Stupid ways that you have hurt yourself

[Hove&Albion F.C]

i seem to remember chris catlin jumping up from the dug out when we scored and smacking his head on the roof which was concrete and requiring attention from the phisio mike yaxley

my ex manager booted a ball at our dugout when we conceded once,the ball rebounded and caught him full on in thebollocks- he was in agony- funny as f***

 

[¡Cereal Killer!]

I have never had any serious injuries or any broken bones ever. I have dropped a brick on my toe when I was eight, the brick was on top of a few rabbit hutches and as I wasn't that big, I was pulling some tarp over the cages and pulled it not knowing there were a brick on top, it landed straight on my big toe and broke into toe.

I had to have a RED HOT PAPER CLIP pierced through my toenail to busrt a blod blister because of that and that was worse than the brick landing on my toe!

 

[Easy 10]

breaking my middle finger showing off playing football (i got down on all fours to tap the ball over the line with my head , my numbnuts mate stood on it)

The sheer poetic justice of that is just beautiful.

I would pay good money to witness moments like that.

 

[The Clown of Pevensey Bay]

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow a few years ago which finished in a tie. So the quiz master decided to organise a "dance off" with one member of the top two teams... and the rest of the pub voting on who was the best dancer and would win the £50 of free beer.

The first bloke got up, danced around a bit, we clapped.

The second bloke got up, and determined to be better he started to dance on one of the long tables in the pub. He then took a flying leap off said table (all in time with the music) and went head first into a revolving ceiling fan. We laughed really quite a lot.

And the first bloke won.

 

[The Large One]

Goldstone, February 1983 - FA Cup 4th Round v Manchester City. I was 13.

The players were warming up on the pitch. I was leaning with my back against the fencing at the front of the North Stand. I turned around a put my face right up against the fencing. Half a second later a ball comes and smacks me full in the face, driving the horizontal mesh part of the fence into my nose. Blood. Lots of blood.

I still have that scar today.

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

in my brother's car driving to brentford on the m25 we passed dave dresh and a car full of albion fans, great time to give him some friendly abuse. wound down the window and started to yell only for my glasses to fly off and disappear onto the motorway. i wasn't injured but had a lot of piss take at the ground plus not being able to see the game

 

[Easy 10]

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow a few years ago which finished in a tie. So the quiz master decided to organise a "dance off" with one member of the top two teams... and the rest of the pub voting on who was the best dancer and would win the £50 of free beer.

The first bloke got up, danced around a bit, we clapped.

The second bloke got up, and determined to be better he started to dance on one of the long tables in the pub. He then took a flying leap off said table (all in time with the music) and went head first into a revolving ceiling fan. We laughed really quite a lot.

And the first bloke won.

BRILLIANCE

I'm wiping my eyes

 

[Lord Bracknell]

I once broke my nose as a result of being stung on the back of the neck by a wasp.

I was standing behind a high backed chair at the time.

As soon as the little fecker injected its poison in my neck, I grabbed the back of my neck with my right hand and jerked my head forward in pain. Result was my face crashed into the wooden chair back and I broke my nose.

The people standing near me simply saw someone suddenly - and for no apparent reason - slam his face into the back of a chair and split his nose open, causing blood to spurt everywhere. And then he rushed around the room, clutching the back of his neck.

 

[Hilton]

Bloody wasps.

A few years ago I was along my the Adur when one flew in front of me. Being scared of the buggers I tried to swat it away and snapped my arm in the process. 8 weeks in plaster (involving missing a 2 week trip to Corfu as they wouldn't let me on the plane).

 

[Roger Mellie]

Last year I gave up smoking and went on a health drive. Cycled into central london one evening for some beers with a few mates. If you have ever given up smoking you will know that you need to do something with your hands - and I used mine to rapidly sink pints of Stella.

I do not remember leaving but woke up in bed the next morning fully clothed wearing shades next to my bike. I had a busted nose and hands cut to ribbons and the bike had seen better days.

There were lots of messages on my phone from my then girlfriend. Apparently I had called her coming over Blackfriars Bridge saying the police were chasing me but I thought I could escape downriver on my bike and hung up. I have no knowledge of said police or phone call.

 

[Raphael Meade]

Apparently I had called her coming over Blackfriars Bridge saying the police were chasing me but I thought I could escape downriver on my bike and hung up. I have no knowledge of said police or phone call.

 

[Lady Bracknell]

At the office Christmas Party at the Snowdrop in Lewes few years back I decided to help things go with a bang. As was customary I had a couple of small but highly effective fireworks that I'd prepared earlier and popped outside the pub to light the fuses. Wanting to see the collective enjoyment of this little display I then retired - backwards - at some speed. Which would have been fine if I'd remembered the terracotta plant pots which were just about knee high and just behind me. According to the spectators the display was most effective with a huge explosion being followed by me apparently being thrown through the air backwards at high speed. Unfortunately, as I landed I broke several bones in my hand. The pain was awful but worse was the very long time it took trying to make any of this sound like rational behaviour when I was taken to A & E at Haywards Heath Hospital.

 

[Rangdo]

Not an injury but a mate of mine wanted to show off his "cool" new belt whose buckle doubled up as a bottle opener. Being half-pissed he opened it with the bottle hrizontal and promptly tipped half a bottle of beer on the groin of his jeans. Genius.

 

[perth seagull]

When I was at uni, one Sunday evening I had been working frantically to finish an essay that was due in on Monday morning. Being the student that I was, I had become an expert at last minute cramming, but not so with a stapler. After finshing my assignment all I had to do was staple it together and it was all over. When the stapler didn't work, I got frustrated because I just wanted to get everything off my hands so I could enjoy what little time I had left of the weekend. I started messing around with the stapler and then banging it on my desk. Stupidly my thumb was in the middle of the stapler and I ended up firing a staple right into my thumb.

It wasn't a normal stapler. It was one of those big powerful ones used to staple 120 page essays. The staple was nearly 1 cm deep in my skin at an angle, my thumb went all red and started burning with pain. I rushed to get some scissors to try and tear it out, but because the staple was in so deep, I ended up having to stab the blade under my skin to dig the staple out. The worst bit was slowly pulling the staple out, it was even more painful than just having it stuck in your skin. This unpleaseant incident stuck with me for many years, and to this day I try to use a paper clip whenever I can.

 

[Commander]

Albion v Swindon @ Withdean in the play-offs. As they hit the post with their last penalty, I ran onto the pitch and did a Klinsman style slide on my belly across the wet grass. Trouble was that a rather large chap ran across in front of me, and I sliding tackled both his feet with my face. His legs came out from underneath him and he landed flat on his back, on top of me. Not only did I have a big lump on my head for days afterwards, I pulled my stomach muscles as well. Quality.

 

[Lord Cornwallis]

As a ten year old was challanged by my friends older brother and his mates to do a wheelie on my bike, they had secretly loosened the front wing nuts. Away I go, front wheel drops out, forks dig into the road, and I tear my sack half off on the handlebar stem.

As an apprentice chippy I'm fixing down a countertop from the underside through the cabinet using a "yankee" pump screwdriver. Srewdriver slips off the screw and the pump screwdriver shot up my nostril tearing it to shreds. Still the most stupid accident ever in the accident book. Aparently.

We've driven over to the Black rabbit in Arundel late one weekend and it's packed, I'm breaking my neck for a slash and see the trees along the river in the moon light. What I didn't see was the two foot wall along the edge of the carpark. Wallop. I felt such a plumb walking in the pub with both knees gone out of mt best strides.

 

[rool]

I just remembered another. I used to live in a close in shoreham with a network of alleys behind the houses that led to garages. One night playing knock down ginger a crowd of us were running away down these alleys. I saw that everyone in front of me were ducking but I couldn't understand why when all of a sudden I was sent flying backwards. I had run into a rusty fence wire that was strectched across the alley and had a cut right across my neck. Needless to say i never played it again.

 

[Seagull's Return]

Years ago, I was working making garden sheds, which were put together a side at a time on large work benches, using wooden blocks as forms and a pneumatic nail gun. Basically, you put all the bits in place and nailed along the appropriate lines with the nail gun - not, as they say, rocket science. If you were doing an unusually large side, then you'd support the overhanging bit with one hand and nail along the line with the other. One day, while doing this I managed to nail my supporting hand to the underside of the shed I was putting together at the time, with four nails. I pulled, and squirmed, and whimpered pitifully as panic rose, but to no avail: I was stuck fast.

The bloke at the next bench eventually noticed my eel-like writhing and came over - thank god, help at last, I thought. But no. Once he'd controlled his initial hysterical laughter, the bastard called everyone else in the factory in and they stood around taking the piss for at least ten minutes before some kind soul weakened and pried me loose with a claw-hammer...

 

[Stat Brother]

I was taking my top off, both hands grapping the bottom & lifting, not too difficult.
But last night my hand slipped as I lifted. Unfortunately I was looking down @ the time & punched myself in the mouth.

Luckily my g/f wasn't looking or else I'd be in for a long few days.

 

[Dazbez]

On new years eve when i was about 19 3 friends and I ended up back in my mum's kitchen rolling a spliff or two.

Now as I cant roll to save my life i was using mothers hairspray to give myself wild hairstyles. By the time the spliffs were rolled I had quite a lot of spray in my hair.

Well on the first spark of the lighter hy hair went up in flames, like a christmas pudding, my so called mates were on the floor pissing themselves as my hair made a nasty crackling noise and a very nasty smell.

Never used hairspray since