheesery that I'm not even sure a scale has been developed on which this cretinous bollocks can find a suitable place. At our monthly team meeting, there are always a few 'awards' given out for going above and beyond, completing important projects and so forth. It's fairly harmless, and generally takes the form of some vouchers or event tickets or something. However, as a nod to the Bake Off, our Director has now decided that the vouchers will be accompanied by a 'Hollywood handshake', only reserved for someone who has done something really special.

The new series hasn't even started yet, you'll be in for it next week.

 

[WATFORD zero]

The f*****g Bake Off NONSENSE has started already in our office - this year incorporating a QUIZ, which costs FIVE POUNDS to enter and features a series of bullshit questions that no one possibly could know the answer to. Given the fact that a proportion of the proceeds raised from said quiz are going to charity, virtually everyone in the office has been guilted into taking part.

If this horseshit wasn't enough to deal with, there's now a certain demographic of the office starting to chuck in Bake Off puns at every available opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love puns as much as the next man, but if one more person shoehorns a 'soggy bottom' into a conversation then I'm not going to be responsible for my actions.

Unfortunately even the puns have been surpassed by something so pure in its bellcheesery that I'm not even sure a scale has been developed on which this cretinous bollocks can find a suitable place. At our monthly team meeting, there are always a few 'awards' given out for going above and beyond, completing important projects and so forth. It's fairly harmless, and generally takes the form of some vouchers or event tickets or something. However, as a nod to the Bake Off, our Director has now decided that the vouchers will be accompanied by a 'Hollywood handshake', only reserved for someone who has done something really special.

[MENTION=5238]Brian Fantana[/MENTION]

You HAVE to print this out and leave it on his desk. Then see who he wants to give a Hollywood Handshake to

I think I have it now, Google does give two answers though, so the boss perhaps ought to avoid cinema tickets as a reward. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hollywood Handshake

 

[Juan Albion]

Reminds me of the time I worked for a healthcare company (aka gym chain). Some guy was tasked with reducing telecomms spend, so he set up 0845 national-rate numbers for all of the gyms (about 70 of them), and told the entire company that all letterhead and info about the gyms should carry only these numbers. And that all calls to those gyms should be from the non-geographic 0845 numbers. Upon receiving the very confusing comms, I contacted him right away to say that internal calls from head office or other gyms should surely use the normal numbers. We disagreed - his point was that we'd earn a kick back from the calls, my point was that the bill for making the call would be far higher than the pittance you get back.

Needless to say, the bill the following month was about 10 times higher than usual.

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

This reminds me of some reverse-bell-cheesery employed by a colleague many years ago. To say he didn't suffer fools gladly was an understatement in the extreme. Let's call him Terry.
There was a couple of people on a different team who used to leave their washing up in the sink after lunch much to other peoples' annoyance. Evenutually, before home time, one of them would usually do it but sometimes it got left overnight.
One Friday Terry and I were on a late shift and the sink was full of washing up. Terry's turn to make a brew and from the kitchen I heard "FILTHY F*CKING SCUM. I'VE HAD ENOUGH" followed by a load of clattering. A few minutes later, Terry returned with two mugs of tea and we carried on.
When we left to go home I noticed that all the plates, mugs, saucepans and cutlery were in the skip outside.

Top work by Terry.

All these office dwellers have **** all to do all day other than inform people of their own importance they could at least clear their shit up.

 

[TheJasperCo]

I know there's a group of people in my workplace backstabbing me. One of them has wrongly accused me of pinching his office supplies. He thinks he's Billy big-bollocks and has a little circumstantial evidence but no actual proof (which he won't find because - hey - I didn't touch his stuff).

I'm angry at being falsely blamed, but I'm not the kind of person to inflame tensions. How should I proceed? Bitch & whine, or act pleasant and charming?

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

I know there's a group of people in my workplace backstabbing me. One of them has wrongly accused me of pinching his office supplies. He thinks he's Billy big-bollocks and has a little circumstantial evidence but no actual proof (which he won't find because - hey - I didn't touch his stuff).

I'm angry at being falsely blamed, but I'm not the kind of person to inflame tensions. How should I proceed? Bitch & whine, or act pleasant and charming?

Are we talking paper clips etc?

 

[DavidRyder]

I know there's a group of people in my workplace backstabbing me. One of them has wrongly accused me of pinching his office supplies. He thinks he's Billy big-bollocks and has a little circumstantial evidence but no actual proof (which he won't find because - hey - I didn't touch his stuff).

I'm angry at being falsely blamed, but I'm not the kind of person to inflame tensions. How should I proceed? Bitch & whine, or act pleasant and charming?

It's up to them to prove your guilt, not for you to prove your innocence. Try and ignore anything they do. Not nice though when things like this happen. Some people continue the playground bully mentality through life unfortunately, like this dullard who seems to have a 'gang'.

 

[crabface]

I have been doing a lot of work recently with our accounts department, every email contains either the phrase "That is noted" or "I attach for your consideration".

Does every accounts department, use such Bell Cheese phrases?

 

[TheJasperCo]

Are we talking paper clips etc?

Technically, laboratory supplies. Specifically, a plastic flask.

 

[TheJasperCo]

It's up to them to prove your guilt, not for you to prove your innocence. Try and ignore anything they do. Not nice though when things like this happen. Some people continue the playground bully mentality through life unfortunately, like this dullard who seems to have a 'gang'.

All true enough, it's the fact that they all have Snapchat and are prolific social media users. They have a little clique, about four or five of them.I can tell when they're typing angrily away on their PCs - they're not hard at work, they're messaging each other. Even though they sit in front of one another. I shit you not.

I've actually got along really well with this guy, he's a typically brash and loud Brummie - funny, usually really friendly. He seems to have got a bee in his bonnet though over this in particular.

 

[Badger]

I have been doing a lot of work recently with our accounts department, every email contains either the phrase "That is noted" or "I attach for your consideration".

Does every accounts department, use such Bell Cheese phrases?

The Guardian had a whole article about Bell Cheese email phrases yesterday.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/shortcuts/2018/aug/27/re-attaching-for-convenience-passive-aggressive-email-phrases-poll

 

[dazzer6666]

I have been doing a lot of work recently with our accounts department, every email contains either the phrase "That is noted" or "I attach for your consideration".

Does every accounts department, use such Bell Cheese phrases?

Yes. They're not as bad as Operational Risk departments though.

Worse than both, I was almost tipped over the edge into sending a 'meeting with HR' response to an email recently. Some Project Management (it's almost always them) BC had obviously put a 'read receipt' on an email sent to me. The email was tosh and I'd no need or plan to respond any time soon, but a few hours later I got another email saying 'thank you for taking the trouble to read the email I sent you earlier........blah blah.....when can I expect a reply......'

Yes. YOUR email is the ONLY thing on my mind at the MOMENT. I'll drop literally EVERYTHING else and reply IMMEDIATELY. ****.

Then, last week in a similar vein I'd 'tentatively accepted' a meeting request, and indicated on the reply why I couldn't commit to attending at that point. Sure enough, not 5 mins later I get a 'I notice you've only tentatively accepted my recent meeting invite, please confirm whether or not you will be attending'

**** OFF !

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

Technically, laboratory supplies. Specifically, a plastic flask.

I wasn't being flippant it's just that some are so protective over very same items, pathetic really

But FLASK oh dear that opens a whole new (or old) debate. He is treading a dodgy path.

 

[LlcoolJ]

Technically, laboratory supplies. Specifically, a plastic flask.

Maybe they think you're a terrorist.

 

[pearl]

Technically, laboratory supplies. Specifically, a plastic flask.[/QUOTE]

Are you going to the Fulham match?

 

[Easy 10]

There's a consultant here who sometimes has a question for the Financial Controller, who sits a few desks away from me.

Every time he comes in to ask him something, he pauses and says: "May I approach the bench ?". I thought nothing of it the first couple of times. But now he says it every. time.

Its not quite weapons grade bellcheesery I suppose, but I'm finding it difficult to suppress a weary sigh now.