[Politics] Asking for a friend…

[Carlos BC]

An ex partner of mine could stop talking for 2-3 days over micro aggressions she'd initiated.

Get rid.

I agree with Harry Wilson and his tackle.

Dump them but don't do it by text.

A dramatic approach is needed to hammer home the point. If you can't sing the dumping in a loud operatic voice your self, hire the bloke from the Go Compare Ads. Or an aeroplane with a message attached.
Not one of those roadside banners though with 'You're chucked' written on it - that has no class.

Maybe do a poll to find out the best way to do the dumping. And afterwards don't let them convince you that you were wrong about that.

 

[Taybha]

First thing i do when i see the mrs is tell her i love her, and then check for punctures, respect costs nothing.

 

[ChickenBaltiPie]

Maybe do a poll to find out the best way to do the dumping. And afterwards don't let them convince you that you were wrong about that.

Haha (LOL) none of that was remotely helpful, but I still really appreciated the laugh. Thanks

 

[Titanic]

While we are on the subject... Is the "dishwasher shuffle" normal in a healthy relationship?

 

[Goldstone1976]

I know you’re right re pro help! I’ve been toying with the idea. My only fear is that it’s too late for it. The dogged streak in me has always figured if it’s got ‘that’ bad it’s not worth saving I guess.

FWIW, my thought is that you should either do some couples counselling or separate. The former is substantially cheaper and may help repair what appears to be a pretty damaged relationship. The only thing I wouldn't advise is to continue as you are - that way lies an increasingly toxic relationship which will only ever end one way - with more damage to both parties than if you get the situation resolved (either way) sooner. All imo, ofc. Good luck.

 

[ChickenBaltiPie]

While we are on the subject... Is the "dishwasher shuffle" normal in a healthy relationship?

Oh god!! Don’t go there. I’ve completely given up trying to explain ‘how’ the dishwasher should be loaded so to avoid half of it having to go back in again!! I’m just grateful she loads it at all tbh. (She literally won’t be told ANYTHING! EVER! I sometimes wonder if she thinks I have any sense at all.)

Good luck.

Thank you!

 

[Baldseagull]

…said the same to my buddy the other night haha. I would probably get more respect and consideration from a lodger. I’d def get some help with the bills.

After 40yrs on this planet and endless relationships I think I’m finally beginning to realise that I expect too much and can’t keep judging women by my own standards or those of my mates. If you’ve found one you can tolerate guys, that clearly gives a sh!t, hold on to that, HARD!!

You kind of have to mate, there is always a bit of give and take, but if being in a relationship with someone requires you to compromise too much, unless they are changes you kind of want to make, you will end up resenting the other person.
I have been where you are I think, you don't necessarily have to get out, but you do need to ensure you have separated your self esteem from your ego. It can and will bruise your ego when you feel disrespected, but try not to let it bruise your self esteem. If you have good levels of self esteem, the slights and hurtful things become much less hurtful. I have found that some women, can be a real bitch if they sense that some of their words or actions are capable of getting to you, and some will say the most disgusting shit.
I have been gaslit, she would say some pretty nasty stuff, then say she never said it, and that I was gaslighting her, so I recorded some of her alcohol fuelled rants, she refused to listen to them, but she did at least stop denying that she had let rip with some pretty nasty stuff at me.
Maybe your partner is complacent because you have made them feel fully secure in the relationship, and feel you will be there no matter what? Things changed for me when after a row with my wife, another one in which she threatened to leave, we made up, but I included the statement, "You were right though, we should split if I make you so angry that you say that sort of stuff to me". It totally changed her, until then she had felt confident that she could do or say anything and I would still be there, you have to be prepared to have the opposite reaction though, she might decide to end it there and then, it can be a kill or cure statement to make, so you have to mean it.

 

[ChickenBaltiPie]

You kind of have to mate, there is always a bit of give and take, but if being in a relationship with someone requires you to compromise too much, unless they are changes you kind of want to make, you will end up resenting the other person.
I have been where you are I think, you don't necessarily have to get out, but you do need to ensure you have separated your self esteem from your ego. It can and will bruise your ego when you feel disrespected, but try not to let it bruise your self esteem. If you have good levels of self esteem, the slights and hurtful things become much less hurtful. I have found that some women, can be a real bitch if they sense that some of their words or actions are capable of getting to you, and some will say the most disgusting shit.
I have been gaslit, she would say some pretty nasty stuff, then say she never said it, and that I was gaslighting her, so I recorded some of her alcohol fuelled rants, she refused to listen to them, but she did at least stop denying that she had let rip with some pretty nasty stuff at me.
Maybe your partner is complacent because you have made them feel fully secure in the relationship, and feel you will be there no matter what? Things changed for me when after a row with my wife, another one in which she threatened to leave, we made up, but I included the statement, "You were right though, we should split if I make you so angry that you say that sort of stuff to me". It totally changed her, until then she had felt confident that she could do or say anything and I would still be there, you have to be prepared to have the opposite reaction though, she might decide to end it there and then, it can be a kill or cure statement to make, so you have to mean it.

THANK YOU for taking the time. Really appreciate all of that and sounds very much like you have experienced very similar. Nice to know I’m not alone as stupid as it sounds. Drive myself mental sometimes trying to get her to understand my perspective and always convince myself it’s me that’s failing to articulate myself, or that I’m too sensitive etc etc. I have NO CONTROL over her whatsoever so can only ever find fault in myself and try fix things in myself.

Your comment re self esteem/ego is SPOT ON!! I think I really struggle with that. I always say I have too much ‘self respect’ …I just can’t let some things go because ‘to me’ they’re just so incredibly selfish, and insensitive, and disrespectful. Makes me feel really used sometimes and I just wish I could be more laid back and thicker skinned. I think I might even be the woman in the relationship! haha

I game a little (to be clear I am definitely NOT one of those infuriating men glued to the thing 24/7 paying her no attention!!) …my buddies and I have on occasion a night online. (Poker night.) We all meet up and chat and laugh, have a couple of beers and on one occasion I had my headset on, she had no idea my mic was live and all my mates could hear her come into the room and attack me. They were all stunned and said that she talked to me ‘like a piece of sh!t’ and tbh, although very embarrassing, humiliating situation, I genuinely felt so relieved that I finally had the opinion of others and KNEW(!!) once and for all that I wasn’t going out of mind and I was right to suggest that (although she doesn’t shout/swear, which is stubbornly the ONLY measure of aggression in her mind!) she DOES(!!) speak to me very badly and I am right to tell her that she does, and I’m not a complete daisy!

 

[The Optimist]

‘Kent?’ haha …why Kent?



Haha, I agree, consider the question in regard to any non specific form of salutation to the effect of ‘hello’ or ‘goodnight’ a sufficient example.



Yea, that was deliberate. In the hope of garnering fair, impartial responses.



Yea, that didn’t escape my thinking whilst reading my own post(s), but question is, who’s gaslighting who? The person accusing the other of inconsiderate behaviour or the one accusing the other of unreasonable expectation and overreaction?

I haven’t read the whole thread but on the point of impartial responses I think everyone has agreed with you (and so do I). But, it almost doesn’t matter what is normal to the rest of the world. For whatever reason normal greetings and saying good night doesn’t come naturally to your partner but she doesn’t mean anything by it (at least I hope not!).

Perhaps she grew up in a house where it was normal not to greet each other. I think you can recognise that she does not mean anything bad by it and it just doesn’t come naturally to her. And she should recognise that it’s not unreasonable of you to find it a bit jarring that she doesn’t say hello etc.

If you can both try to understand each other’s point of view it might help.

 

[albionfan37]

Not necessarily in the mornings as we generally have different work hrs but certainly at night I go and see her and grab a kiss n ask about her day. Seems like a natural thing to do to me?

 

[ChickenBaltiPie]

If you can both try to understand each other’s point of view it might help.

BINGO!! That is the dream! I’d take that. FYI I agree with everything else you said and think that is exactly it. Neither one of us had much of a ‘conventional’ upbringing unfortunately and so in a frustrating number of basic issues we are polar opposites!

 

[Nitram]

I apologise for the misassumption. Sounds a right nightmare proved by the poker night. Sounds like you are really trying and not getting much back and are in danger of being gaslighted. Apart from the professional help not sure what else can be done. Good luck and keep up your self esteem.

 

[Baldseagull]

THANK YOU for taking the time. Really appreciate all of that and sounds very much like you have experienced very similar. Nice to know I’m not alone as stupid as it sounds. Drive myself mental sometimes trying to get her to understand my perspective and always convince myself it’s me that’s failing to articulate myself, or that I’m too sensitive etc etc. I have NO CONTROL over her whatsoever so can only ever find fault in myself and try fix things in myself.

Your comment re self esteem/ego is SPOT ON!! I think I really struggle with that. I always say I have too much ‘self respect’ …I just can’t let some things go because ‘to me’ they’re just so incredibly selfish, and insensitive, and disrespectful. Makes me feel really used sometimes and I just wish I could be more laid back and thicker skinned. I think I might even be the woman in the relationship! haha

This isn't a bad thing to do, if you are looking at the right things, but you can't blame yourself for everything, and maybe the only thing wrong you are doing is how you communicate that the little interactions are important to you.
For me, these little interactions are important, if I know she is pissed off, and why, a lack of interaction is expected and understood, if it isn't there and I don't know why, it leaves me wondering, and imagining what is going on with her and how she is feeling. The question is how to go about either getting her to feel they are important too, or gaining the confidence that there is nothing on her mind in some other way.
I used to get greeted with a "glad you are home, you can deal with x, y, z, now, I have had a terrible day" etc. I would respond with something like "give me a ****ing minute, I haven't even got my boots off yet, and my day has been no picnic either" Basically entering into a battle of who had had the toughest day and therefore who deserved ten minutes with a cup of tea at that moment the most. To my wifes credit, she changed this, she just stopped doing that, and started greeting me with a smile and "want a cup of tea? Sit down, I will make it for you" which stunned me the first day that happened, but after that, I really looked forward to getting home, and after a cup of tea, would get on with whatever tasks she had lined up for me happily.
Maybe, if you are usually home first, do something like that, make coming home a moment she looks forward to.

 

[boik]

Oh god!! Don’t go there. I’ve completely given up trying to explain ‘how’ the dishwasher should be loaded so to avoid half of it having to go back in again!! I’m just grateful she loads it at all tbh. (She literally won’t be told ANYTHING! EVER! I sometimes wonder if she thinks I have any sense at all.)

Thank you!

Hang on a minute. Your original post said the you hate her telling you you're wrong about everything, and then you come back with that?

Sounds like you are two of a kind. You can't be in a long term relationship without some compromises along the way and yet you're both unwilling to compromise. Doesn't sound too promising to be honest.

 

[ChickenBaltiPie]

I apologise for the misassumption. Sounds a right nightmare proved by the poker night. Sounds like you are really trying and not getting much back and are in danger of being gaslighted. Apart from the professional help not sure what else can be done. Good luck and keep up your self esteem.

No need to apologise. AT ALL! I apologise, I deliberately mislead you haha. Thanks a lot for the support.

 

[ChickenBaltiPie]

This isn't a bad thing to do, if you are looking at the right things, but you can't blame yourself for everything, and maybe the only thing wrong you are doing is how you communicate that the little interactions are important to you.
For me, these little interactions are important, if I know she is pissed off, and why, a lack of interaction is expected and understood, if it isn't there and I don't know why, it leaves me wondering, and imagining what is going on with her and how she is feeling. The question is how to go about either getting her to feel they are important too, or gaining the confidence that there is nothing on her mind in some other way.
I used to get greeted with a "glad you are home, you can deal with x, y, z, now, I have had a terrible day" etc. I would respond with something like "give me a ****ing minute, I haven't even got my boots off yet, and my day has been no picnic either" Basically entering into a battle of who had had the toughest day and therefore who deserved ten minutes with a cup of tea at that moment the most. To my wifes credit, she changed this, she just stopped doing that, and started greeting me with a smile and "want a cup of tea? Sit down, I will make it for you" which stunned me the first day that happened, but after that, I really looked forward to getting home, and after a cup of tea, would get on with whatever tasks she had lined up for me happily.
Maybe, if you are usually home first, do something like that, make coming home a moment she looks forward to.

Very fair! Interesting. I do things like make her tea, turn on the porch light, put the key in the lock for her, (so she doesn’t have to rummage around in her bag) make a hot water bottle, light a fire, put on the heating, light the room how she prefers, get her a dressing gown etc etc, she doesn’t hold much stock in these things though I don’t think, she just wants to be told she’s beautiful. I dream of coming home to that. I think I expect too much!! I’m actually not well at the minute, I’m really suffering last few days and so spent the day on the sofa alone feeling really low, looking forward to her coming home, and yes, she’d had a hard day (same as the rest of us, we all work hard) and it was quite the anticlimax to say the least and so was magnified but she’ll more often than not go to bed without saying goodnight so it’s not that I kicked off over the very first occurrence. It was just the straw that broke the camel last night. I’m a big guy, with a big voice, I work in a very corporate environment where feedback is nonstop, but even when I try so dam hard to speak to her calmly and with respect it’s ALWAYS an overreaction in her eyes to even mention these things so I’ve lost before we’ve even begun. I’m NOT perfect, my communication is abrupt, and abrasive at times, I’m aware of it, I’ve accepted it and I’m working on it, but she is beyond reproach in every way. She genuinely thinks I should just accept what I think are incredibly basic, quite hurtful things without any complaint, no matter how I go about it and I’ve noticed if she is in the wrong, the argument will ALWAYS switch to ‘how’ I express myself and NEVER what she said/did to trigger my complaint. You can’t win!

Well done you though for working it out with your misses. Admirable. Sounds like a pretty common challenge when you put it like that.

 

[ChickenBaltiPie]

Hang on a minute. Your original post said the you hate her telling you you're wrong about everything, and then you come back with that?

Sounds like you are two of a kind. You can't be in a long term relationship without some compromises along the way and yet you're both unwilling to compromise. Doesn't sound too promising to be honest.

I agree with you completely and aim to compromise constantly, but her idea of compromise is not to engage with her re my feelings about anything and just accept her point of view and her inconsiderate actions re everything, so there is no compromise on her part is my point. I can’t express my feelings about ‘what I think’ is right and wrong, because I’m always wrong. My point of view is WRONG, the fact I raise it is WRONG, the way in which I raise it is WRONG! To use the fncking dishwasher as an example haha, I compromised re the dishwasher…I don’t say a thing about it any longer haha, she loads it however she likes and I just take care of the aftermath, isn’t that compromise?! haha (that’s just one very small example of a LOT of compromises I make, big and small.)

My point was, she doesn’t say hello/goodnight, I complain, I’m wrong! I don’t think I’m wrong and tbh, very simply, it hurts my bloody feelings, I want to be able to tell her that and have her understand, without telling me I’m wrong and I’m glad to see that I’m not INSANE and the overwhelming majority would like basic salutations from their partner because she is very convincing and makes me feel needy!

Oh Fnck It! You’re right. I’ll pack her stuff!

 

[Mackenzie]

I agree with you completely and aim to compromise constantly, but her idea of compromise is not to engage with her re my feelings about anything and just accept her point of view and her inconsiderate actions re everything, so there is no compromise on her part is my point. I can’t express my feelings about ‘what I think’ is right and wrong, because I’m always wrong. My point of view is WRONG, the fact I raise it is WRONG, the way in which I raise it is WRONG! To use the fncking dishwasher as an example haha, I compromised re the dishwasher…I don’t say a thing about it any longer haha, she loads it however she likes and I just take care of the aftermath, isn’t that compromise?! haha (that’s just one very small example of a LOT of compromises I make, big and small.)

My point was, she doesn’t say hello/goodnight, I complain, I’m wrong! I don’t think I’m wrong and tbh, very simply, it hurts my bloody feelings, I want to be able to tell her that and have her understand, without telling me I’m wrong and I’m glad to see that I’m not INSANE and the overwhelming majority would like basic salutations from their partner because she is very convincing and makes me feel needy!

Oh Fnck It! You’re right. I’ll pack her stuff!

I’d show her the result of the poll which pretty conclusively shows that she is WRONG.

Good luck fella,

 

[B-right-on]

I've got a friend who is a counsellor and I remember chatting with him a while ago and he was expressing his frustration at some couples where one is totally willing to sort things out, realise that it 'takes 2 to tango' and they are willing to change and give it a go.

The other half won't see anything they are doing wrong, see fault is entirely in the other persons actions and refuse to concede that they have any responsibility for the situation the relationship is in.

He was saying that there's literally nothing he can do to those kind of people who point blank refuse to change their mind.

So he said the other partner has 2 choices, realise that the other half is like that, accept it and live with it (especially if kids are involved), or leave.

Might be an idea to suggest / get counselling and see where it goes.