[Misc] Just some stuff I need to express somewhere...

Han Solo said:

I don't want to steal time and resources from those who really need it.

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Motogull said:

Keep your pecker up @Han Solo.

If you want a human to speak why not call a funeral director. I bet you won't be the first and they will give you all the practical pointers you need.

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Han Solo said:

Thanks all, very warming and some very useful advice, including @Tom Hark Preston Park finding a nice summary of the funeral complexities (from my googling I had mainly found "Heres a list of the 2498 first things you need to do when someone dies").

A bit too tired now to respond to people but read it all and felt very warm and you know... motivated to 1. take a bit more control of the situation and 2. ride this out without destroying myself.

Dad was in a good mood today, best so far since the day he heard the cancer was terminal. He's an ugly motherfucker now, less than 50 kilos and all his teeth gone due to the chemoteraphy a few months ago, but plenty of gurgling laughters and toothless smiles today at least.

A lot of relatives that I've barely heard of coming to visit him this weekend to give their farewells. I'm going to be there as well. Don't know half of them - only meet them at funerals really - but by the looks of it, some of them seem like perfectly reasonable people from planet Earth - hopefully they can help me sort out a thing or two.

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Cotton Socks said:

Just because you think you don't 'feel' anything at the time, doesn't mean it won't hit you like a truck later. I said on here a couple of months ago how I was completely numb to my mum dying. It's 3 months later, a funeral after a month & a party weeks after the funeral & I have completely carried on as if nothing has happened & we were really close.
I don't smoke weed & cry watching films, my brain cannot compute this though, even if I do look like I don't give a shit. I feel guilty as I'm sure I should have been crying for the last 3 months. A line in a song completely floored me the other day, I wasn't somewhere that I could let the tears drop though. I think I've put it in a 'to do' list when I next hear the song in a suitable place (yes I could put it on now but I don't want to). Doesn't mean I don't love her and miss her insanely though.

I reckon there's probably some kind of thing over there where you won't have to take your own shovel. You don't actually have to do anything until it actually happens though. Talk to your Dad & see if he has any 'ideas' about what he'd like but if he says a massive funeral with a gold casket and 7 stretch limo's, don't feel bad that it isn't going to happen.

Don't feel bad for whatever you do or don't feel when the inevitable happens. There is no wrong or right way. I've become 'Proper British' these last few months. I can 'Keep Calm & Carry on' & have a 'stiff upper lip'.

Is there someone you can appeal to, to get help again with your rent etc?
Look after yourself & thank you for posting that.

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Gabbiano said:

Sorry to hear of your situation, and thank you for sharing that, in itself that's no easy thing.

Regarding the specific processes of the Swedish system, I can't help. Are you a member of any other Swedish online communities that might have more knowledge?

At the risk of coming across cold and overly practical:

If you can and are comfortable with it, talk to your dad. As morbid as it sounds, it's much easier to get his affairs in order if you know what's going on while he's still here - finances, debts, assets, and important family information. At least in the UK, the bureaucracy you have to go through when a relative dies is really onerous. You can also work out what he wants and doesn't want for the funeral and things like that.

You mentioned your dad's friend speaking to you, would he be willing and able to help you with the logistics of things? You'd be surprised how often people are willing to lend a hand when you're in need - and the worst he can say is no.

And take the time to look after your mental health. Perhaps it sounds flippant, but things are stressful and overwhelming, particularly with a complicated family. Take time out when you need it and be forgiving to yourself - not everything will go smoothly through this, it never does.

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Hugo Rune said:

Really sad to read your post @Han Solo. It seems that life’s difficulties sometimes tend to come along all at once.

Your post was very honest and courageous, I suspect that reflects who you are. Like many others, I really don’t have any advice on the practicalities on death and funeral arrangements in Sweden but from your latest post, it seems that you’ve turned the ship and are setting sail in the right direction.

I think knocking weed on the head, as hard as that might be, is a really great thing. In essence, it’s an anaesthetic for life experience. It fogs your past, numbs your present and blurs your future. Good move.

Secondly, I think asking for help, as you have done (and as difficult as it can be) is not only brave but is also very constructive. I’m very hopeful your lesser seen family can gather round and help share responsibilities and journey with you.

Finally, think of some new questions to ask your Dad. Think really hard. You’ll want some of these final moments to really stick in your mind, even if it seems so incredibly painful to be with him and see him suffering. New conversations or knowledge will help bookmark this precious time in your head. What don’t you know about him? I suspect it’s plenty. What is his favourite colour? Who was the first girl he kissed? What is his favourite movie? These things might seem frivolous but you want to tighten the bond as much as you can in the time you have left. Perhaps tell him stuff about yourself he does not know to balance the conversations.

You have a lot of support and would be friends on this site. Hopefully you can meet a few of them when you finally get your ass over here for a game!

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Cotton Socks said:

Just because you think you don't 'feel' anything at the time, doesn't mean it won't hit you like a truck later. I said on here a couple of months ago how I was completely numb to my mum dying. It's 3 months later, a funeral after a month & a party weeks after the funeral & I have completely carried on as if nothing has happened & we were really close.
I don't smoke weed & cry watching films, my brain cannot compute this though, even if I do look like I don't give a shit. I feel guilty as I'm sure I should have been crying for the last 3 months. A line in a song completely floored me the other day, I wasn't somewhere that I could let the tears drop though. I think I've put it in a 'to do' list when I next hear the song in a suitable place (yes I could put it on now but I don't want to). Doesn't mean I don't love her and miss her insanely though.

I reckon there's probably some kind of thing over there where you won't have to take your own shovel. You don't actually have to do anything until it actually happens though. Talk to your Dad & see if he has any 'ideas' about what he'd like but if he says a massive funeral with a gold casket and 7 stretch limo's, don't feel bad that it isn't going to happen.

Don't feel bad for whatever you do or don't feel when the inevitable happens. There is no wrong or right way. I've become 'Proper British' these last few months. I can 'Keep Calm & Carry on' & have a 'stiff upper lip'.

Is there someone you can appeal to, to get help again with your rent etc?
Look after yourself & thank you for posting that.

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What to Do When a Loved One Passes Away – Lund, Sweden​

• Call 1177 (Vårdguiden) for guidance or 112 if unsure.
• A doctor must confirm the death and issue a death certificate (dödsbevis).
• If your loved one was receiving palliative care, the home care team will assist.

• The hospital or care facility will manage the documentation and notify Skatteverket (Swedish Tax Agency) automatically.
• You may be given time to say goodbye in the hospital.

• Skatteverket is automatically informed by the hospital or doctor.
• Skatteverket will send a death certificate (dödsfallsintyg), which is needed for handling finances and arranging a funeral.

• A funeral must take place within 1 month of death.
• If your loved one was a member of the Church of Sweden, a basic funeral (venue, priest, organist) is free.
• You can contact Lunds Domkyrkoförsamling for help with arrangements.

If You Cannot Afford a Funeral​

• If there are no funds in the deceased’s estate, the municipality (Lunds kommun) may cover a simple burial or cremation.
• Contact Lund’s Social Services for financial aid.

Estate Inventory (Bouppteckning) – Free Option​

• This is required within 3 months of death to list assets and debts.
• Skatteverket provides free forms to do it yourself instead of hiring a lawyer.
• If there are no assets, you can request a dödsboanmälan (simplified estate inventory) through Lund's Social Services.

• Notify banks, insurance companies, and landlords (Skatteverket informs them, but you may need to follow up).
• Contact Försäkringskassan to check if there are survivor benefits for dependents.

• Church of Sweden (Svenska Kyrkan) – Free grief support groups & counseling
• Mind.se – Swedish mental health charity with a grief helpline.

• If friends or family needs professional mental health help, they can contact Lund’s psychiatric outpatient care.

6. Ongoing Support & Financial Help​

• If struggling financially after the loss, apply for economic assistance (ekonomiskt bistånd) through Lund's social services.
• If unemployed, contact Arbetsförmedlingen for support.

Han Solo said:

None communities like this one..

Anyway, been talking a bit more practically with him after reading some advice here to do it and it has cleared up quite a few question marks. Found out, among other things, that he actually owns his apartment rather than rents it. We did an "inheritance high five" on that one. He's been clearing out PCP and asbestos from old houses for the last 40 years or so, wasn't expecting to get a single krona when he goes but selling the apartment will give me the opportunity to buy myself a real life and start the online nostalgia shop I've been planning for the last year or so.

Bit morbid thinking of it but he was as happy abot it, given he has had a bad conscious for letting mum alone finance my entire childhood.


I have met my father 10 times as much in the last 6 months as I have in my entire life (well, after he broke up with my mum when I was 4) so yeah I've learned really much about him. He has also written obscene amounts of local history etc in various Facebook groups and I've told him that when we goes, I'm going to compile it into a nice little book.



My roomie paid my part of the rent as well, so the rent to the apartment itself has been paid, which is a relief. It left my roomie with very close to £0 though and while he isn't saying much to me atm (he knows the situation), he's obviously very stressed out about the finances.

I appealed my welfare being denied to the Social Services, but my welfare-admin told me that because there's a third guy written on the apartment (that he lives in France from November-April doesn't matter to them), I have been receiving too much money for the rent and the likely outcome of a formal appeal would be me being forced to repay £1000+ from the money I received last year. I thanked her for the heads up, said "Ciao-cescu" and wandered off.

Its a bit of a gut wrencher right now. I'm since a month ago finally eligible for the ultimate help from the Unemployment Services (they will pay the entirety of my wages if I find a job) meaning I will hopefully never again have to deal with the Social Services, but right now it would have been f***ing lovely if they could just understand the situation. But no.

Going to have some careful words with relatives about it this weekend as they pop in to Malmö to take their farewells etc. Money is very taboo as a subject in Sweden though and I haven't met these people for a lot of years so there's a risk I chicken out. But maybe not as it beats calling my skint mother and saying "here's your uselesss 35-year-old sons new crisis, please HELP!"

Well, I take the positives... at least the finances takes my mind off death as I spend a lot of time wandering in circles in the apartment, trying and failing to find the best solution. It feels like I have a knife buried in my stomach but at least I don't think too much about it when I'm with dad.

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Han Solo said:

None communities like this one..

Anyway, been talking a bit more practically with him after reading some advice here to do it and it has cleared up quite a few question marks. Found out, among other things, that he actually owns his apartment rather than rents it. We did an "inheritance high five" on that one. He's been clearing out PCP and asbestos from old houses for the last 40 years or so, wasn't expecting to get a single krona when he goes but selling the apartment will give me the opportunity to buy myself a real life and start the online nostalgia shop I've been planning for the last year or so.

Bit morbid thinking of it but he was as happy abot it, given he has had a bad conscious for letting mum alone finance my entire childhood.


I have met my father 10 times as much in the last 6 months as I have in my entire life (well, after he broke up with my mum when I was 4) so yeah I've learned really much about him. He has also written obscene amounts of local history etc in various Facebook groups and I've told him that when we goes, I'm going to compile it into a nice little book.



My roomie paid my part of the rent as well, so the rent to the apartment itself has been paid, which is a relief. It left my roomie with very close to £0 though and while he isn't saying much to me atm (he knows the situation), he's obviously very stressed out about the finances.

I appealed my welfare being denied to the Social Services, but my welfare-admin told me that because there's a third guy written on the apartment (that he lives in France from November-April doesn't matter to them), I have been receiving too much money for the rent and the likely outcome of a formal appeal would be me being forced to repay £1000+ from the money I received last year. I thanked her for the heads up, said "Ciao-cescu" and wandered off.

Its a bit of a gut wrencher right now. I'm since a month ago finally eligible for the ultimate help from the Unemployment Services (they will pay the entirety of my wages if I find a job) meaning I will hopefully never again have to deal with the Social Services, but right now it would have been f***ing lovely if they could just understand the situation. But no.

Going to have some careful words with relatives about it this weekend as they pop in to Malmö to take their farewells etc. Money is very taboo as a subject in Sweden though and I haven't met these people for a lot of years so there's a risk I chicken out. But maybe not as it beats calling my skint mother and saying "here's your uselesss 35-year-old sons new crisis, please HELP!"

Well, I take the positives... at least the finances takes my mind off death as I spend a lot of time wandering in circles in the apartment, trying and failing to find the best solution. It feels like I have a knife buried in my stomach but at least I don't think too much about it when I'm with dad.

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