Yes, very much so, our neighbour lost their husband, just a few weeks ago. Not sure what she is doing this Christmas, we would like to invite her around, but fear it's way to early, she may just want to grieve. I know I don't like over the top sympathy initially, but can handle it better later. I think we are all very different.
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[Misc] Christmas and mental health...the annual thread
- Thread starter Happy Exile
- Start date
Even when my wife was alive I always did the cooking and the hosting, this has continued. Since her passing the there's been a further two additions to the grandchildren and they still descend on me. I'm not one to think too heavy about the day and indeed am happy for a nice quiet Boxing Day. I notice the slight falsehoods though.
Financially it's been hard this year, starting a new business venture, this is certainly impacting my mood.
Withdean South Stand
Well-known member
- Mar 2, 2014
- 648
There is no perfect solution, but it would be a lovely gesture to invite her over - it really would. Maybe best expressed in a card through the door, but just letting her know she's welcome would be a wonderful thing to do. It might be too soon and she might not want to be around other people, but knowing you're there for her would be lovely.
The idea of feeling lonely in a packed room really resonated with me, @PILTDOWN MAN . Unfortunately, I have had a lot of loss over the course of this year and I've really tried to pull back from outbursts online generally and this forum specifically! I've been trying to spin about a hundred plates recently and I've been losing the thread of them left, right and centre. One of those plates is full time employment and I've been getting a lot of criticism from my boss for my performance, all of which is fair, but it's hard because I do have a lot happening and there's only so much a boss can reasonably allow for and I am falling well below my expected work performance. But I'm prioritising my friends and my family and doing what I have to to get by. I'm not doing enough at work and I know I am not, but my work does not change lives nor does it cost them so it's low risk to let things slide.
Anyway, I mostly wanted to come into this thread to share this song, which has been both immensely comforting and devastatingly impactful over the last few weeks. The depth of emotion in this song is extraordinary. "It feels like it's rained in my head for a hundred days". "I say I hate you when I don't, push you when you get too close". "I won't make excuses for the pain I've caused us both, Thank You for always standing by me even though sometimes bad things take the place where good things go".
Powerful. Merry Christmas everybody, look after yourselves.
Wishing you well, with you're hosting, as long as the roasties do not get burnt, you should have a nice time! I think most of us are feeling the pinch this year for different reasons. Good luck with the business venture, is it online? What sector is it in?
Dinner is a breeze fortunately.
Since leaving Asahi I'm now self employed selling old tat, sorry finest Antiques
Yes, good idea thanks, a card will be done.
You can come and do ours then!
I like antiques, some say I belong there, I wish I knew more about them, it seems a very big market place. All the best with that.
pearl
Well-known member
40s!!!! You have your whole life ahead of you and I bet there will be some surprises in store. Good luck x
- Oct 20, 2022
- 7,242
BadFish
Huge Member
- Oct 19, 2003
- 18,429
A poorly judged post misreading the room certainly. But a decent posting rep that is well deserved and I think most would see thus post as the exception rather than the rule and manage to look past it.Mmmm a decent posting rep (which you have) clearly has its privileges, i have a suspicion that if Right Wing Ronnie, Cunning or Cawley Dingo had posted that the lynch mob would be baying for blood and retribution
It is also apologised for later which differs from the usual doubling from the posters you mention.
Cotton Socks
Skint Supporter
- Feb 20, 2017
- 2,209
Can you invite them in a way that doesn't feel like like you're inviting them because you feel sorry for them (I'm not saying you are doing that)? Sometimes just lying can do the trick. People don't want to feel a burden or that they're 'butting in'. Can you find a way to ask them to 'help out'? I'm only saying this because if I was in their shoes, I'd feel like the burden, unless someone needed me for something. Unless they wanted me to peel sprouts, then I'd tell them to f**k off.
Cotton Socks
Skint Supporter
- Feb 20, 2017
- 2,209
Wow, that's the first time I've heard that, it's very powerful.
pearl
Well-known member
It was on a New Year's Eve that the doctor at the hospital told me my late partner wasn't responding to treatment. I knew I had to tell his sister, but I put it off 'till New Years Day. I didn't want to spoil her NY's Eve celebrations. That seems an odd thing to do nowDon't mind Xmas. Easily enough ignored. Hate New Year tho. Used to always love it. Til the morning of that New Year's Day when me mum called round my bruv's place and found him dead on his couch. I had to call round all of our immediate family, including his kids and ex-wife. They all thought I was calling to wish them a HNY. Instead I reduced them all to tears
Now I don't give a shit about either date
Best wishes
Sounds to me like you're doing fine.My Mum died a couple of weeks ago & I'm developing an irrational hatred of people saying 'Sorry,' to the point I'm saying to people that there's no need to apologise as they had nothing to do with her dying. 'Sorry' in my world is what you say when you've hurt or upset someone.
'Loss' is doing my head in as well, I know exactly where she is, in the mortuary. I was really close to my mum & I am in a complete 'Keep Calm & Carry On' mode. It's not intentional but I'm beginning to feel guilty for being calm & organised, when normally I'm known as the most disorganised person of the family.
Someone accidentally made me feel guilty for not wanting to go to the hospital after she'd died. I won't ever regret not going, I'll always remember her as I saw her the week before, at home & annoying her, as Alexa listened to me more than her when it came to the next track.
Went to my Dad's earlier & remembered I hadn't amended my online shop to include everything (anything) for Xmas (I just reserved the slot). I borrowed his laptop & spent 20 mins doing the Xmas shop, that was just rude!
I just have this sudden overwhelming urge to be logical & organise stuff. My Dad has made the appointment to register her death on Xmas Eve. That's going to mess up my routine of last min present wrapping & a glass of Baileys. I did try & hint to my Dad that Xmas Eve is a really shit day to be doing something like that (not that there's a good day).
Now I've written this out, I think I'm probably just completely numb. I shouldn't even be putting this here, as grief is something we will all have to suffer. Even being numb is shit though, as I don't know how to help anyone else.
If you find yourself not doing fine the please reach out.
Very best wishes. M
I always do after 10 minutes. Autism. Unless I'm with my posse. Which I'm pleased to say includes my pals J and S on match day. And recent addition, O. The fact I can chat for the full pre match means that some sort of rubicon is crossed, the one where most people normally start backing away because of something I have said. Possibly all of what I have said.
I have my son round now, with Mrs T and the nipper as ever-presents. Watching Home Alone. Sounds like munchkins talking bollocks.
I have my headphones on, listening to "The Incision" by "Seventh Seance" and typing on the laptop these words.
Happy to share space at home this way. In return I get to watch Usual Suspects again in an hour.
For me life is a compromise be tween me and All Those Annoying Bastards, with respite from a small number of people who seem to like me and who I like.
I spent an hour on the phone earlier with my 84 year old mentor who is now losing a great deal of his short term memory. We had a great time ranting about our research (he still does some). I didn't have a heart to remind him we have had the same conversation, with slightly different flying buttresses, about 10 times over the last few years. When I say didn't have the heart, I mean the idea didn't cross my mind. It is what it is.
Best wishes everyone.
HWT
ps Asperger's is what I have but we avoid that word now as Asperger was a f***ing Nazi.
Autism spectrum condition.
(taps nose)
- Apr 5, 2014
- 26,344
A lot of what gets said here resonates. Christmas is a strange time. My situation is that I'm in my 50s, divorced, live alone, no offspring. I have no immediate family left after my brother passed away a couple of years back. Add to that, see mental health thread, an anxiety disorder which erodes social contact. All very maudlin. But... and there is a huge but...
Up until 2018, there hadn't been a single Christmas Day, apart from when I was in Australia in 1995, when I hadn't spent the day with both or, latterly, one parent in 47 years. So that made it difficult. For the past two years my ex has come round, but I can't cope with the intensity. The best Christmas Day of recent times was in 2019. I spent it alone. Sort of. You see I had planned to do so and will be doing again this year. Not by depressive default, but actual desire. In the morning I'll go to the cemetery and lay flowers, as is the new tradition. In the afternoon I do my Christmas Day walk around the area. Dr Who, Wallace and Gromitt. Christmas Day dinner is actually salmon.
In 2019 I went to cook my dinner and my thoughts took me to an old lady downstairs who was disabled and on her own. A long time local like me. I called her and brought her up to my flat to give her dinner. It made her year and made me really happy. We spent a couple of hours nattering about old times. It wasn't a great magnanimous act, because it took no effort. I realised then that Christmas is really what I choose to make it and I should suffer no impositions.
Of course, Boxing Day is easy. It goes too fast. I prefer it to the 25th as it's, as folk know well, sport all day. Starting with Boxing Day Test in Melbourne.
The idea that Christmas should be the hardest time for those who suffer loss I feel is a myth we are forced to cloak ourselves in. It is certainly very hard to adapt to at first, but, given time, probably easier to navigate than we expect. It really does start by recreating Christmas in the image that you want it rather than how you feel it should be. But, as I said, I'm not unwise and am extremely sympathetic to the feelings of recent loss. I've been there. 2019 was born out of a very difficult 2018.
Whatever folk are doing, I want to wish them the best from my heart. And If you are out for a walk around Queen's Park area, I'll be the bloke in the fedora taking odd pictures of trees and lamp posts. I have a Christmas Day annual collection. Unfortunately there are no buses though. I have a collection of those. But you'd probably expect that of me. It's the little things that take the biggest place in the heart.
Up until 2018, there hadn't been a single Christmas Day, apart from when I was in Australia in 1995, when I hadn't spent the day with both or, latterly, one parent in 47 years. So that made it difficult. For the past two years my ex has come round, but I can't cope with the intensity. The best Christmas Day of recent times was in 2019. I spent it alone. Sort of. You see I had planned to do so and will be doing again this year. Not by depressive default, but actual desire. In the morning I'll go to the cemetery and lay flowers, as is the new tradition. In the afternoon I do my Christmas Day walk around the area. Dr Who, Wallace and Gromitt. Christmas Day dinner is actually salmon.
In 2019 I went to cook my dinner and my thoughts took me to an old lady downstairs who was disabled and on her own. A long time local like me. I called her and brought her up to my flat to give her dinner. It made her year and made me really happy. We spent a couple of hours nattering about old times. It wasn't a great magnanimous act, because it took no effort. I realised then that Christmas is really what I choose to make it and I should suffer no impositions.
Of course, Boxing Day is easy. It goes too fast. I prefer it to the 25th as it's, as folk know well, sport all day. Starting with Boxing Day Test in Melbourne.
The idea that Christmas should be the hardest time for those who suffer loss I feel is a myth we are forced to cloak ourselves in. It is certainly very hard to adapt to at first, but, given time, probably easier to navigate than we expect. It really does start by recreating Christmas in the image that you want it rather than how you feel it should be. But, as I said, I'm not unwise and am extremely sympathetic to the feelings of recent loss. I've been there. 2019 was born out of a very difficult 2018.
Whatever folk are doing, I want to wish them the best from my heart. And If you are out for a walk around Queen's Park area, I'll be the bloke in the fedora taking odd pictures of trees and lamp posts. I have a Christmas Day annual collection. Unfortunately there are no buses though. I have a collection of those. But you'd probably expect that of me. It's the little things that take the biggest place in the heart.
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BrightonCottager
Well-known member
Coming home from the pub last night, I had the urge to shout 'F*ck Christmas, it's all a scam', after the build up of dread, anger and dark thoughts of the last week, but remembered that people would recognise my voice.
Going to the fishmongers at the Open Market this morning sorted me out. First, the dad of the family that run it has recently died but they were busy as fcuk serving their customers and are doing a wake and inviting customers to remember him. Then I got a message from the daughter of a friend of my mum's saying her mum had just died. These two things kind of jolted me out of it a bit. There are lots of families having a worse time than me and I should be thankful for what I've got (though Christmas is still a scam!
).
Going to the fishmongers at the Open Market this morning sorted me out. First, the dad of the family that run it has recently died but they were busy as fcuk serving their customers and are doing a wake and inviting customers to remember him. Then I got a message from the daughter of a friend of my mum's saying her mum had just died. These two things kind of jolted me out of it a bit. There are lots of families having a worse time than me and I should be thankful for what I've got (though Christmas is still a scam!
).
I think the fedora is cool
