[Humour] Your best Karma stories

[Shropshire Seagull]

I have a karma on hold.

42 years ago ... I went to a party and someone, whose name I subsequently found out, thought it was a great laugh to piss in my moped's petrol tank. Five miles down the road it conked-out and I had to push it the rest of the way home.
Been waiting for my opportunity ever since - not that I carry a grudge, you understand - but that lad [now Chap] needs to be krma'd (is that an okay verb?)

 

[el punal]

This story goes back to the 1980s. At the time I worked for an international drinks company. As promotions manager my remit was to lead a team to promote one of our products to British holidaymakers in Spain. This involved booking up bars and clubs to hold party nights highlighting the drink and then taking the team of four girls and four blokes to carry out these promotions.

Prior to leaving the U.K. we had a team briefing to ensure that everyone was aware of what to expect. My boss, who was a sexist, narcissistic tw*t of the first order, told the girls that if a club/bar owner fancied them they should succumb to his desires and get laid. All in the name of ensuring that as a company using their facilities we should be seen to be “generous”. Needless to say the girls were horrified, and so were us blokes.

After a couple of weeks, with the promotion drive going along swimmingly, tw*t boss turns up. That night he goes to one of the venues where a promotion is taking and gets pissed. Not only that but he starts chatting up a really attractive girl at the bar. One thing leads to another and they leave for a bit of rumpy pumpy.

Here’s the good bit. The club owner has been watching what’s been going on and tells one of our promotion girls. Trying not to laugh he tells her that “the really attractive girl” is a bloke, a transvestite no less. The next morning at breakfast tw*t boss appears, looking very sheepish, and tells everyone that he got mugged and had his wallet stolen the previous night. What he was about to find out was that everyone knew what had really happened and without further ado, and in total embarrassment, caught the next flight home.

 

[schmunk]

stayed overnight in an oppo's house in plymouth, him and his missus asked me to pop to the shop to get some beer, i duly obliged. i (which was not very often) didn't fancy a drink so i purchased myself some freshly squeezed orange juice (large cartons x 2). i went for a dump upon my return. when i came out of the bog they giggled and said that phil had seen off both of the orange juice cartons. i then had to have beer instead. karma = he shat the bed, too much orange juice, his missus was a little loud running around his house covered in shite.

You stayed at someone's house.

Whilst there, in the time it took for you to go to the toilet, as a prank he drank TWO LITRES of your orange juice...?

Errrr...?

 

[Hampden Park]

You stayed at someone's house.

Whilst there, in the time it took for you to go to the toilet, as a prank he drank TWO LITRES of your orange juice...?

Errrr...?

twas a long shite

 

[LlcoolJ]

Had a bloke in court once for domestic assault. He looked a bit worse for wear and it turned out his ex-girlfriend's big brother was serving member of the Parachute regiment who'd "had a word".

.

An ex of mine went out with a bloke years earlier who was a proper evil scumbag. Beat her up on numerous occasions, all sorts of other stuff too numerous and horrible to mention. Had heard that he had descended into drugs and was on crack etc (which pleased me). However, more amusing was when he turned up one day at our local boozer. A mate of mine recognised him, and he did look a right state to be fair. Not as much of a state as when he left though, having had a proper kicking from about 5 blokes and being thrown head first out of the pub into the street....... Karma indeed.

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

I'll start this one by saying I am not violent in the SLIGHTEST. I'm not sure I've ever hit someone in my life, genuinely and really can't stand anyone who offers up a fight.

However, when I was 12 or so, our new football manager was an ARSE. We were rubbish and simply were a team to play football. Winning would have been nice but it was all about having fun (how it should be).

Our saturday training, which used to be a fun morning of games and a match turned into running MILES, press ups and constant bullying by this bloke. He was HORRIBLE and would mock mistakes.

When he EVENTUALLY let us play a game I'd had enough of him mocking me (I was rubbish and knew it already). The ball went to his feet and I went studs up on his ankles. Genuine anger on my part.

I still remember him on the floor crying and it makes me smile.

 

[LlcoolJ]

One night after work maybe about 10 years ago, the trains in London were all being cancelled (I can't remember which reason of the many choices it was). At Victoria, the concourse was full, the trains were rare. So if you saw one going in your general direction, it was advisable to squeeze on. My rare train was announced, which saw scenes befitting the start of a Primark sale on Oxford Street. Manners went out the window as it was every person for themselves. In front of me was a pushy type (literally), so I was delighted when his mobile got knocked out of his hand by someone's bag, across the edge of the platform and went under said train! So he couldn't get on, and would have to wait to get his phone back. Oh, and have to wait ages for the next train. Lovely stuff.

Train ones are good. Me and the Mrs once bailed out of a holiday in Tunisia because the weather was crap and we'd exhausted everything to do in the area. So we got the train up through the country to Tunis and spent a couple of days there before flying back. But seeing as the only flight we could get was to Heathrow and our car was in Manchester, we had to get the train back up to Sheffield and then go pick it up the next day.

So after lugging our bags on the packed tube to Kings Cross we got on the Sheffield train only to find it was totally rammed. It was quite late and we were knackered so I had a look in First Class to see if it was worth upgrading. But First was also totally full so we managed to find a decent space next to the buffet car and were comfy enough sat on our bags within easy reach of overpriced booze. A few others had made the same decision and it wasn't too bad.

As the train was due to set off, a bloke in a suit got on a carriage back, you could hear him from where we were..."Get out of my way, I need to get to first class. I have a ticket, let me through!!".

He was almost shoving people over trying to get through and we took great delight in politely standing up, smiling and moving out of his way as he came past us, muttering and red faced. Of course, about a minute later, the BELLEND had realised there was no space in First and came meekly walking back through the carriages with his head down as everyone laughed.

I hope he enjoyed his First class priced journey, stood up with a train full of people chuckling about him. The DICK.

 

[DavidRyder]

Train ones are good. Me and the Mrs once bailed out of a holiday in Tunisia because the weather was crap and we'd exhausted everything to do in the area. So we got the train up through the country to Tunis and spent a couple of days there before flying back. But seeing as the only flight we could get was to Heathrow and our car was in Manchester, we had to get the train back up to Sheffield and then go pick it up the next day.

So after lugging our bags on the packed tube to Kings Cross we got on the Sheffield train only to find it was totally rammed. It was quite late and we were knackered so I had a look in First Class to see if it was worth upgrading. But First was also totally full so we managed to find a decent space next to the buffet car and were comfy enough sat on our bags within easy reach of overpriced booze. A few others had made the same decision and it wasn't too bad.

As the train was due to set off, a bloke in a suit got on a carriage back, you could hear him from where we were..."Get out of my way, I need to get to first class. I have a ticket, let me through!!".

He was almost shoving people over trying to get through and we took great delight in politely standing up, smiling and moving out of his way as he came past us, muttering and red faced. Of course, about a minute later, the BELLEND had realised there was no space in First and came meekly walking back through the carriages with his head down as everyone laughed.

I hope he enjoyed his First class priced journey, stood up with a train full of people chuckling about him. The DICK.

He'd probably have found that not a single person in that First Class carriage had the correct ticket! One reason I'd never buy a First Class ticket is because of this. I just couldn't bring myself to stand there and say 'I've paid for First Class, can I have someone's seat pls?'!

 

[fly high]

A couple of weeks back (Sat 9th) I was going to the supermarket to do my early morning shop & decided I needed some cash from the cash points outside. As I was approaching them I could see a father & son heading to the same place from another direction, the son was closer to the first point but I was slightly ahead of them to get to the second point, the father looked straight at me & put of a spurt to make sure he got there first. I looked across & saw the son was wearing a Palace shirt, they got their cash & headed back to their car, obviously off to the match. I thought how typical, then wished them a miserable afternoon & depressing drive home. Thank you Glenn & Anthony, made the win even sweeter.

 

[aftershavedave]

On the train some while back, rammed as usual, with people standing, there was one odious man with his case taking up a seat next to him. Obviously no one wanted a confrontation with him, he looked a HB&B type. I picked up his case, put it in the rack above his head and offered the seat. He was very unimpressed but the glances of appreciation said it all. Eventually I got to use the seat from HH. How very delightful that as we pulled in to Brighton the train jerked and his case fell down onto his head. Much merriment and fabulous karma all round!

 

[Durlston]

I was bullied by a kid for 5 years at school. He made my life a living hell.

a few years after finishing school, I saw him running for a bus and missing it.

Karma is sweet.

If only he'd run in front of it to stop the driver..........

 

[el punal]

Some time ago I had to catch a flight from Malaga back to the U.K. The particular airline company was Spanish as were the cabin crew. The passengers were a mix of business people and holidaymakers. As we were boarding, in fact I was comfortably in my seat, there was a bit of drama down the aisle not far from me.

It turned out that an obnoxious English bloke, a holidaymaker no less, was kicking off that someone was in his seat. When a charming stewardess tried to resolve the situation he just insulted her - “Don’t you understand English? Look! Look!” - he spluttered, thrusting his boarding pass in her face. The smug b*stard was then looking around for approval for his outburst. The young lady then looked him in the eye. She looked at the boarding pass and calmly, in perfect English, said in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear - “Sir, that is the flight number. Your seat number is this.” - indicating to the information on the rest of boarding pass.

The idiot, with head down in abject embarrassment, made his way further down the aisle to the correct seat - a walk of shame if you will.

 

[rippleman]

That nasty piece of work Ashwin "mankading" Buttler on Monday because his bowlers couldnt get him out any other way.

Yesterday Andre Russell clean bowled on 3 but no ball as Ashwin hadn't ensured that he had the requisite number of fielders in the circle! Russell went on to score 48 off 17 helping KKR to easily win the game.

 

[smudge]

twas a long shite

You literally are "shit dits" Foxy!

 

[Hampden Park]

You literally are "shit dits" Foxy!

cheers shipmate, that's the nicest thing you have said to me in years

 

[smudge]

This is very harsh I know; from my Navy Days.
As a gift prior to joining up in 78 I was given a Philishave electric razor by my Mum. After training I was drafted to HMS Osprey & was living in one of the blocks on Portland. One day I left my razor in the bathroom, went back to get it & it was gone. There was one guy in there who said he hadn't seen it.
The next day, when I was in the bathroom scraping my young boat race with a BIC special, this guy from the day before starts shaving with a Philishave razor, my ****er!
Of course he said it was his, & even though everybody believed me, this cocksure bell-end just brazened it out.

When the Falklands happened he was on HMS Glamorgan, hiding under the helicopter when it suffered a direct hit.

Harsh I know, but no one in the Navy likes a tea leaf!

 

[Blue3]

Some of the karma stories on here are a bit disturbing to say the least, I was expecting next doors cat shat in the garden so you did the same in next doors garden and not the so happy when their intestines were last seen splattered up the wall.

 

[Baldseagull]

Another train journey story, but bit of a reverse as I got what I deserved. On the way back from a match with my then 16yr old son, after staying for too many post match drinks, he and I got into a bit of an argument on the train, over my drinking too much and topics of conversation when drunk. I told son to eff off, he went and sat a few seats away and, I am told, later waved at me and smiled as he got off at our stop, Three Bridges, and left me drunkenly snoozing all the way to Victoria.
I imagine if I had done this to HWT or Smudge the train would have had to have been derailed and killed me near East Croydon for proper Karma.

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

On arriving at my first posting in Aldershot after basic training I'd been told we could bring cars (something we couldn't do in basic) and as I lived in Horsham I thought it a good idea to do so. After a couple of weeks there was a spate of break ins and someone had smashed my car window and lifted my radio / cassette job.

A couple of days later the Police left a message to say they'd recovered a load of gear and my radio was amongst it. When I went to collect it I was told the two lads responsible were caught and, I guessed, on bail. Only problem was a night or so before they'd driven away from a burglary and rammed their car into a tree killing them both instantly.

There are a couple of other incidents where people that have wronged me have come a cropper but I'll leave that for another day.

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

Another train journey story, but bit of a reverse as I got what I deserved. On the way back from a match with my then 16yr old son, after staying for too many post match drinks, he and I got into a bit of an argument on the train, over my drinking too much and topics of conversation when drunk. I told son to eff off, he went and sat a few seats away and, I am told, later waved at me and smiled as he got off at our stop, Three Bridges, and left me drunkenly snoozing all the way to Victoria.
I imagine if I had done this to HWT or Smudge the train would have had to have been derailed and killed me near East Croydon for proper Karma.

Similar story, recently a guy jumped on the train at Victoria and looked at myself and a few mates and said curtly "Where do you get off?" "Arundel", "Horsham" etc came the replies. "Right" said the guy "wake me at Horsham". Just as we'd estimated the beep beep to close the doors would start my mate shook him and shouted "Horsham mate", up he stumbled and just made the platform as the doors closed ..... at Crawley!