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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
Blackadder
Brighton Bhuna Boy
No I found it funny.............
The first time I heard it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first time I heard it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dover
Home at Last.
The new rooster oes into the chicken coop, starut up to the old rooster and says "I'm the new guy, off you go.
The old boy replys. "Can't I just look after the older chickens, like Laura & Clara over there. I roll eggs to their perches, so they don't get killed.
Young rooster. "No off you go, old boy. You know how it is. I even suspect you did the same."
"No actually. I came in and got challenged to a three lap race around the yard."
"OK. I'm up for that. I'll tell you what i'll even give you half a lap head start.
So he chickens all go outand cheer on for the old boy. On the second lap the farmer on hearing all the comotion, raises his shotgun and shoots the young rooster.
He then says "That's the last rooster I buy from that market. It's that third queer one i've brought this year."
The old boy replys. "Can't I just look after the older chickens, like Laura & Clara over there. I roll eggs to their perches, so they don't get killed.
Young rooster. "No off you go, old boy. You know how it is. I even suspect you did the same."
"No actually. I came in and got challenged to a three lap race around the yard."
"OK. I'm up for that. I'll tell you what i'll even give you half a lap head start.
So he chickens all go outand cheer on for the old boy. On the second lap the farmer on hearing all the comotion, raises his shotgun and shoots the young rooster.
He then says "That's the last rooster I buy from that market. It's that third queer one i've brought this year."
Donny Osmond
New member
- Jul 6, 2003
- 618
Whats the differance between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One is made of plastic and a risk to kids.
The other carries your groceries.
One is made of plastic and a risk to kids.
The other carries your groceries.
driddles
Well-known member
Thursdays joke of the day
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Juan Albion
Chicken Sniffer 3rd Class
Tee hee. Very good. Even though it is only Wednesday here.
bigfanofcullip
New member
- Aug 12, 2003
- 101
Works well as a best man gag - having used it myself at a mate's wedding.
Just start it:
"On the way to the wedding (insert name) asked me to stop off at Boots ..... blah blah blah.
Funny gag
Just start it:
"On the way to the wedding (insert name) asked me to stop off at Boots ..... blah blah blah.
Funny gag
Joke
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:
"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.
As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again.
"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.
Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:
"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Jerry laughed.
"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:
"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.
As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again.
"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.
Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:
"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Jerry laughed.
"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
MRRF 10
New member
bhaexpress
New member
Old joke yes, vast improvement of post quality though.
While filming 'stars in your eyes' Mathew Kelly introduces the next contestant.
From behind the screen, & through the smoke the contestant appears.
He comes down the stairs on cruches.
Mathew "so what's your name"
Guest "simon"
Mathew "So simon do u wanna tell us why your on cruches"
Simon "if I can, it's still very emotional"
Mathew (looking concerned) "please continue"
Simon "well I was in a major car accident with my uncle, he is the last remaining member of my family". "While cutting us out of the wreckage both my legs had to be amputated".
Mathew (holding back the tears) "what happened to your uncle"
Simon "he died on the way to hospital". "The reason why I'm on crutches is because the surgeon opperating on me removed his legs & transplanted them onto me".
Mathew (now in floods of tears) "So simon after all of this you still wanted to come onto the show"
Simon (also crying) "it was my uncles dream for me".
Mathew "well simon make those dreams come true". "who r you going to be for us tonight"
Simon "well Mathew tonight I'm going to be..................."
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................ simon & half uncle.
There's a coat around here somewhere, with my name on it.
From behind the screen, & through the smoke the contestant appears.
He comes down the stairs on cruches.
Mathew "so what's your name"
Guest "simon"
Mathew "So simon do u wanna tell us why your on cruches"
Simon "if I can, it's still very emotional"
Mathew (looking concerned) "please continue"
Simon "well I was in a major car accident with my uncle, he is the last remaining member of my family". "While cutting us out of the wreckage both my legs had to be amputated".
Mathew (holding back the tears) "what happened to your uncle"
Simon "he died on the way to hospital". "The reason why I'm on crutches is because the surgeon opperating on me removed his legs & transplanted them onto me".
Mathew (now in floods of tears) "So simon after all of this you still wanted to come onto the show"
Simon (also crying) "it was my uncles dream for me".
Mathew "well simon make those dreams come true". "who r you going to be for us tonight"
Simon "well Mathew tonight I'm going to be..................."
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................ simon & half uncle.
There's a coat around here somewhere, with my name on it.
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries they had performed
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago, a cowboy who was high on cocaine
and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work
with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's
president of the United States."
discussing surgeries they had performed
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago, a cowboy who was high on cocaine
and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work
with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's
president of the United States."
Lammy
Registered Abuser
Let's raise the tone again....
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
……………………………………………………………………..
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
……………………………………………………………………..
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Juan Albion
Chicken Sniffer 3rd Class
bhafc4eva said:What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for christmas?
cancer
Yup, that's bloody funny to all of us who know/have lost people with cancer.
