Wedding Speech one-liners...

[Scarface]

You could always use the old Alan Partridge gag:

Look like your out of breath and say 'Sorry I took so long, but I just popped to the gents. While I was in there I saw a bit of graffiti that said: "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"! Straight away you've got them by the jaffers!

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

'Weddings are emotional occasions - even the cake is in tiers'

It's bad but you have to remember the old folk in the audience who like jokes like that.

And it's more appropriate than 'Why do brides wear white? So they match all of the other domestic appliances'

 

[bhaexpress]

Slightly off topic I know but I've just realised that yesterday would have been my Silver Wedding anniversary ! (Next week will be my second although it won't be celebrated on either side of the Atlantic).

 

[Harty]

I can remember when (insert groom or best man's name) had girls chasing him through Churchill Square......then he gave up handbag snatching.

A missing guest today is John Smith, friend of the bride's father, who has stayed away after being struck off for making love to one of his patients, which is a shame because he has been the family's vet for over 15 years.

 

[Bakesy]

See you all again in a few years time!!!

 

[Marc]

Thankyou to everyone for turning up today, to those who are seeing me get married for a 5th time theres an extra pint at the bar for you to say thanks for turning up again!

 

[Thimble Keegan]

Adapted from what Harty says on the radio but the wife could be introduced as "your current wife".

I heard a good line at a wedding the other day and the best man said: "I am here to make this the most uncomfortable few minutes of NAME OF GROOM 's life, the most uncomfortable few minutes of NAME OF BRIDE's life will come later on this evening..." If delivered right it will be quality.

Albion & England forever.

Thimble Keegan
Worthing BHA

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

Speech: "After the last wedding I went to, I asked [insert name of any under 5 relative] what they thought. I must of missed the best part coz (s)he said; the church bit was a bit boring but the conception afterwards was brilliant!"

Subtle play on words should get a titter.

Easy - please tell us all what you DID end up saying ....

 

[WASH]

What about using the line : What's the definition of mixed emotions? Seeing your mother-in-law reverse of a cliff in your brand new car!!

 

[El Presidente]

My father in law was told that the secret of a good marriage was to be a chef in the bedroom and a whore in the bathroom.

It was not until three years after the wedding that my mother in law politely brought up in conversation that she really enjoyed his lasagne, but was still a little confused as to why he dressed up as Blakey from On The Buses every Thursday night

 

[Stumpy Tim]

I've got a year to do my best mans speech for my brother. I'm nervous even thinking about it

 

[¡Cereal Killer!]

4 pints of Milk
Eggs
toothpaste
Pack of condoms
(look at small piece of paper in your hand with a confused look and say "SHIT wrong bit of paper (or whatever you wanna call it)"

 

[Easy 10]

There's definately some material here I'll be using, thanks peeps. I'll be sure to credit those who's jokes I've nicked.

 

[Marshy]

Heres a good one with a football connection;

I was best man at a wedding in June for a bloke that works in Tescos. When reading out the telegrams etc. put in a card you wrote out yourself earlier, and it should go roughly like this;

'...and heres a message we have received from the Tesco football team.....(pause-everybody looks surprised and wonders what the message will be).......We have tried Phil in every position.... and found him to be absolutely useless.....Hope Sandy has more luck...Congratulations'

Obviously you need to modify the name of the football team to suit your Groom. Went down a treat during my speech.

My bastard of a best man used that one on me, and yes it went down very well.

 

[jonogulls]

The old best man one:

Give out a load of keys to some of the blokes at the do before hand and tell them to keep hush. When it comes to it, say that 'I know that <bride> likes her men; so much so that she gives a key to her flat to anyone who's been there before. The groom wants an armistice, a fresh start to return the keys before they are married etc......' (obviously delivered more succintly than that).

All the blokes will come up with the keys. Give one to the groom's dad, some pissed up uncles, a woman and a little kid for comedy effect.

 

[Soton Seagull]

My favourite, get the 'hats' going 'ahhhh' and the lads sniggering:

I'd like to thank (insert brides name) for making my day today and tonight I hope to make her whole week

(See what I did there?!)

 

[Barnet Seagull]

I've got a best man's speech to write before next Friday. I'll probably start this weekend. Nice timely thread.

 

[seagull over sevenoaks]

Heres a good one with a football connection;

I was best man at a wedding in June for a bloke that works in Tescos. When reading out the telegrams etc. put in a card you wrote out yourself earlier, and it should go roughly like this;

'...and heres a message we have received from the Tesco football team.....(pause-everybody looks surprised and wonders what the message will be).......We have tried Phil in every position.... and found him to be absolutely useless.....Hope Sandy has more luck...Congratulations'

Obviously you need to modify the name of the football team to suit your Groom. Went down a treat during my speech.

At mine there was a card saying "wishing you all the best in your married life, hope its a little more straight forward than ours. Lots of love Uncle Derek and Auntie Steve"

Which went down quite well, my best man did a great speech opening with;

"Apologies if this speech seems a little rushed, but I'm just a late stand-in. David Beckham was performing Best Man duties, but phoned a short while ago to say he was stuck in Victoria.."

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

The old best man one:

Give out a load of keys to some of the blokes at the do before hand and tell them to keep hush. When it comes to it, say that 'I know that <bride> likes her men; so much so that she gives a key to her flat to anyone who's been there before. The groom wants an armistice, a fresh start to return the keys before they are married etc......' (obviously delivered more succintly than that).

All the blokes will come up with the keys. Give one to the groom's dad, some pissed up uncles, a woman and a little kid for comedy effect.

Saw this at a wedding the other week but for the groom. They got this old woman of at least 90 to shuffle up at the end on her zimmer. Raised a big laugh and the old dear looked very pleased with herself too!!!

 

[FamilyGuy]

The old best man one:

Give out a load of keys to some of the blokes at the do before hand and tell them to keep hush. When it comes to it, say that 'I know that <bride> likes her men; so much so that she gives a key to her flat to anyone who's been there before. The groom wants an armistice, a fresh start to return the keys before they are married etc......' (obviously delivered more succintly than that).

All the blokes will come up with the keys. Give one to the groom's dad, some pissed up uncles, a woman and a little kid for comedy effect.

My wife's cousin (Janice) did this - so i waited for all the key holders to sit down again and then went to the front and picked up a key, winked at the bride and said "same night as usual Janice"?? - completely unplanned and went down a storm !