[Misc] Midlife crisis

BN9 BHA said:

How do you find time to post on here?

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Happy Exile said:

Age has never bothered me at all, I actually enjoy getting older though for various reasons I don't particularly mark my birthday beyond what I have to do so Mini-Exile doesn't think it's weird when she celebrates hers. I reach 50 in a few weeks though and I'm really, really noticing that the midlife crisis - or as a mate calls it "midlife re-evaluation" is a very real thing for some of us despite me being cynical about it before and not believing it'd happen to me.

I've not gone to get a motorbike or run off with a younger woman or got any regrettable tattoos (yet) but there's definitely an awareness, not morbid though, that I've never had before that time is running down and I've lived most of my life now - a poet, Charles Wright, talks about "one day more is one day less" and I feel that. Not in a depressed way at all, just recognising it and a very strong feeling that I need to do something more with the time left than I have done with the past, say, 10 years (like maybe I should get a motorbike, run off with a younger woman and get some regrettable tattoos).

Also noticing things like I bought a lightbulb yesterday that will almost certainly last longer than I will. I still use the snooker cue I got for my 21st birthday and it's still fine, but I'm treating myself to a nicer one for my 50th and I know on that basis that'll probably outlast me too. Again, it's not morbid, I find that idea of continuity of things reassuring and comforting. I totally understand now why some people I've worked with in the past have reached 50 and older and suddenly started talking about needing to find purpose, or looking for charitable "legacy" work, or thrown everything up in the air and almost started again much more content having rebooted and reshaped their lives.

In the next 3 years Mini Exile will leave home, I'll move house very likely to the one I'll stay in until I can retire at 67 and probably beyond then too, maybe forever, shortly after that it'll be my silver wedding anniversary...there are so many life moments I remember my parents having and them seeming abstract to me that are now becoming my moments.

So wise people of NSC, now I've learned my cynicism of midlife crisis/re-evaluation was misguided, what if anything did you find in your 50s that was common among your peers so I can be ready for it? (And I'll be disappointed if at least some of the answers aren't taking the mickey.)

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jcdenton08 said:

In fairness I’m 38 and feel like I’ve lived 3-4 lives already. Sometimes I just feel done.

I think it’s normal - I hope.

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Weststander said:

I once worked with an older misery who said it all (everything) got worse at 30. Until then he reckoned he’d been prolific in pulling females, a good Brighton League footballer.

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jcdenton08 said:

Sounds like a living in the past guy, like me. I think in my case when you’ve had a series of quite dramatic changes (moving countries, long term partners) with nothing to show for it (children, owning house) you can easily feel in limbo even when you have a comfortable life (job I enjoy, partner I love).

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Weststander said:

Are you still off to British Columbia or there already?

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Justice said:

56,760 posts since 2013 takes some doing

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jcdenton08 said:

Off next month, but only 3 weeks. Need to earn meeting life goals. f***ing shit show.

I’ve got this great plan - I just win the lottery and everything is sorted.

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Harry Wilson's tackle said:

Yes.

Oddly, and I bring this up when teaching students about age-related diseases, until very recently in the history of human existence we started breeding at around15, living just long enough to rear a couple of kids before we would die, of infection or injury, quite typically at the hands of some bastard from the next village intent on stealing food, animals and women.

So we are strong and shag-tastic in our teens, and either leaders or followers in our 20s, drawn to extremism and simplistic solutions, and then we die before ever engaging with much in the way of reflection.

And now......nothing has changed in terms of imperatives (thank goodness for laws) but we don't generally die young.....and.... life begins at 40!

What happens after 40 has therefore never had evolutionary pressure (played any role in 'survival of the fittest) till recently.
For the mass of working class this means the last 100 years.

So most of us have no idea, based on tradition and handed-down wisdom, how to manage getting older.
At this point I may venture that my neurodiversity may lend me an advantage.

The other thing of course is that despite oddballs like De Niro popping out kids in his 70s with younger women, most of us really don't keep on breeding after 40.
So evolutionary pressure (the issues that favour our ability to pass on our genes by breeding) are largely irrelevant for the over 40s.

The way I look at it is that after 40 life is a bonus. We can help shape the wider world and should try, but there is no need for us to beat ourselves up if we cannot.

Also we can acquire the mantle of patriarch and matriarch if we so choose and rear kids that we have later in our 30s, and grandkids and so on.

Life does have a purpose - protect our genes (which includes the genes of other humans which are almost identical to our own; which is why we are drawn to adoption, teaching, nursing, soldiering and the like). It isn't all directly 'about me' even if it is 'for me' whether we realize or not..

Call me peculiar but I even see things like weeding my garden and disposing of litter as having a larger value in the pursuit of the greater good.
And it doesn't matter if that's bollocks.
It's a nice way of looking at things, and things that lift the mood are inherently good.
If I'm miserable, I'm useless, so I generally swerve misery.
It is surprisingly not hard to do, I just realized. How very odd!

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Weststander said:

You don’t own a home anywhere at the moment, or have large savings from selling a place?

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jcdenton08 said:

I had rich ex-partners and spent like a Saudi Prince on holidays and lifestyle. I’ve got money saved now, for the Canada fund. Partner owns house in BC, so it’s a matter of saving to help with visa application and relocation costs until work permit.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to move there. All could’ve been resolved of course with a quicky wedding but we wanted to do it right.

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Weststander said:

If it’s any comfort, at 38 I probably had little equity.

The reason I asked is that I’ve often pondered your quandary for young folk trapped by Brexit in the ultra expensive place to live southern England. Unless they have wealthy parents able to write very large cheques for home deposits, my advice is to settle overseas. In a location where they won’t be a slave to a mortgage part paying for sky high land prices.

I hope things work out for you .

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Bodian said:

That's nice to hear - thank you. Photography is what I'd like to spend more of my time doing - living round here should give me plenty of opportunities, but spend too much time in front of the screen writing reports and so on. Can't wait to retire, even though I am one of the luck ones who loves my job. And I guess that's what I mean about planning in time to enjoy yourself - you can't cram it all into evenings and weekends.

Courses are great, but they are incredibly expensive! The best one I went on wasn't really about 'how to take photographs' (much of which you can pick up on-line to be honest), but 'why take that particular photo?'. It was fascinating - because it made you stop and think more about what you were doing. One task was to go out for an hour and take only two photos. Quite some challenge. About four of us meet up in a pub once a month and set a monthly theme - recently we said 'one photo a day for a week'. Basically - pick some sort of connecting topic / theme, plan the week's ideas (or places to go to that gave you a chance of getting what you want) then take only one photo each day. I did okay, until the second-to-last last evening, when we had that fabulous northern lights night - and I couldn't not 'break the rules' by taking hundreds....

Bodian Photography

Explore Bodian Photography’s 481 photos on Flickr!

flickr.com

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jcdenton08 said:

I had rich ex-partners and spent like a Saudi Prince on holidays and lifestyle. I’ve got money saved now, for the Canada fund. Partner owns house in BC, so it’s a matter of saving to help with visa application and relocation costs until work permit.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to move there. All could’ve been resolved of course with a quicky wedding but we wanted to do it right.

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jcdenton08 said:

Thank you very much. I’m just very fortunate my girl is on the property ladder - things are as bad or worse over there in terms of the property market, cost of living and taxes.

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Wardy's twin said:

Some fantastic images there. I find it hard to do 'arty' stuff in photography tend to use it more as a record of events (holidays/wildlife/family), need to try harder.

Notice you use a Sony a77 for many of those , looks like it gives really nice bright images , how good is the autofocus?

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