Wedding Speech one-liners...

[Easy 10]

OK, just over a week till The Big Day, and I'm now penning my speech. I've got a couple of ideas knocking around, but wondered if anyone's got any decent one-liners I can SLIP IN there. Here's a couple I've trawled up which I might or might not use:

"There is one man I havn't mentioned yet, but without whom I can honestly say I would not have been here today. So can I take this opportunity to say a heartfelt thanks to the taxi driver, Derek."

"At this point ladies and gentlemen, can I ask that we have a few moments silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns and 88 chickens who selflessly gave their lives to make this dinner possible..."

"And now I'll hand you over to my Best Man. I've heard it said that being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen - its a great honour, but nobody really wants to do it."


....dunno, bit lame arn't they ? Over to the razor-sharp WITS of NSC to help me come up with some pearlers so I don't die on my arse.

 

[Marshy]

I remember the first time (insert wifes name) and I dated. When I arrived at the house, her father said she was just putting the finishing touches to her make-up and would be down presently. Then he added, "Fancy a game of chess while you're waiting?

 

[Easy 10]

Nice one Marshy...thats EXACTLY the kind of thing I'm after. These ones in books are rubbish really.

 

[Everest]

Hello - can you hear me in the back? Good. Then could you make yourself useful and order me another pint.

I was told, "the ideal length of the speech should be no longer than it takes me to make love". So I shouldn't be up here for more than 30 seconds.

 

[Simster]

I couldn't have asked for two better parents-in-law than the ones I now affectionately know as TopMum and TopDad.

Nonetheless, I didn't actually ask, so I'll just have to make do with these two instead. *points*

But hey, they paid for today so they can't be all that bad. *cheeky Easy 10 wink*

 

[Stinky Kat]

Snap an ariel off a car (at the scrap yard).

When you stand up to make your speech take it out of your jacket pocket and extend it.

This is where the timing comes in, wait, wait a bit longer, then extend the ariel and say I brought this along to make sure we get a good reception.

 

[Simster]

I remember the first time (insert wifes name) and I dated. When I arrived at the house, her father said she was just putting the finishing touches to her make-up and would be down presently. Then he added, "Fancy a game of chess while you're waiting?

That more or less actually happened to me - and I used it in my own speech!

 

[Hiney]

I've had a wonderful day - but this wasn't it

Boom Boom

 

[Everest]

Don't forget the toasts,

My wife knows all about me and loves me just the same.

Thanks to the bridesmaids..... thanks to the bridesmaids I had a great night last night. (better not)

 

[Parson Henry]

Snap an ariel off a car (at the scrap yard).

When you stand up to make your speech take it out of your jacket pocket and extend it.

This is where the timing comes in, wait, wait a bit longer, then extend the ariel and say I brought this along to make sure we get a good reception.

Or I remember a spectacular love affair between two TV ariels. Met on a roof, a whirlwind affair, decided to tie the knot. Wedding was a bit drab but the 'reception' was brilliant.

 

[kalinski]

i think i used a couple of web sites that talked about speeches. but in the main i kept my speech to thanking people and left the funnies to my best man.

remember you have to give gifts out

http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/examples/index.asp

http://www.confetti.co.uk/weddings/advice_ideas/speeches/default.asp

good luck!

 

[king Wombat]

theres a couple of good websites on wedding speeches which should give you some material.

heres a couple of good ones I used (succesfully!)


"I'm glad to say that 'Brides' cooking has improved. I'm not saying that she was bad before but we were the only couple in Brighton who prayed After the meal.'



Bit longer this one but if you get the delivery right, goes down an absolute storm.

Go on about how your life was influenced by one main character ie build it up) then say 'I am of course talking about the only man who could fill such a role model - Homer Simpson'

Homer. when asked about his views on marriage relplied with the immortal words

"Marriage is alot like being married to your best friend. And you get to play with his boobs"..

 

[Easy 10]

good stuff peeps. Knew I could rely on you lot

 

[Parson Henry]

i think i used a couple of web sites that talked about speeches. but in the main i kept my speech to thanking people and left the funnies to my best man.

remember you have to give gifts out

http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/examples/index.asp

http://www.confetti.co.uk/weddings/advice_ideas/speeches/default.asp

good luck!

A useful stunt is to have a stooge at the reception and to stutter and stumble over a concluding comment of a sentence during which time the 'stooge' would pipe in with an amusing replacement word or phrase.

E.G

...the thing about the vietnamese pot bellied pig is that the more I looked at it the more it resembled..erm erm erm ..stutter and stumble


Stooge: 'Name of Wife,,,Mother-in Law'

Can work well with good material, practice and timing.

 

[Rusco]

theres a couple of good websites on wedding speeches which should give you some material.

heres a couple of good ones I used (succesfully!)


"I'm glad to say that 'Brides' cooking has improved. I'm not saying that she was bad before but we were the only couple in Brighton who prayed After the meal.'


I like

"I'm not saying my wifes cooking is getting worse, but the other night I gave a tit bit to the dog and he immediately licked her arse to get rid of the taste !

 

[Artois]

Tell THAT joke that ends "Your Dad's knob tastes funny".

 

[Hiney]

Don't forget to apologise to everyone for releasing 2 more Mother-in-Laws into the world

 

[KNC]

Towards end of speech. ' Well I cant wait to get **** home, so I can rip her drawers off.............. (much pulling of crutch, wincing), cos' they're killing me!! Boom Boom

 

[The Large One]

When you stand up, you could get a couple of reams of A4 paper, or one of those od computer print out binders, plonk them on the table, and start 'I am a bit nervous, so I have just prepared a few notes...'


'Ladies & gentlemen, thank you for coming. For those who have not met her, this is my first wife...'

'So when we booked the honeymoon hotel, the receptionist said, 'do you want the bridal?' and I said 'no, I'll just hang on until I get used to it...'

Of course, Easy - you always wanted to ride a Rider.

 

[Exmouth Seagull]

Heres a good one with a football connection;

I was best man at a wedding in June for a bloke that works in Tescos. When reading out the telegrams etc. put in a card you wrote out yourself earlier, and it should go roughly like this;

'...and heres a message we have received from the Tesco football team.....(pause-everybody looks surprised and wonders what the message will be).......We have tried Phil in every position.... and found him to be absolutely useless.....Hope Sandy has more luck...Congratulations'

Obviously you need to modify the name of the football team to suit your Groom. Went down a treat during my speech.