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joke
- Thread starter sydney
- Start date
User removed 4
New member
Whats the difference between jam and marmalade ?............................You cant marmalade your cock up a birds arse !.
Box of Frogs
Zamoras Left Boot
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
You can go to sleep with a light on.
Scoffers
Well-known member
A pair of jump leads walk in to a bar, the barman says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything
Uncle C
Well-known member
The Queens corgis are delighted Prince Phillip is back at the palace. They won't get blamed for pissing on the sofa anymore.
A plane crash over a desert, one survivor- a bloke called Steve.
He starts to walk east, trying to find help, eventually he comes across a man on a camel,
"water" steve asks, "please can I have some water",
the guy on the camel says "No, I only have ties."
Steve walks on, for hours more until he comes across another guy on a camel, he pleads for water,
"No", says the guy on the Camel, "I only have ties."
"Forget it." Steve says and continues walking again.
He is nearly dead now, suddenly he spots a massive building, surrounded by 7ft walls, within these walls he can hear boys and girls partying... he walks up to the big gates and knocks on the door, a guy looks through a flap in the door, "Yes, can I help?" he says.
Steve replies "please let me in, I need water, please!!"
The guy behind the door shouts "No, you can't come in, you're not wearing a tie."
He starts to walk east, trying to find help, eventually he comes across a man on a camel,
"water" steve asks, "please can I have some water",
the guy on the camel says "No, I only have ties."
Steve walks on, for hours more until he comes across another guy on a camel, he pleads for water,
"No", says the guy on the Camel, "I only have ties."
"Forget it." Steve says and continues walking again.
He is nearly dead now, suddenly he spots a massive building, surrounded by 7ft walls, within these walls he can hear boys and girls partying... he walks up to the big gates and knocks on the door, a guy looks through a flap in the door, "Yes, can I help?" he says.
Steve replies "please let me in, I need water, please!!"
The guy behind the door shouts "No, you can't come in, you're not wearing a tie."
skipper734
Registered ruffian
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
James Milner has 30 England Caps
BensGrandad
New member
Urgent message from a Mrs Young of Stevenage she has lost her son Ashley thought to be going to Euro finals but last seen hitting a bar in Kiev.
Uncle C
Well-known member
Just booked a table as a Birthday treat for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.