joke

[sydney]

i just been down the swimming pool with the kids
i was busting for a pee so i thought i'd have a sneaky one down at the deep end



bloody life guard blew his whistle so loud , i almost fell in....

 

[bn1&bn3 Albion]

i just been down the swimming pool with the kids
i was busting for a pee so i thought i'd have a sneaky one down at the deep end



bloody life guard blew his whistle so loud , i almost fell in....

 

[the wanderbus]

Took my wife to the doctors to sort out her tourettes today, turns out theres nothing wrong with her....I AM a cvnt & she DOES want me to f*** off!!

 

[SWCspider-man]

What do you call an all singing/all dancing lawyer?

Tara Ra-Boom D.A

 

[Stat Brother]

My mate got sacked the other day for stealing from work. He was a lollipop man. I should have known there was a problem, last time I was round his house all the signs were there.

 

[dannyboy]

a boy walks in on his dad in his bedroom and catches him wanking. the dad calmly says dont worry about this son you'll be doing this soon. oh says the son you mean when im older? no says the dad my arms getting tired

 

[Stat Brother]

I was just at the cash machine and a little old lady said she was struggling to see the screen and asked me if I would check her balance for her. So, not wanting to impolite, I gave her a big shove and she fell over.

 

[upthealbion1970]

My wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and the washing machine has never broken down since.
It's true what they say in the advert: Washing machines last longer with cow gone.

 

[sydney]

little lizzy runs into her mummys kitchen all excited " mummy ,mummy little anton two houses down has got a winkle like a cashew nut"

" goodness me elizabeth" says mother " what on earth do you mean.......is it small and kidney shaped"?

" no mummy " she replies " it's salty"

 

[element]

Harry Redknap has received a £1.5 million pay-off from Spurs. So after tax, that's £1.5 million...

 

[Kumquat]

Woman pregant with triplets gets shot by a burgalr three times. She's taken to hospital and recovers. Miraculously all three babies, two girls and a boy have a bullet in them but are still alive.

They are born with no health difficulties until one day when they are all thirteen one of the girls comes running into the kitchen. "Mummy, mummy she cries, I've just been to the toilet and a bullet came out". "Don't worry", she says, quietly relieved "it only happens once".

Two days later, the second daughter comes running in to the kitchen. . "Mummy, mummy she cries, I've just been to the toilet and a bullet came out". "Don't worry", says the mother, again relieved "it only happens once".

Two days later the boy comes running into the kitchen. . "Mummy, mummy" he cries. "Don't tell me, you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?" "No" he screams. " I was just having a wank and I think I've shot the f***ing dog!"

 

[grubbyhands]

What's got 88 balls and f*cks rabbits?

A shotgun.

 

[marshy68]

Took my wife to the doctors to sort out her tourettes today, turns out theres nothing wrong with her....I AM a cvnt & she DOES want me to f*** off!!

that actually made me spit coffee out through my nose - sir i salut you!

 

[rockypaul]

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I


People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends and colleagues.

 

[Norman Potting]

My brother got put in jail for something he didn't do. He didn't run away from the Policeman fast enough.

 

[albion534]

Crystal palace championship winners 12/13

 

[Stevie Boy]

Rolf Harris was in tesco last week when a little old lady asked... 'Are you him from the 1970's who did '2 little boys'? No replied Rolf, that was Gary Glitter

 

[the wanderbus]

A young lad goes for some work experience at an undertakers, to get him accustomed to the bodies the undertaker gives him the job of dressing 3 corpses in their shrouds, an old man, an old woman and a young 18 year old blonde, telling him hell be back in 1/2 hour to see how he's getting on. When he returns he asks the boy if there were any problems, "well" says the boy " it was ok with the 2 old folk put I'm a bit perturbed about the young girl" "yes" replied the undertaker " it's always so sad when someone so young and beautiful has there life cut so tragically short" "no that's not what worries me" the boy answers " its the fact that she's got a prawn in her fanny" "A prawn in her fanny!show me" exclaimed the undertaker. The boy lifted the girls shroud and pointed to the girls fanny The undertaker looks at the boy and says condescendingly" You fool, That's not a prawn its a clitoris" To which the boy replies "Well it tastes like a prawn"

 

[skipper734]

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

[cornish seagull]

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

Brilliant