Why can't woman just pay for stuff and f*** off?

[happypig]

How about Petrol Stations? I pay for my fuel, walk back to my car, start the engine and drive away, usually pulling my seatbelt on as I go. From opening car door to leaving the pump maximum 15 seconds.

Females seem to have to go through some sort of arcane ritual involving god knows what before they even put on their seatbelt. There will then be another pause to contemplate the world before they put the key in the ignition, another pause and a deep breath before they start the motor. A fearful look around the forecourt then follows to see if anything has changed dramtically. It then requires a further period of reflection before they put it in gear, followed by another pause before the handbrake is off and they slowly chug away. Don't get me started about if they have kids to put back into the car as well......

You forgot that they have to adjust the mirror and, having touched it, need to check how they are looking in it, adjusting hair, spectacles, false teeth etc.
If I go to the petrol station, I always try and wait behind a "young blokes" car, even if he's still filling it because I know he'll be straight in, pay quickly, straight out, in car and away, while the doris is fumbling at the chocolate counter

 

[BensGrandad]

This used to annoy me in the pub. You get home from work suggest that you amd wife go to the pub. she takes a hour to get ready and eventually you get to the pub and the first question is what woukld you wlike to drink, not really a suprise. "What do they do? " after spending an age running through the drinks "Oh I think Ill have vodka and tonic" ffs every pub in the country sells vodka & tonic, why did I have to go through the drinks list. I can understand if they want a half or pint of whatever the beer is and they dont know but VaT.

My mother joins the list that have to give the shop the correct money so as not to overload her purse then when we get home she complains that she has no change to put her little pots of money away for her paper and the lottery etc when my nephew calls.

 

[The Large One]

Instruction for using drive-in cash points.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake

 

[Danny-Boy]

I can reference that, I once stood behind some biddy who watched all her stuff go pinging past the barcoder without even attempting to bag the stuff up.. The Shop assistant rudely awoke the miscreant by saying "£12. 42 please madam" the biddy then awoke and tried to get her purse out while packing at the same time.... oh and after finally getting organised, proceeded to pull out a wad of assorted money off coupons for the shop assistant to check....most of the coupons were for products she had not bought...

Aaagh..do I suddenly have to prepare for a torture-time if I'm standing behind a woman and at a check-out her bill comes to £12.42

 

[Barrow Boy]

Her "Aren't you going to turn the TV off - I'm ready"

Me "OK" *turns off TV*

Her *goes to toilet* *puts finishing touches to make-up* *checks bum size in mirror* *looks for keys in bag* "have you got money, because I forgot to go to the cashpoint today?" *check again for keys* *checks bum size again in mirror*

Agree 100% with all the moaning on this thread, but following on from DRF's post even Mrs BB amazed me last year. We'd been for dinner at our friends who live only a 15 min walk from our house, set to go home at about 1am. I'm ready with jacket on by the front door Mrs BB has finally got her coat on we've said our goodbyes I open front door and she comes out with a classic. "Just wait a minute, I've got to put some lipstick on".
FOR A 15 MIN WALK HOME IN COMPLETE F***ING DARKNESS !!!!

 

[Danny-Boy]

Instruction for using drive-in cash points.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake

10 points for effort and imagination, Large...was this from personal experience?

 

[Electrik Blue]

why are men so impatient and aggressive on everyday things and yet can spend hours, sitting by a river in the pissing rain chatching fish only to put them back, what the hell is that all about FFS

And then the other stupid past time GOLF, hit the ball, pick it up, hit the ball, pick it up, for hours on end then end up at the pub, why dont they just go straight there

And then, there they are handing over of notes for everything ending up with pockets full of loose change, only to complain eventually that they have holes in thier pockets, Doh!!!

 

[Easy 10]

Oh my life, Tesco the other Friday.

I'd knocked off work early that afternoon so we could get the weekly shop out of the way before the early-evening hoards descended on the store. All had gone well, we'd trotted round in not much longer than half an hour, and we arrived at a till which had two middle-aged wimmin queuing with their stuff, the front one of which was already getting served. As there wasn't very much on the belt, we took the plunge, committed ourselves and unloaded the contents of our trolley.

Just then, an icy chill was sent from the nape of my neck, all down my back, to the tops of my arsecheeks. The woman being served had queried an item - a 4-pack of tinned tuna - which was supposed to be on offer, but she'd noticed had been put through at full price. The tins are examined, buttons are pressed on the till, its beeped through again, and the price stubbornly remained apparently at an un-offerable level.
*dring*
Supervisor is called over. "Can you check the price of the tuna 4-packs Jill ? They' supposed to be on offer". Jill disappears with the offending tins, and time slows down as we watch the world gradually tick by. I look yearningly at the next till, customers whipping through at a rate of knots as the mildly attractive teen whittles through her customers like a knife through Lurpak. Tick........tock......tick......as a big space opens up on the adjacent till-belt, I begin to contemplate transferring the piles of our weeks shopping across to it. How much hassle will it be ? How long would it take ? Willl it look rude ? Too late, someone else turns up and starts unloading anway....tick.....tock.....tick...where the f*** is Jill ?

Finally, a slightly flushed Jill emerges with the tins. Yes, its on offer. No, the till isn't recognising the offer price for some reason. Put it through and take the receipt to Customer Services for a refund of the difference (which was probably all of about 85p, if that, but I had not the will by then to care). The woman then decides she CAN'T BE BOTHERED, and says she'll just leave it. So then the tillgirl has to work out how to credit it off the bill. More fumbling with beeping buttons. By now I swear I've literally got cartoon steam coming out of my ears. Of course I say nothing, but I exchange a weary eye-roll with the woman immediately in front. We share an embarrasssed smile.

FINALLY first woman pays up and fecks off, tunaless. The next woman had considerably less stuff. "This'll be a breeze" I think to myself. Off she goes, beep beep beep, its going fantastically. I can almost taste my first weekend pint. Why we'll be out of here in a ji...
"Excuse me, but I couldn't find the honey. It wasn't with the preservatives. Would you mind having someone fetch me a jar ?"
*dring*

I'm now looking at the back of her head, so hard I SWEAR she must feel the rage of my bloodshot eyes boring through her skull, invading her brain and attempting to twist and mash her cortex into pulp. A spotty 14 year old is summonsed and sent forth on his quest for honey - "oh, not the own-brand though....the Dutch-Gold if you have it, if not don't worry"
"don't worry you don't want any, or don't worry just anything but the own-brand"
"just anything but the own-brand"
Off he goes.

By now my knuckles have gone white gripping the bar on the trolley. I'm imagining its her throat. I'm squeezing her windpipe, I'm gauging my fingers in behind her larynx, I'm slowly pulling out the stringy flesh of her mottled moley neck as her mouth opens to a gaping maw, her eyes bulge and she....
"Here you are madam"

The 14 year-old was at least fairly quick. She examines the honey, I know not what brand, and to a relief I felt to the depth of my very soul, she chirps "yes that'll do". Its beeped through. I swear I would have physically detonated had there been even a moments further pause on her part. She finishes up, pays, and is on her way (none of the change-fumbling mentioned on this thread thankfully, or I may well have began disembowelling her with the new potato peeler I had in front of me).

"Sorry about that" says the girl on the till, as she starts putting our stuff through some four days later. "Do you want help with your packing ?"

I have not the words.

 

[happypig]

Agree 100% with all the moaning on this thread, but following on from DRF's post even Mrs BB amazed me last year. We'd been for dinner at our friends who live only a 15 min walk from our house, set to go home at about 1am. I'm ready with jacket on by the front door Mrs BB has finally got her coat on we've said our goodbyes I open front door and she comes out with a classic. "Just wait a minute, I've got to put some lipstick on".
FOR A 15 MIN WALK HOME IN COMPLETE F***ING DARKNESS !!!!

How about when you have visitors:
Man's friends leaving
1. coat on
2. open door
3. "see ya"
4. shut door.

Woman's friends leaving
1. coat on
2. have a chat
3. scarf on
4. have a chat
5. open door
6.have a long chat
7. step outside
8. turn round
9, have a chat
10. walk up path, 4 steps max
11. turn round
12. have a chat
13. come back down path
14. have a chat
15. remember she's forgotten something
16 come back in
17 have a chat
18. house is now cold due to all the yapping
19. watch her going to car, getting in, farting about and driving off.
20. wait for her to ring when she's got home

 

[Danny-Boy]

why are men so impatient and aggressive on everyday things and yet can spend hours, sitting by a river in the pissing rain chatching fish only to put them back, what the hell is that all about FFS

And then the other stupid past time GOLF, hit the ball, pick it up, hit the ball, pick it up, for hours on end then end up at the pub, why dont they just go straight there

And then, there they are handing over of notes for everything ending up with pockets full of loose change, only to complain eventually that they have holes in thier pockets, Doh!!!

Is it that time in the month.....

 

[Nibble]

why are men so impatient and aggressive on everyday things and yet can spend hours, sitting by a river in the pissing rain chatching fish only to put them back, what the hell is that all about FFS

And then the other stupid past time GOLF, hit the ball, pick it up, hit the ball, pick it up, for hours on end then end up at the pub, why dont they just go straight there

And then, there they are handing over of notes for everything ending up with pockets full of loose change, only to complain eventually that they have holes in thier pockets, Doh!!!

Okay, thanks. Point made now, if you don't mind moving on the menfolk have important stuff to do here.

 

[wellquickwoody]

why are men so impatient and aggressive on everyday things and yet can spend hours, sitting by a river in the pissing rain chatching fish only to put them back, what the hell is that all about FFS

It relieves the stress of shopping with you lot!

 

[john baldock]

Come on guys - be fair - not all women! On the rare occasions that I pay for myself I take just my card (don't own a handbag). On all other occasions I take my husband. Simples! Seagull Wife.

 

[Nibble]

Oh and can we have a completely seperate till for people buying lottery tickets/scratchcards/paying for gas leccy etc. They take for bloody ever. And the kiosk in supermarkets is not for paying for your bloody weekly shop, especially if you are then paying for it on card and can't key in your PIN correctly or at the right time. I only wanted to pay for a chuffing apple and bottle of water and but a lighter which is exactly what those kiosks are for. And don't push into the front because you forgot to get your chuffing car park voucher clicked at the tills. Get in the queue and maybe learn to do it right next time.

In fact can we have a till that has a sign above it is "The morons Till" and leave the rest of us to get on with our lives as their queue snakes back to the deli counter!

 

[john baldock]

sorry guys for the wife hijacking this thread,your be pleased to know i have banned her and now sent her shopping

 

[corkster]

sorry guys for the wife hijacking this thread,your be pleased to know i have banned her and now sent her shopping

are you the john baldock who used to live in eastbourne?

 

[john baldock]

yes mate,many moons ago family still down that way love life in the cotswolds still get down the albion a fair bit and away games in this area plus midlands,do i know you!!

 

[Jahooli]

why are men so impatient and aggressive on everyday things and yet can spend hours, sitting by a river in the pissing rain chatching fish only to put them back, what the hell is that all about FFS

And then the other stupid past time GOLF, hit the ball, pick it up, hit the ball, pick it up, for hours on end then end up at the pub, why dont they just go straight there

And then, there they are handing over of notes for everything ending up with pockets full of loose change, only to complain eventually that they have holes in thier pockets, Doh!!!

Last edited by Electrik Blue; Today at 12:30. Reason: bad spelling

Brilliant !

 

[Easy 10]

are you the john baldock who used to live in eastbourne?

yes mate,many moons ago family still down that way love life in the cotswolds still get down the albion a fair bit and away games in this area plus midlands,do i know you!!

I just LOVE that you use your real-life name on an internet messageboard. That is just soooo "this is me. f*** you".

BRILLIANT

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

Thing ive noticed in Europe over the years that pisses me off...is..
when waiting in Q to buy ticket from machines at stations.. people queue, and dont start getting their money out of their pocket until they are at the machine...then spend 5 mins looking for the exact change for the machine.
Drives me fecking nuts...

Also, customer service in Czech Republic is still in its infancy following the communist era...
Its fairly normal for you to wait in a shop whilst the person 'serving' you, completes some stock taking
task.... couldnt count the amount of times ive just got bored waiting and left the shop.

I always thought going to the supermarket in the States would be very hi-tech. Not a bit of it. They bag everything at the checkout – great, but instead of using some local spotty Herbert the girl on the till does it. She takes ages, actually flicks through any papers or magazines you’ve bought (bloody cheek) and then splits the stuff up between tins, dairy, frozen etc. (what is it with splitting all the stuff up – it’s only going to be in the bag 5 bloody minutes). To make matters worse it’s now Passover so all the kosher stuff has to be separated – surprised there’s not a Rabbi on hand to re-bless it all in case it’s been cross-contaminated by the Halal stuff. Then you get miles of paperwork for your bill, your receipt, your loyalty points, your green points……..End result – a queue of about 5 people with about 5 items each could easily take 25 minutes. Bizarrely, New Yorkers aren’t in the least perturbed and take it all in their stride. I don’t think they could handle the efficiency of a Tesco Express.

Grrrrrr……