Stupid ways that you have hurt yourself

[maffew]

good thread

various drunken ones, dislocated my shoulder and chipped collar bone unlocking my bike, just toppled over the top of it and landed funny. no problem rode 5 miles home pissed as, slammed into a parked car on the way as well, then got up in the morning and hurt

a non drunken one, was playing footy on the beach bare footed and there was a perfectly formed cubic piece of polystyrene. Ran and gave it a good kick to discover it was actually a 10" cube of breeze block of some description. that hurt, especially walking away with my bleeding toes in the sand

 

[bardo]

I was running for goal once with only the keeper to beat in a really important match, and I stretched out to get my foot behind the ball ..... and kicked my wardrobe really hard! It was a dream, I never did score, and had a throbbing toe for my troubles!

 

[nomad]

last night i went for a run and ran straight into a bollard. there were no street lights on. i now have a sprained wrist and fuciked up legs.

Ooops

 

[Titanic]

As a kid in Hove we used to buy bangers and go up 'The Copse' to let them off.

For some reason, I emptied the contents of a six pack of bangers into a pile... and lit the resultant heap of black powder.

Stupidly I was leaning over it at the time and the flash of flames and smoke hit me full in the face - burning the nice orange trim of my new Parka's hood and completely removing my eyebrows.

The smell of burnt synthetic fur and real human skin and hair was something grim - and explaining the facial reddening and lack of eyebrows was a challenge for even for a well-accomplished 11yo storyteller !!

 

[Drumstick]

running through a car park and sliped and fell into a parked car

 

[Deano's Right Foot]

Jumping off a swing (on my own so wasn't even showing off) while it was swinging very fast and high, I flew through the air MUCH higher and MUCH faster than I had anticipated.

I landed, arms and legs flailing, chest first onto my own bicycle handlebars. I was too shamed up to go to hospital. I still get rib pains today - more than THIRTY years later

 

[Easy 10]

There's a recurring theme on this thread - and that is that bicycles, and bicycle handlebars in particular, are LETHAL.

If the US Marines had stormed Fallujah on a fleet of Grifters, they'd have secured the place in no time.

 

[pasty]

Playing five-a-side on astroturf, I started the game repeating a mantra to myself "no sliding tackles, no sliding tackles". First 50/50 ball about 3 minutes in, guess what I did? Yep, a Scholes-esque, crap sliding tackle.

Made a right mess of my lower leg & knee

 

[Hiney]

What an absolute quality thread!!

1. I was about 14 and wanted a go on my mate's f***-off racing bike. He reluctantly said yes and I went off thinking I was the dog's bollocks. Did a circle and came back towards all my mates at speed. Thought I would brake fashionably late and skid to a halt in the coolest manner possible. Unfortunately, the brakes were wired back to front so what I thought was the back brake was indeed the front and as I slammed on the anchors I shot over the handlebars and came down in a heap. The bike landed on top of me and something cut into my leg - blood everywhere. Had to go to hospital and my mate never spoke to me again.

2. Pissed and walking home - thought it would be amazingly cool to swing on a sign - which turned out to be metal and very sharp. Hospital again, this time to get a skin graft on my finger which even now has hairs growing out of it - nice

3. Another shoulder dislocation story. Number one was playing football at Lancing British Legion. Went down like a sack of shit, with arm sticking out at a funny angle. One of their players came up and said "get up you wanker - there's no blood is there?" Thanks mate. Hospital again.

Number 2 was on the first day of a holiday in Mexico, playing water polo with a load of american tourists. Had to be taken to the most primitive clinic in the world ever to have it re-set by possibly the oldest doctor in the world ever.

Number 3 was on holiday in tenerife, coming down the water slide at the Aquapark. Not nice

Number 4 was after the England v Denmark game in WC 2002. Well pissed after the lunchtime victory, we had our daughter's brithday aprty in the evening when we had hired a big bouncy slide for the garden. At around 7.30 I decided to lead everyone in a rousing chorus of 'Vindaloo'. As i was waving my arms around the shoulder went out again. As we had 30 children in the garden Mrs Hiney couldn't take me to hospital so we called an ambulance. When it drew up the neighbours all ran out in a major panic, expecting to see their children being led away in a 'Nightmare accident at child's party' scenario. Exit me, looking very sheepish, for another stay in hospital.

Marvellous scenes - I've had an op to sort the shoulder out now btw

 

[Lady Bracknell]

Bicycles ARE bloody dangerous!

In the summer I got my first proper bike (aged 7) I started off a spell of stupid cycling accidents by testing the parental advice about not pedalling down hills like a lunatic. So finding a nice steep hill near Hurstpierpoint College when out on a family bike ride I set off at a terrific pace and by ferocious pedalling had gained a terrifying turn of speed at the point at which the hill ran out and a seriously sharp corner took its place. But being completely out of control by then, I went straight on and ended up in a dry but very deep and brambly ditch. Where I lay, scratched, stunned and very surprised for some minutes until my mother (who was some way ahead) looked behind her, realised I'd disappeared - as if by magic - and had to come back and fish me out.

Not two weeks later I decided to test the parental advice about not suddenly putting on the brakes when cycling at high speed down hills. This time near Wivelsfield Station on our way to catch a train. The result was inevitable and I somersaulted clean over the handlebars and landed in the road leaving a fair amount of my chin on the tarmac. Again, my mother was with me and again she turned back, this time to see me lying in the road covered in blood and road grit. And I still bear the scar from this little incident.

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

oh yeah fracturing my wrist falling off a wall

I've done that!

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

Hospital again, this time to get a skin graft on my finger which even now has hairs growing out of it - nice

I dont think they stop, had a skin graft nearly 18 years ago (when i was 2 days old) and hairs havent stopped re-growing!!!

 

[FamilyGuy]

My (late) father used to tell the story of riding his bike across Richmond Bridge in about 1944/5 and a "Doodlebug" flew down the river ahead and the engine cut out (a sign that it was about to "land") so my dad slammed on the breaks and somersaulted over the handlebars onto his head, almost knocking himself out.

The flying bomb hit closeby and threw much debris into the area, but because dad was lying on the floor, blood pouring from his head but below the parapet of the bridge - he was "completely unhurt"!!

Moral: Not all bikes are dangerous, but look out for them bloody Doodlebugs

 

[Schrödinger's Toad]

My (late) father used to tell the story of riding his bike across Richmond Bridge in about 1944/5 and a "Doodlebug" flew down the river ahead and the engine cut out (a sign that it was about to "land") so my dad slammed on the breaks and somersaulted over the handlebars onto his head, almost knocking himself out.

The flying bomb hit closeby and threw much debris into the area, but because dad was lying on the floor, blood pouring from his head but below the parapet of the bridge - he was "completely unhurt"!!

Exactly the same thing happened to me just last week in Burgess Hill.

 

[ro's pants]

got an electric shock at work in front of loads of customers

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Someone threw a Ferrero Rocher at me at a party once, which landed smack on my eyeball.

OK at first I think, until it starts to hurt. Then the vision starts to go blurry, before all going black. Upon looking in the mirror- with the other eye, clearly- I notice that the eyeball has turned red instead of its usual white.

Cue trip to Casualty, who ship me out immediately to the eye hospital, where after a raft of tests I get told to lie completely still in bed for a week, or I'll lose the sight in that eye permanently.

I want to be on one of those comedy injury lists that hospitals give out, where they list the causes of injuries.

2004
Football injuries 456,109
Gardening 300,284
Cooking 121,896
DIY 109.792
Playground eqpt 71,444
Rakes 32,256
Banana skins 16,891
Shoelaces 12,903
Choking 8,567
Sexual activities 2,390
Ferrero Rocher 1

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

Playing football in PE on the top field at De La Salle (soon to be Newman) the ball was spiralling on it's way down from the skies and I ran to get my head on it. I had to stretch to get it ........ when someone's boot (Magsie actually) caught me under the chin, at the same point at which the ball hit me on the crown of my head and my teeth came together ...... then shattered. I sat dazed on the ground spitting out bits of tooth and blood ....... when the teacher (Benjy Buchman) said "take no notice - he is only after attention".

Go forward a couple of months and I was cycling along the seafront from Brighton to Rottingdean going past Kemp Town. There were less cars around in the old days kids - and no cycle helmets - and I was doing my Tour de France bit, head down (and I mean head down - looking at the kerb to keep my direction) when I found myself on the back screen of some bloody Rover. Again spitting out teeth.

Next time you see me I will be pleased to show you the broken remains still with me after these years.

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

Ferrero Rocher 1

that is a belter Edna.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

that is a belter Edna.

Luckily it was still in the wrapper at the time of impact, or the consequences could have been unthinkable.

Never liked going to these Ambassadors' receptions in any case, haven't been back since

 

[Easy 10]

oh my god

EDNA

DUCK !