joke

[ifuhatepalacestandup]

Woman pregant with triplets gets shot by a burgalr three times. She's taken to hospital and recovers. Miraculously all three babies, two girls and a boy have a bullet in them but are still alive.

They are born with no health difficulties until one day when they are all thirteen one of the girls comes running into the kitchen. "Mummy, mummy she cries, I've just been to the toilet and a bullet came out". "Don't worry", she says, quietly relieved "it only happens once".

Two days later, the second daughter comes running in to the kitchen. . "Mummy, mummy she cries, I've just been to the toilet and a bullet came out". "Don't worry", says the mother, again relieved "it only happens once".

Two days later the boy comes running into the kitchen. . "Mummy, mummy" he cries. "Don't tell me, you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?" "No" he screams. " I was just having a wank and I think I've shot the f***ing dog!"

ok so thats me off to pc world for some screen cleaner then

 

[Mr Smggles]

Here we are at the 100m Ladies final and, from left to right, it's:

No, no, yes, maybe, from behind, definitely not.

 

[SWCspider-man]

I f***ing hate double standards! Some bird gets a rampant rabbit and it's seen as 'a bit of naughty fun'. But when I ordered my 240 volt Fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy with elasticated anus, imitation shit dribble with breast nipple discharge and semen collection tray with built in realistic rape cry sound system, I'm known as some kind of sick pervert. * *

 

[Gazwag]

What do you call an all singing/all dancing lawyer?

Tara Ra-Boom D.A

Is that an American joke

 

[SWCspider-man]

It's a Dennis Norden joke from his book, Clips from a life

 

[Hungry Joe]

My wife said "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's knickers in your coat pocket?". "Yes I can" I said "It's because you're a nosey c**t".

 

[tgretton87]

My racing snail wasnt going quite fast enough. So I took him home and removed his shell.

He is now quite sluggish.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

A man was at home alone one afternoon when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to find two police officers standing outside, looking sombre.

The first policeman took off his hat: "It's about your wife, sir. We have some bad news. I'm afraid...I'm sorry to say it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

"Oh, I know" said the unflustered man. "But to be fair, she takes it up the arse & she's great with the kids".

 

[DanielT]

ok so thats me off to pc world for some screen cleaner then

How's that's going to fix a bullet hole?

 

[Kumquat]

ok so thats me off to pc world for some screen cleaner then

Never had someone wank over my posts before but hey, fill your boots. As it were.

 

[Mutts Nuts]

How do you stop a dog shagging your leg

Pick it up and suck it`s cock

 

[hillbilly]

My wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and the washing machine has never broken down since.
It's true what they say in the advert: Washing machines last longer with cow gone.

My favourite on this thread.

 

[BRIGHT ON Q]

a boy walks in on his dad in his bedroom and catches him wanking. the dad calmly says dont worry about this son you'll be doing this soon. oh says the son you mean when im older? no says the dad my arms getting tired

 

[smeariestbat]

dwarf shortage

 

[SWCspider-man]

A cowboy was riding into a strange town when he saw a couple of Indians,
"Can you tell me where the nearest toilet is"? asked the cowboy
"We just use that bush over there" answered one of the Indians
The cowboy went behind the bush and had a piss but when he came out all the Indians were laughing,
"What's so f***ing funny"? he asked,
"That's the ladies". shouted the Indians.

 

[pasty]

Two statues are brought to life by the satue fairy good mother and are told they have 5 minutes to do whatever they want before they are turned back to stone.

The lady statue looks at the man statue knowingly, and they run off into bushes. After about 3 minutes of rustling and panting noises, they come out and thank the fairy. But you still have 2 minutes left says the fairy. So the man statue says to the female great, shall we go and do it again? Okay she says, but lets do it the other way round this time. Okay he said, this time I'll hold the f***ing pigeon down and you can shit on it.

 

[BRIGHT ON Q]

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer

The other bloke replies"that was really respectful".

"Well, we had been married for over 25 years"

 

[Brovion]

An Australian man and woman, both from the rural outback, get married. For their wedding night they go into Sidney and book the bridal suite in a really plush hotel. When they arrive they look around the room appreciatively; lovely furniture, tables and chairs and a fantastic four-poster bed in the middle of the room. The woman says "I'm just going into the on-suite bathroom to freshen up, why don't you get ready for me?" When she comes out she stares in amazement, the man has pushed the four-poster bed right into a corner and has piled all the furniture on top of it, now all there is is a great big empty space.
"What have you done?" shouted the woman, aghast. The man scratched the back of his head sheepishly.
"Well to tell you the truth", he began, I've never made love to a woman before - but if you're anything like a kangaroo then I'm going to need all the room I can get!"

 

[DanielT]

a man orders a pint at the bar, drinks a bit and then throws it over the barman. Barman asks what on earth that was about. Man says "i am so embarrassed, I can't help doing it, no idea why it happens. i'm really, really sorry."

Barman calms down and suggests the man goes to see a psychiatrist who may be able to help. Couple of months later the man returns to the bar, and tells the barman "thank you so much for your advice. i saw a psychiatrist and everything's ok now!"

he orders a pint, drinks a bit and then throws it over the barman. Barman says "i thought he'd stopped that happening?"

Man: "oh no, but now I'm not embarrassed"

 

[driller]

why do footballers like their wives tanned?

The darker they are the less chance they have of being f***ed by John Terry