Stupid ways that you have hurt yourself

[Cheeky Monkey]

Aged 11 my bike handlebars came loose, I flew over the top and landed mouth first on the road outside my nan's house, got up leaving my two front teeth (stumps still in my mouth thankfully) on the road. A week later in the school swimming pool a kid dived into the shallow end and surfaced with the his two front teeth smashed out to much laughter from fellow classmates.

 

[Theatre of Trees]

Was riding a bike along the road a few years back when a girl with big knockers and tight top walked past, instinctively turned my head, smiled and promptly went into the back of a stationary car. Only my pride was hurt.

Whilst opening a packet of cheese 10 years ago I put a sharp knife through the packet and deep into my middle finger. A number of stitches followed and the scar is still very visible today.

 

[Lush]

I lOVE these threads.... Lol at Rangdo and Piltdown Man's bubble wrap story.

I had a mate at work who must have been the classic head-stuck-in-railings kind of kid because he had a burning desire to stick parts of his anatomy in various items.....

....just because.

He once plunged his arm into the middle of an enormous 2ft wide roll of bubble wrap, only to get it stuck. It took four of us to pull it off.

He also spent at least half an hour walking round with one of those mini jelly bean dispensers on the end of his finger (he was trying to get the last one out).

I am so glad we didn't get as far as having to go to Casualty....

 

[turienzo's lovechild]

strained my calf muscle masterbating


try explaining that one to your cricket coach

 

[Gully]

One winter many moons ago, I must have been 11 or 12, we had flattened the snow on a path in the lane near home. The idea was that we would slide down the path sitting inside plastic bags that we had taken the bottom out of. Yours truly managed to hit a stone during one slide, resulting in a nice gash on the inside of his right butt cheek, not sure how deep the cut went but i could fit my finger inside the hole (not the normal one in the middle) and still have the scar today. It was the only time I have ever seen my mum look shocked at any of the numerous injuries I returned home with, resulting in an unsightly red stain on my pants and jeans that looked like I had been shot (slight exaggeration but I think you get the picture).

There are quite a few more which I might reveal if I get bored later this evening.

 

[magoo]

When i was a lad of about 8 or 9 i went camping with the Navy cadets.

For some reason i had to lift a manhole cover. This obviously took both hands to achieve. Then i walked forward

Ended up hanging by my arms with the manhole cover still in my hands, grazed ribs and elbows

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Ran with scissors in me hand once. Think I got away with it though.

 

[Gritt23]

Dislocated my shoulder by attempting to put a cardigan on.... not funny at the time - but funny these days.... unforutunately a sign of things to come:

next dislocation was rolling over in bed (alone!! )
next few were at basketball...
last dislocation of shoulder was sitting at my desk at work - I leaned back to stretch and pop-o out she comes again!!

just waiting for the next one now.... surely time shirley...

Superb stuff.

 

[Gritt23]

1 pi**ed jumped across step at the top of the landing at my old house, jumped off-line and caught my little toe on a door frame not just breaking it but it bent completly sideways and ended up facing backwards. it didn't hurt i was too drunk but the nurses had a good laugh!

2 i was an aircraft engineer for 18 years, one day two guys were marching across the hangar holding what i thourght was a roll of 12 ft long bubble wrap. great if i run at it it wopuld bend the middle and send them flying. what a wheeze. no the roll was solid plastic, as i hit i slipped headbutted the roll knocked myself out. not a good idea as at the time i was the health and safety rep for gatwick.

3 when i was about 6 i was riding along the pavement when my neighbour drove past i waved. i then looked back only to see a concrete lamppost infront of me. smacked into it face first. i had an egg on head for years.

4 when about 13 i had just replaced the brakes on by bike. feeling pleased with myself i went to the top of the hill and rode as fast as i could down and applied my new brakes. the centre retaining bolt snapped and brake flew up and smacked me on the nose. blood everywhere. still going fast and now no brake i then went straight into a parked car and took a great big lump out of my knee.

Even better, I am honestly in tears of laughter. My wife has come in to check out what's going on I'm making so much noise.

Stories 2 and 4, really are corkers.

 

[desprateseagull]

bike. hill. bridge.

saw hill. didnt see bridge. or the effing gravel at the entrance.

stil lget creaky neck, years on.

left a nice dent in my bike helmet, and the bridge!

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

(another) Cycling along the A259 through Peacehaven on a fairly tasty Carrera racer in full Tour de France clobber (cycling jersey, lycra shorts, cycling gloves), head down bombing along, looked up too late to see a parked BMW dead ahead, slammed straight into the back of it, the diagonal bar of the frame buckled and I was literally thrown onto the sloping back window of the beemer. Made worse by people across the road just stopping in their tracks and staring as Lance Armstrong dismounted the car and rapidly limped off, bike in tow. Round the corner I actually managed to pull the frame back into a fairly workable condition and finish the journey back home to Seaford, which was a pretty stupid thing to do because one hard pull on the brakes and the whole frame would have literally snapped in two.

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

Even better, I am honestly in tears of laughter. My wife has come in to check out what's going on I'm making so much noise.

Stories 2 and 4, really are corkers.

there's plenty more. i think i'm injury prone or maybe just a prat.
anyway i tell you a few more. not me but ones i've witnessed

1 guy fitting a new oxygen mask in the cockpit of a b747. it needed a retaining plate to be drilled and screwed on an existing bulkhead. he held the plate in place and wrapped his fingers around the bulkhead and started to drill. the drill went straight through. not only the plate and bulkhead but his thumb and fingers. we had to remove the drill then unwind the drillbit by hand to release it from said thumb & fingers.

2. the dump valve on the toilet system was stuck on a bac1-11(remember those) the engineer was fixing it thinking the aircraft was empty. the crew had arrived and a hosty decided that nature had called, went and flushed the loo covering said engineer in you know what.

3 when i was at school we were at games and had a cross country run, mate of mine decided to do a short cut which was over a chain link fence, he jumped and inpaled his balls on a sharp piece of wire. this resulted in him losing one and having four weeks off school.

4 my grandfather was a carpenter. oneday he was showing an apprentice the circular saw. after explaining how to use it correctly, he said whatever you do don't leave the guard up. he showed the apprentice the blade (which was running at the time) with the guard up so he appreciated the speed it rotates at slipped as he placed the guard down and cut off his little finger. classic!

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

Most of these stories are just brilliant!!! Got tears down my face now!!

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

just remembered another. those old enough remember "cow horns" handle bars?
riding up hill i raised from the seat riding standing on the pedals straining on the handle bars so to speak. the cow horns started to move until eventually they met in the middle thowing me off the bike in crumpled heap

 

[disgruntled h blocker]

I turned too quickly on an astro-turf pitch this July and ripped all the ligaments in my ankle and fractured the bone. Happened in the middle of the pitch, on my own. Looked a bit stupid hobbling off for no apparent reason at all.

 

[Beach Hut]

Went for a piss once when had one too many when we were on holiday at a holiday camp in Weymouth.

Turned what I thought was a corner of a building to piss and fell down the concrete stairs to the swimming pool maintenance area.

Was a bit blue with bruises next morning - Mrs Hut and mother-in-law thought it was funny though.

 

[Hove&Albion F.C]

i badly bruised my foot booting a goalpost when my team conceded in the last minute again hastings united youth a few years back. put me out for 3 weeks!

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

i seem to remember chris catlin jumping up from the dug out when we scored and smacking his head on the roof which was concrete and requiring attention from the phisio mike yaxley

 

[Tesco in Disguise]

probably falling over in a five-a-side match last season. i was in plaster for two months. got a free kick out of it, though.

 

[Braders]

breaking my middle finger showing off playing football (i got down on all fours to tap the ball over the line with my head , my numbnuts mate stood on it)

oh yeah fracturing my wrist falling off a wall