Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
INQUIRY DAY 4 - smoke and mirrors...
Day 4 of the Public Inquiry then, and my first visit to Brighton Town Hall to witness the latest episode in a saga so long-running, even George Lucas would baulk at attempting a screenplay.
Before I embark on this tale, can I just state for the record, that I am no Lord B, and my humble scribings are from the perspective of an amateur observer attempting to piece together a bewildering barrage of statistics, implications, statistics, thinly veiled threats, statistics, jargon, statistics, and a quite marvellous display of asking the same question half a dozen times in ten different ways, before arriving at the same answer. With some more statistics thrown in. I'm sure Lord B will comprehensively cover the issues of today, but I'll press on regardless and hope to be corrected where I have misunderstood.
The tone was set early on, before we even got down to the main issue in hand. Mr White (the NIMBY lawyer), shuffled to his desk, fidgetted awkwardly and announced he had some "bad news". Whats this then ? Has his dog died this morning ? Are Girls Aloud splitting up ? No, worse. Due to an "immovable professional engagement", Mr White would be unable to attend the Inquiry on the 8th and 9th of March. Meaning that the proceedings scheduled to be heard on those dates would have to be knocked back 5 weeks, to mid-April (the next available date). Mr White seemed coy as to the nature of this "immovable professional engagement", but the speculation in the galleries was that he was booked in for a bikini-wax and rubdown (with extras) at the King Alfred.
Albions lawyer Mr Clay was somewhat less than impressed with this, and made his feelings known to the Inspector in no uncertain terms by wrestling a 19th century brass plaque from the wall and savagely hurling it at Mr White, who was felled with a glancing blow to the temple...
(ok, thats not what happened)
Mr Clay said that this was unacceptable, that HE considered a Public Inquiry to be an "immovable professional engagement", and requested that Mr White "make it moveable". The Inspector inquired how "movable his unmovable professional engagement was, and whether, in fact, it could be moved". Mr White said he couldn't say at this stage, but would "see if he could move his immovable professional engagement, and let everyone know next week if he's managed to move it". Marvellous, thanks for that.
And so on to The Main Event. Mr Lee took to the stand. Mr Lee is the consultant hired by the Albion to give evidence on the traffic and transport issues surrounding each of the stadium sites in question. Presumably continuing from the previous day, in a clear, concise and impressive manner, he systematically set about utterly massacaring the feasibility of the other sites in terms of traffic access.
A stadium at Toads Hall Valley would create queues of an estimated 2600 vehicles stacking back off the sliproad and onto the A27, which would also have a knock-on effect as far as the A23. Jams of up to 6 kilometres could be expected. Mr Lee advised that they had tried to formulate ways of improving the junction of the A27 at the THV / Devils Dyke roundabout, but the geometry of the roundabout and surrounding area had made improvements of the scale required absolutely impossible. The Highways Agency would never sanction this level of queing, and in his expert opinion, there were no ways of resolving it.
On to Shoreham Airport then. No rail link. No buses. A stadium on land to the north-west of the airport would mean an additional 4,000-5,000 vehicles accessing it via the A27. The Highways Agency have already said 'no' to any new or improved junction being built there, meaning that on matchdays, the A27 at the Shoreham flyover would basically be completely "filled". Not ideal then.
Beeding. Not accessable by walking, cycling, stage coach (yee haa !) or presently rail. Reinstating a rail link there would run into "tens of millions, possibly hundreds of millions". Road access presently a non-starter - currently a single lane, it would require a dual carriageway (4 lanes in total) to be built (right through an AONB) - and even once thats done, there isn't actually anywhere to park once you get there anyway. Super.
In summary, the other sites offered insufficient alternatives to car travel and parking. Meaning higher percentages of fans travelling by car. Meaning jams all over the shop. The blue rinse brigade sat opposite, in stoney silence. I glanced up and noticed an enormous, elaborate, heavy looking lantern hanging from the ceiling directly over several of the more crusty NIMBYS, and found myself idly wishing for it to come crashing down on them...just to see what would happen. Sadly, the lantern stayed stubbornly fixed to the ceiling, and my mind returned to the issues in hand.
This is without doubt my longest post ever. If you're still reading, then well done. Give yourself a little pat on the back. Why not get up and stretch your legs a little. Have a cigarette, add a few to the word association game, and come back refreshed and ready to continue. Go on, I can see you're flagging. See you in 5.
Back yet ? OK, lets crack on.
Mr Lee, having given his evidence, now braced himself for the inevitable cross-examination by Mr White. Now Mr White really does put the "cross" into cross-examination. You can also add to that irritation, confusion and eventually utter exhasperation. Mr White you see, when asking questions, adopts the manner of a magician. He could quite plausibly turn up in a cloak, white gloves and with a top hat and cane - because he has this magical capacity to make the most vital information required from his victims answers simply "disappear", by simply demanding a yes/no answer in order to disguise a plethora of crucial issues.
Example: Cycling. We are told by Mr White that it is accepted that people will potentially cycle up to 5 kilometres to a stadium. The 5km catchment area at Falmer would dictate that up to 8.8% of people could potentially cycle to a stadium there. However, were the stadium at Sheepcote, that potential 5km catchment area shows that there is a potential for 11% of people to cycle to the stadium (as a stadium at Sheepcote is closer to a larger connurbation of people). POTENTIAL, see ?
So, based on this, said Mr White to Mr Lee, it is in fact true that a stadium at Sheepcote is in fact MORE accessible by bike for more people than a stadium would be at Falmer. And, of course, the unavoidable answer is YES Mr White. Those figures do indeed prove that Sheepcote is more accessible by bike for more people than Falmer. And there's the magic, you see ? By completely and utterly ignoring the fact that in terms of national averages for football crowds, less than 1% of people actually cycle regularly to the ground, Mr White has magically given the illusion that there'll be a veritable Tour de France snaking its way to Sheepcote every other week. Which, of course, is rubbish. But don't lets let facts and reality get in the way of a good old-fashioned twisted stat.
And so it went on. Mr White was pressing very hard on Sheepcote, despite the problems on transport links. A summary of one of the exchanges went rather like a game of ping-pong:
"Could people get a train to Brighton Station and a bus to Sheepcote ?"
"Yes, but the buses to Sheepcote currently run at 35% capacity on a normal Saturday WITHOUT a stadium. On a matchday, this would mean they'd be oversubscribed."
"Can't Brighton & Hove lay on extra buses ?"
"They don't have them"
"Can't they get them ?"
"Its unliklely they'd want to invest in more buses just to be used 26 times a year on alternate Saturdays"
"But its more business"
"Yes, but even if they DID get more buses you'd also need additional qualified bus drivers to drive them. And its unlikley those drivers would be employed to just sit around for two weeks at a time just waiting for a Saturday home games to come round".
Pause from Mr White, then:
"But you do accept that it IS possible for people to get a train to Brighton station and then a bus to Sheepcote...." And off we went again.....
By this stage Mr White had managed to turn my brain to cheese, and I began hallucinating some wild and frightening images. Lord B (who I sat next to throughout the proceedings) suddenly morphed into a long-haired llama, and began munching contentedly on his traffic survey appendices. Mr Clay stood up, winked at the gallery, and proceeded to force an overstuffed lever-arch file into his ear. When my hands turned into lobster claws I finally blacked out, and eventually came to in the Smugglers with Crabtree BHA slapping me round the face.
Anyway, thats about all I can remember. I'm sure Lord B will post a more accurate account (if he's not actually now a llama), but that was my take on the day. Get along there if you can - its certainly an experience.
Day 4 of the Public Inquiry then, and my first visit to Brighton Town Hall to witness the latest episode in a saga so long-running, even George Lucas would baulk at attempting a screenplay.
Before I embark on this tale, can I just state for the record, that I am no Lord B, and my humble scribings are from the perspective of an amateur observer attempting to piece together a bewildering barrage of statistics, implications, statistics, thinly veiled threats, statistics, jargon, statistics, and a quite marvellous display of asking the same question half a dozen times in ten different ways, before arriving at the same answer. With some more statistics thrown in. I'm sure Lord B will comprehensively cover the issues of today, but I'll press on regardless and hope to be corrected where I have misunderstood.
The tone was set early on, before we even got down to the main issue in hand. Mr White (the NIMBY lawyer), shuffled to his desk, fidgetted awkwardly and announced he had some "bad news". Whats this then ? Has his dog died this morning ? Are Girls Aloud splitting up ? No, worse. Due to an "immovable professional engagement", Mr White would be unable to attend the Inquiry on the 8th and 9th of March. Meaning that the proceedings scheduled to be heard on those dates would have to be knocked back 5 weeks, to mid-April (the next available date). Mr White seemed coy as to the nature of this "immovable professional engagement", but the speculation in the galleries was that he was booked in for a bikini-wax and rubdown (with extras) at the King Alfred.
Albions lawyer Mr Clay was somewhat less than impressed with this, and made his feelings known to the Inspector in no uncertain terms by wrestling a 19th century brass plaque from the wall and savagely hurling it at Mr White, who was felled with a glancing blow to the temple...
(ok, thats not what happened)
Mr Clay said that this was unacceptable, that HE considered a Public Inquiry to be an "immovable professional engagement", and requested that Mr White "make it moveable". The Inspector inquired how "movable his unmovable professional engagement was, and whether, in fact, it could be moved". Mr White said he couldn't say at this stage, but would "see if he could move his immovable professional engagement, and let everyone know next week if he's managed to move it". Marvellous, thanks for that.
And so on to The Main Event. Mr Lee took to the stand. Mr Lee is the consultant hired by the Albion to give evidence on the traffic and transport issues surrounding each of the stadium sites in question. Presumably continuing from the previous day, in a clear, concise and impressive manner, he systematically set about utterly massacaring the feasibility of the other sites in terms of traffic access.
A stadium at Toads Hall Valley would create queues of an estimated 2600 vehicles stacking back off the sliproad and onto the A27, which would also have a knock-on effect as far as the A23. Jams of up to 6 kilometres could be expected. Mr Lee advised that they had tried to formulate ways of improving the junction of the A27 at the THV / Devils Dyke roundabout, but the geometry of the roundabout and surrounding area had made improvements of the scale required absolutely impossible. The Highways Agency would never sanction this level of queing, and in his expert opinion, there were no ways of resolving it.
On to Shoreham Airport then. No rail link. No buses. A stadium on land to the north-west of the airport would mean an additional 4,000-5,000 vehicles accessing it via the A27. The Highways Agency have already said 'no' to any new or improved junction being built there, meaning that on matchdays, the A27 at the Shoreham flyover would basically be completely "filled". Not ideal then.
Beeding. Not accessable by walking, cycling, stage coach (yee haa !) or presently rail. Reinstating a rail link there would run into "tens of millions, possibly hundreds of millions". Road access presently a non-starter - currently a single lane, it would require a dual carriageway (4 lanes in total) to be built (right through an AONB) - and even once thats done, there isn't actually anywhere to park once you get there anyway. Super.
In summary, the other sites offered insufficient alternatives to car travel and parking. Meaning higher percentages of fans travelling by car. Meaning jams all over the shop. The blue rinse brigade sat opposite, in stoney silence. I glanced up and noticed an enormous, elaborate, heavy looking lantern hanging from the ceiling directly over several of the more crusty NIMBYS, and found myself idly wishing for it to come crashing down on them...just to see what would happen. Sadly, the lantern stayed stubbornly fixed to the ceiling, and my mind returned to the issues in hand.
This is without doubt my longest post ever. If you're still reading, then well done. Give yourself a little pat on the back. Why not get up and stretch your legs a little. Have a cigarette, add a few to the word association game, and come back refreshed and ready to continue. Go on, I can see you're flagging. See you in 5.
Back yet ? OK, lets crack on.
Mr Lee, having given his evidence, now braced himself for the inevitable cross-examination by Mr White. Now Mr White really does put the "cross" into cross-examination. You can also add to that irritation, confusion and eventually utter exhasperation. Mr White you see, when asking questions, adopts the manner of a magician. He could quite plausibly turn up in a cloak, white gloves and with a top hat and cane - because he has this magical capacity to make the most vital information required from his victims answers simply "disappear", by simply demanding a yes/no answer in order to disguise a plethora of crucial issues.
Example: Cycling. We are told by Mr White that it is accepted that people will potentially cycle up to 5 kilometres to a stadium. The 5km catchment area at Falmer would dictate that up to 8.8% of people could potentially cycle to a stadium there. However, were the stadium at Sheepcote, that potential 5km catchment area shows that there is a potential for 11% of people to cycle to the stadium (as a stadium at Sheepcote is closer to a larger connurbation of people). POTENTIAL, see ?
So, based on this, said Mr White to Mr Lee, it is in fact true that a stadium at Sheepcote is in fact MORE accessible by bike for more people than a stadium would be at Falmer. And, of course, the unavoidable answer is YES Mr White. Those figures do indeed prove that Sheepcote is more accessible by bike for more people than Falmer. And there's the magic, you see ? By completely and utterly ignoring the fact that in terms of national averages for football crowds, less than 1% of people actually cycle regularly to the ground, Mr White has magically given the illusion that there'll be a veritable Tour de France snaking its way to Sheepcote every other week. Which, of course, is rubbish. But don't lets let facts and reality get in the way of a good old-fashioned twisted stat.
And so it went on. Mr White was pressing very hard on Sheepcote, despite the problems on transport links. A summary of one of the exchanges went rather like a game of ping-pong:
"Could people get a train to Brighton Station and a bus to Sheepcote ?"
"Yes, but the buses to Sheepcote currently run at 35% capacity on a normal Saturday WITHOUT a stadium. On a matchday, this would mean they'd be oversubscribed."
"Can't Brighton & Hove lay on extra buses ?"
"They don't have them"
"Can't they get them ?"
"Its unliklely they'd want to invest in more buses just to be used 26 times a year on alternate Saturdays"
"But its more business"
"Yes, but even if they DID get more buses you'd also need additional qualified bus drivers to drive them. And its unlikley those drivers would be employed to just sit around for two weeks at a time just waiting for a Saturday home games to come round".
Pause from Mr White, then:
"But you do accept that it IS possible for people to get a train to Brighton station and then a bus to Sheepcote...." And off we went again.....
By this stage Mr White had managed to turn my brain to cheese, and I began hallucinating some wild and frightening images. Lord B (who I sat next to throughout the proceedings) suddenly morphed into a long-haired llama, and began munching contentedly on his traffic survey appendices. Mr Clay stood up, winked at the gallery, and proceeded to force an overstuffed lever-arch file into his ear. When my hands turned into lobster claws I finally blacked out, and eventually came to in the Smugglers with Crabtree BHA slapping me round the face.
Anyway, thats about all I can remember. I'm sure Lord B will post a more accurate account (if he's not actually now a llama), but that was my take on the day. Get along there if you can - its certainly an experience.
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. Do our arguments look convincing? Do the devil's solicitor's arguments look like they're being taken seriously or does it look like they're clutching at straws?
