[Misc] Just some stuff I need to express somewhere...

[Glawstergull]

I don't have much to add to the above well written responses but just keep posting and don't be so tough on yourself. You're not expected to know everything or handle it all with a stiff upper lip.
I wish you the strength to get through it and the purpose to carry on.
Keep us posted.

 

[dadams2k11]

I've always found you insightful and knowledgeable about most things you post, and believe you are misunderstood by some on this forum.

I can't offer any help either but feel for you and your situation, and hope you find a solution to your problem.

Like others a posted, it takes some balls, big balls, to be as vulnerable as you have been in this thread, especially after loads of Vitriol thrown your way in the past.

Wish there were more we could do for you.

Take Care Hans.

 

[Terry Butcher Tribute Act]

Sorry to hear the situation is so shitty, good luck with it. Some wise people on here with good advice.

 

[SouthSaxon]

I'm not going to watch my dad die and feel nothing and carry around that bad concious for the rest of my life.

Firstly, I’m really saddened to read what you’re going through. This sentence in particular struck a chord with me.

My dad died about 12 years ago, at 65, due to early-onset Alzheimer’s. As a family we’d spent several years caring for him as best we could until it got so severe we could no longer cope.

He spent his last year or so in a care home. I only visited him twice in that time because it had just become too painful to see him like that.

After he died, we spent three weeks taking care of everything in a daze. My mum wanted to see him in the funeral home once they’d prepared his body. I didn’t want to but I went in as well so she wasn’t alone.

I’ve regretted that ever since, the image of him like that in my memory haunts me to this day. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have gone in.

Later, I started to feel guilty about these things, that I was being disloyal to my dad in how I felt. This contributed to depression and anxiety.

Gradually, and with help, I realised it was a time when I had needed to protect myself to survive the ordeal. That pain and those memories would always be there and I would need ways to cope with them. I knew my dad would not have wanted that for me. This really helped me to start shedding that feeling of guilt.

Society can set expectations about how we “should” grieve and that can make us feel guilty if we don’t, or can’t, comply.

My point is, however that grief hits us, there’s no shame in choosing not to expose ourselves to the full burden of it - just as there is no shame in the opposite choice.

We all need coping strategies in life, hopefully those which don’t bring collateral damage.

I really hope you can get the support that you need, but also that you can treat yourself with kindness as well.

NSC is always here if you need an anonymous outlet.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

'Relatives, or another person, are responsible for planning and organising a fu-
neral and related matters. If there is no one who can or wants to take care of it,
the municipality is responsible for doing so instead. Regardless of who organises
the funeral, the wishes of the deceased concerning their cremation and burial
should be followed if possible. If the estate of the deceased lacks financial assets,
the funeral and cremation and/or burial are organised with financial assistance
from the municipality. The sum of this assistance varies throughout Sweden. The
municipality’s social services office in the location where the deceased was most
recently registered in the population register can provide information about
what applies in that specific municipality.'

 

[Gabbiano]

Sorry to hear of your situation, and thank you for sharing that, in itself that's no easy thing.

Regarding the specific processes of the Swedish system, I can't help. Are you a member of any other Swedish online communities that might have more knowledge?

At the risk of coming across cold and overly practical:

If you can and are comfortable with it, talk to your dad. As morbid as it sounds, it's much easier to get his affairs in order if you know what's going on while he's still here - finances, debts, assets, and important family information. At least in the UK, the bureaucracy you have to go through when a relative dies is really onerous. You can also work out what he wants and doesn't want for the funeral and things like that.

You mentioned your dad's friend speaking to you, would he be willing and able to help you with the logistics of things? You'd be surprised how often people are willing to lend a hand when you're in need - and the worst he can say is no.

And take the time to look after your mental health. Perhaps it sounds flippant, but things are stressful and overwhelming, particularly with a complicated family. Take time out when you need it and be forgiving to yourself - not everything will go smoothly through this, it never does.

 

[jimhigham]

I'm afraid I don't have any useful insight to offer, but please accept my sympathies as sincere. I think this is where NSC comes into its own. Amidst all of the raving, there are a lot of good people who will wish you well. I wish you the very best over the coming, trying, months.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Sorry @Han Solo, have lost the link to the pdf, but you might be able to find it by tracking down the website associated with this screenshot

Anyways, here's what I copied n pasted from the pdf (the bit in bold is mine)

'Relatives, or another person, are responsible for planning and organising a fu-
neral and related matters. If there is no one who can or wants to take care of it,
the municipality is responsible for doing so instead. Regardless of who organises
the funeral, the wishes of the deceased concerning their cremation and burial
should be followed if possible. If the estate of the deceased lacks financial assets,
the funeral and cremation and/or burial are organised with financial assistance
from the municipality. The sum of this assistance varies throughout Sweden. The
municipality’s social services office in the location where the deceased was most
recently registered in the population register can provide information about
what applies in that specific municipality.'

 

[Durlston]

I cannot recall us ever falling out @Han Solo. Indeed a lot of the things you have said have stuck in my mind in a positive light so I just want to wish you all the best with what you're going through.

I used to smoke a lot of cannabis resin when I was in my teens and twenties. Looking back, I became addicted to it and couldn’t go through a day without a large joint otherwise I would become very irritable. The amount of tar in it is scary and is as harmful as smoking the equivalent of TWELVE strong cigarettes. Also went down the ecstasy route which was incredible for a time until depression became inevitable with the serotonin all being used up.

My dad had a stroke three years ago and has made a tremendous recovery. However, he's lost a lot of his vocabulary and can suffer severe mood swings at times. He's twenty years older so I feel really bad for you. 62 is still so young. I just hope that things improve and you get the right kind of support that you deserve.

NSC is always here for you. Take care pal and the old clichè of one day at a time.

 

[Jackthelad]

OP Never feel ashamed of posting something like this.

 

[DJ NOBO]

I said my goodbyes to dad last June at st barnabas hospice . Just me and dad together. He was in deep sleep as his body closed down . He wasn’t an open or sentimental man. I am the same usually . But I let it all out in those 15 minutes.
I am so glad I did. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my sister who died last year too.
An advantage of a predictable death is you get the chance to say goodbye . To let it out . Take that opportunity when it’s time.

 

[pb21]

Hmmm, sounds like a lot on you mind at the moment and trying to cope with it differently too, in a positive way, is making things harder in the short-term. I cant really offer any advice on your current situation, but do sense your current sadness and unease.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life outside your family? Expressing on here is helpful and worthwhile but is there anyone IRL.

I wish you all the best. Keep posting on here too

 

[Change at Barnham]

My Dad died of brain cancer a 10 years ago and spent his last 3 weeks in a nursing home that fortunately was in the same town as I live.

When he passed away I was sitting with him holding his hand. Hopefully he found it comforting, but what I do know is that for some reason I found it very helpful to me and I felt very calm and at peace when it happened.

Everyone is different, but my advice would be to try and be with your loved ones when they pass if possible. I hope someone is beside me holding my hand when my time is up.
(I realise that for many people that this isn't logistically possible)

 

[chip]

That's a brave post. It's often said that we can only ask for help when we are ready for it, so in some slight way you are in a good place in that respect. In England it's relatively straightforward dealing with the state and funeral arrangements, relative and friends can complicate this.

I've suffered from depression in recent years following unexpected deaths of loved ones and found a few joints helped more than antidepressants as I could function better. It was tempting to overdo this, there's an attraction in the oblivion, I'm glad I don't drink. (I live with a psychiatristic and she seems happy with my self-medication, she'd tell me if I was loosing it. Do you have someone like this?)

We have a charity called "Mind" that provides practical help to people inexactly your situation. And others like WayThrough https://www.waythrough.org.uk/ that can provide longer term support. Maybe you have something like that in Sweden? Keep posting, you often make me smile.

 

[Han Solo]

Thanks all, very warming and some very useful advice, including @Tom Hark Preston Park finding a nice summary of the funeral complexities (from my googling I had mainly found "Heres a list of the 2498 first things you need to do when someone dies").

A bit too tired now to respond to people but read it all and felt very warm and you know... motivated to 1. take a bit more control of the situation and 2. ride this out without destroying myself.

Dad was in a good mood today, best so far since the day he heard the cancer was terminal. He's an ugly motherfucker now, less than 50 kilos and all his teeth gone due to the chemoteraphy a few months ago, but plenty of gurgling laughters and toothless smiles today at least.

A lot of relatives that I've barely heard of coming to visit him this weekend to give their farewells. I'm going to be there as well. Don't know half of them - only meet them at funerals really - but by the looks of it, some of them seem like perfectly reasonable people from planet Earth - hopefully they can help me sort out a thing or two.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

This thread has been cathartic for many people for many reasons. NSC at its very best

 

[boik]

I'm not really in a position to help from an experience point of view as both of my parents are alive and well despite being in their 90s.

As someone mentioned, not sure if there is a equivalent of the Citizens Advice Bureau in Sweden, but I'm pretty sure there will be charities of various forms. Often these are set up and run by people who've been through the same things themselves, so as well as compassion and understanding they probably have relevant experience and practical advice.

I'm guessing you probably don't see yourself as a "charity sort of guy", but they're just people. There are a lot of really good people in the world, doing a lot of really good things, even if they nearly always get drowned out by the dickheads. Some of these quiet, good hearted people will be able to help, I'm sure.

Take care, and remember to look after yourself.

 

[Zeberdi]

Hope all goes well for you.

Echo what everyone else has said.

Im not in a position to offer any advice, I can barely help myself at the moment but wishing you all the very best.

NSC can really pullout the stops sometimes when people need support so good on you for being so honest what you are going through.

 

[Van Cleef]

I can't really add anything to the excellent replies and advice on here, but just to say I hope things don't get too much on top of you and that things in general will get better in time. You have my very best wishes.

 

[Motogull]

Keep your pecker up @Han Solo.

If you want a human to speak why not call a funeral director. I bet you won't be the first and they will give you all the practical pointers you need.