Tipping in the States

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

If the boss's credit card is behind the bar you just order another drink. Simple.

Yeah, cos that's always going to go down well

At best you end up looking like some kind of alkie, at worst, everybody else who has similarly been holding back suddenly downs their drink and says 'while you're up there...'

 

[Easy 10]

WAITRESS
Here ya go. Please pay at the
register, if you wouldn't mind.

JOE
Sure thing.

WAITRESS
You guys have a wonderful day.

They all mutter equivalents. She exits and Joe stands up.

JOE
I'll take care of this, you guys
leave the tip.
(to Mr. White)
And when I come back, I want my
book back.

MR. WHITE
Sorry, it's my book now.

JOE
Blonde, shoot this piece of shit,
will ya?

Mr. Blonde shoots Mr. White with his finger. Mr White
acts shot. Joe exits.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Okay, everybody cough up green for
the little lady.

Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table.
Everybody, that is, except Mr. White.

NICE GUY EDDIE
C'mon, throw in a buck.

MR. WHITE
Uh-uh. I don't tip.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Whaddaya mean you don't tip?

MR. WHITE
I don't believe in it.

NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?

MR. PINK
(laughing)
I love this kid, he's a madman,
this guy.

MR. BLONDE
Do you have any idea what these
ladies make? They make shit.

MR. WHITE
Don't give me that. She don't
make enough money, she can quit.

Everybody laughs.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I don't even know a Jew who'd have
the balls to say that. So let's
get this straight. You never ever
tip?

MR. WHITE
I don't tip because society says I
gotta. I tip when somebody
deserves a tip. When somebody
really puts forth an effort, they
deserve a little something extra.
But this tipping automatically,
that shit's for the birds. As far
as I'm concerned, they're just
doin their job.

MR. BLUE
Our girl was nice.

MR. WHITE
Our girl was okay. She didn't do
anything special.

MR. BLONDE
What's something special, take ya
in the kitchen and suck your dick?

They all laugh.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I'd go over twelve percent for
that.

MR. WRITE
Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've
been here a long ****in time, and
she's only filled my cup three
times. When I order coffee, I
want it filled six times.

MR. BLONDE
What if she's too busy?

MR. WHITE
The words "too busy" shouldn't be
in a waitress's vocabulary.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last
thing you need is another cup of
coffee.

They all laugh.

MR. WHITE
These ladies aren't starvin to
death. They make minimum wage.
When I worked for minimum wage, I
wasn't lucky enough to have a job
that society deemed tipworthy.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Ahh, now we're getting down to it.
It's not just that he's a cheap
*******--

MR. ORANGE
--It is that too--

NICE GUY EDDIE
--It is that too. But it's also
he couldn't get a waiter job. You
talk like a pissed off dishwasher:
"**** those ***** and their
****ing tips."

MR. BLONDE
So you don't care that they're
counting on your tip to live?

Mr. White rubs two of his fingers together.

MR. WHITE
Do you know what this is? It's
the world's smallest violin,
playing just for the waitresses.

MR. BLONDE
You don't have any idea what
you're talking about. These
people bust their ass. This
is a hard job.

MR. WHITE
So's working at McDonald's, but
you don't feel the need to tip
them. They're servin ya food, you
should tip em. But no, society
says tip these guys over here, but
not those guys over there. That's
bullshit.

MR. ORANGE
They work harder than the kids at
McDonald's.

MR. WHITE
Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning
fryers.

MR. BROWN
These people are taxed on the tips
they make. When you stiff 'em,
you cost them money.

MR. BLONDE
Waitressing is the number one
occupation for female non-college
graduates in this country. It's
the one jab basically any woman
can get, and make a living on.
The reason is because of tips.

MR. WHITE
**** all that.

They all laugh.

MR. WHITE
Hey, I'm very sorry that the
government taxes their tips.
That's ****ed up. But that ain't
my fault. it would appear that
waitresses are just one of the
many groups the government ****s
in the ass on a regular basis.
You show me a paper says the
government shouldn't do that, I'll
sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll
vote for it. But what I won't do
is play ball. And this non-
college bullshit you're telling
me, I got two words for that:
"Learn to ****in type." Cause if
you're expecting me to help out
with the rent, you're in for a big
****in surprise.

MR. ORANGE
He's convinced me. Give me my
dollar back.

Everybody laughs. Joe's comes back to the table.

JOE
Okay ramblers, let's get to
rambling. Wait a minute, who
didn't throw in?

MR. ORANGE
Mr. White.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Mr. White?
(to Mr. White)
Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't tip?
(to Mr. White)
You don't tip? Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't believe in it?
(to Mr. White)
You don't believe in it?

MR. ORANGE
Nope.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Shut up!
(to Mr. White)
Cough up the buck, ya cheap
*******, I paid for your goddamn
breakfast.

MR. WHITE
Because you paid for the
breakfast, I'm gonna tip.
Normally I wouldn't.

JOE
Whatever. Just throw in your
dollar, and let's move.
(to Mr. Blonde)
See what I'm dealing with here.
Infants. I'm ****in dealin with
infants.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

 

[dazzer6666]

Yeah, cos that's always going to go down well

At best you end up looking like some kind of alkie, at worst, everybody else who has similarly been holding back suddenly downs their drink and says 'while you're up there...'

You need to get a new boss. Works fine with mine, or when I am the boss.......

 

[Vicar!]

I find, particuarly in Brooklyn, if I tip a $1 a beer the barman will often buy one back for you if stay a while. Indeed one trip, first time I walked up to the bar the barmaid on hearing my accent bought me a drink. It was a long session.

 

[Trufflehound]

I find, particuarly in Brooklyn, if I tip a $1 a beer the barman will often buy one back for you if stay a while. Indeed one trip, first time I walked up to the bar the barmaid on hearing my accent bought me a drink. It was a long session.

I think Brooklyn may just be like that (unless we're both talking about the same Irish bar). Bought two rounds, third round was on the house. Bought two more rounds, third one was on the house. When we asked the landlord why he was being so generous with his beverages to two complete strangers, he just replied "Because that's the kind of people we are."

Trouble is, we were so pissed by the time we eventually left, there's no way I could ever find that place again.

 

[BigGully]

Obvious, but even worse is the person/couple who count out the cash for EXACTLY what they had.........'we didn't have a dessert, here's our £43.57'

Aaaah yes, the 'f*****g wife calculator' ........ I hate her.

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

NYC restaurant chain eliminates tipping - step in the right direction?

 

[ditchy]

I find, particuarly in Brooklyn, if I tip a $1 a beer the barman will often buy one back for you if stay a while. Indeed one trip, first time I walked up to the bar the barmaid on hearing my accent bought me a drink. It was a long session.

Try that in Manhattan it dosent work lol

 

[Springal]

Work trip to San Francisco in a few weeks. Always awkward with the one tight wad who refuses to tip the bar staff meaning we get a bit of attitude and have to move on..

 

[severnside gull]

Had breakfast in Hells Kitchen a couple of years back. Sent the food back to the kitchen three times. I mean this is New York and they couldn't do French toast and bacon! Second time I told the waitress I wouldn't tip her if it still came back crap but when I finally walked out without tipping she literally chased down the street after me screaming blue murder. Funny take on standards really in what is generally a country I use as an example of positive customer care

 

[Birdie Boy]

Had breakfast in Hells Kitchen a couple of years back. Sent the food back to the kitchen three times. I mean this is New York and they couldn't do French toast and bacon! Second time I told the waitress I wouldn't tip her if it still came back crap but when I finally walked out without tipping she literally chased down the street after me screaming blue murder. Funny take on standards really in what is generally a country I use as an example of positive customer care

I looked for that last year but couldn't find it. I was in the Hells Kitchen area where the Sunday flea market is. Is that close by? I was recommended the French toast but hey ho.

 

[Questions]

Just got back from New York and the only real problem we had was with the Mexican shuttle bus driver who refused our pre-paid booking forn and made us pay again for the trip to the hotel - called every other road user a mother****er and several times nearly killed us - and then moaned that the tip wasn't big enough. Lucky he got anything to be honest the prick.

 

[Questions]

NYC restaurant chain eliminates tipping - step in the right direction?

That's weird ......I went in the Gramercy tavern as it was round the corner from us. Nice friendly barmaid in there.

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

Just got back from New York and the only real problem we had was with the Mexican shuttle bus driver who refused our pre-paid booking forn and made us pay again for the trip to the hotel - called every other road user a mother****er and several times nearly killed us - and then moaned that the tip wasn't big enough. Lucky he got anything to be honest the prick.

Welcome to New York !!

 

[severnside gull]

I looked for that last year but couldn't find it. I was in the Hells Kitchen area where the Sunday flea market is. Is that close by? I was recommended the French toast but hey ho.

It's on the corner right by the costume jewellery part of the flea market. Normally fantastic food - best French toast anywhere and I've been many times - but either caught them on a morning when the cook didn't turn up or (as I suspected) the kitchen and serving staff decided to take the piss out of the Limey.

 

[Birdie Boy]

It's on the corner right by the costume jewellery part of the flea market. Normally fantastic food - best French toast anywhere and I've been many times - but either caught them on a morning when the cook didn't turn up or (as I suspected) the kitchen and serving staff decided to take the piss out of the Limey.

Thx. My missus is out there next month, will let her know.

 

[Mental Lental]

WAITRESS
Here ya go. Please pay at the
register, if you wouldn't mind.

JOE
Sure thing.

WAITRESS
You guys have a wonderful day.

They all mutter equivalents. She exits and Joe stands up.

JOE
I'll take care of this, you guys
leave the tip.
(to Mr. White)
And when I come back, I want my
book back.

MR. WHITE
Sorry, it's my book now.

JOE
Blonde, shoot this piece of shit,
will ya?

Mr. Blonde shoots Mr. White with his finger. Mr White
acts shot. Joe exits.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Okay, everybody cough up green for
the little lady.

Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table.
Everybody, that is, except Mr. White.

NICE GUY EDDIE
C'mon, throw in a buck.

MR. WHITE
Uh-uh. I don't tip.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Whaddaya mean you don't tip?

MR. WHITE
I don't believe in it.

NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?

MR. PINK
(laughing)
I love this kid, he's a madman,
this guy.

MR. BLONDE
Do you have any idea what these
ladies make? They make shit.

MR. WHITE
Don't give me that. She don't
make enough money, she can quit.

Everybody laughs.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I don't even know a Jew who'd have
the balls to say that. So let's
get this straight. You never ever
tip?

MR. WHITE
I don't tip because society says I
gotta. I tip when somebody
deserves a tip. When somebody
really puts forth an effort, they
deserve a little something extra.
But this tipping automatically,
that shit's for the birds. As far
as I'm concerned, they're just
doin their job.

MR. BLUE
Our girl was nice.

MR. WHITE
Our girl was okay. She didn't do
anything special.

MR. BLONDE
What's something special, take ya
in the kitchen and suck your dick?

They all laugh.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I'd go over twelve percent for
that.

MR. WRITE
Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've
been here a long ****in time, and
she's only filled my cup three
times. When I order coffee, I
want it filled six times.

MR. BLONDE
What if she's too busy?

MR. WHITE
The words "too busy" shouldn't be
in a waitress's vocabulary.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last
thing you need is another cup of
coffee.

They all laugh.

MR. WHITE
These ladies aren't starvin to
death. They make minimum wage.
When I worked for minimum wage, I
wasn't lucky enough to have a job
that society deemed tipworthy.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Ahh, now we're getting down to it.
It's not just that he's a cheap
*******--

MR. ORANGE
--It is that too--

NICE GUY EDDIE
--It is that too. But it's also
he couldn't get a waiter job. You
talk like a pissed off dishwasher:
"**** those ***** and their
****ing tips."

MR. BLONDE
So you don't care that they're
counting on your tip to live?

Mr. White rubs two of his fingers together.

MR. WHITE
Do you know what this is? It's
the world's smallest violin,
playing just for the waitresses.

MR. BLONDE
You don't have any idea what
you're talking about. These
people bust their ass. This
is a hard job.

MR. WHITE
So's working at McDonald's, but
you don't feel the need to tip
them. They're servin ya food, you
should tip em. But no, society
says tip these guys over here, but
not those guys over there. That's
bullshit.

MR. ORANGE
They work harder than the kids at
McDonald's.

MR. WHITE
Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning
fryers.

MR. BROWN
These people are taxed on the tips
they make. When you stiff 'em,
you cost them money.

MR. BLONDE
Waitressing is the number one
occupation for female non-college
graduates in this country. It's
the one jab basically any woman
can get, and make a living on.
The reason is because of tips.

MR. WHITE
**** all that.

They all laugh.

MR. WHITE
Hey, I'm very sorry that the
government taxes their tips.
That's ****ed up. But that ain't
my fault. it would appear that
waitresses are just one of the
many groups the government ****s
in the ass on a regular basis.
You show me a paper says the
government shouldn't do that, I'll
sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll
vote for it. But what I won't do
is play ball. And this non-
college bullshit you're telling
me, I got two words for that:
"Learn to ****in type." Cause if
you're expecting me to help out
with the rent, you're in for a big
****in surprise.

MR. ORANGE
He's convinced me. Give me my
dollar back.

Everybody laughs. Joe's comes back to the table.

JOE
Okay ramblers, let's get to
rambling. Wait a minute, who
didn't throw in?

MR. ORANGE
Mr. White.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Mr. White?
(to Mr. White)
Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't tip?
(to Mr. White)
You don't tip? Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't believe in it?
(to Mr. White)
You don't believe in it?

MR. ORANGE
Nope.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Shut up!
(to Mr. White)
Cough up the buck, ya cheap
*******, I paid for your goddamn
breakfast.

MR. WHITE
Because you paid for the
breakfast, I'm gonna tip.
Normally I wouldn't.

JOE
Whatever. Just throw in your
dollar, and let's move.
(to Mr. Blonde)
See what I'm dealing with here.
Infants. I'm ****in dealin with
infants.

The names are all wrong. It's Mr PINK (Steve Buscemi) who doesn't tip and Mr WHITE (Harvey Keitel) who defends tipping. Where did you cut and paste that from?

 

[Pinkie Brown]

Just got back from New York and the only real problem we had was with the Mexican shuttle bus driver who refused our pre-paid booking forn and made us pay again for the trip to the hotel - called every other road user a mother****er and several times nearly killed us - and then moaned that the tip wasn't big enough. Lucky he got anything to be honest the prick.

I had a similar experience with an hispanic shuttle driver years ago in Miami en route to the airport. Done his best to kill or injure all the passengers, had a rude attitude then got narky when I would not tip him at the terminal. He claimed a poor understanding of English but understood the alternative for 'go away' after following me to the terminal doors.

 

[Easy 10]

The names are all wrong. It's Mr PINK (Steve Buscemi) who doesn't tip and Mr WHITE (Harvey Keitel) who defends tipping. Where did you cut and paste that from?

I didn't. I wrote it all out.



(Script-o-rama I think)