There are some right berks on this planet

[Digweeds Trousers]

I have just emerged from a four hour semina on the mision statement my company has set out for us over the forthcoming year.

What a crock of indescribable, pappy, woolly indeterminate shite.

some pillock is paid a fortune to come with this drivel that we, as sane realtively hard-working people are supposed to swallow.

Quote:

"We all have problems and issues we face every day. The aim in our philosophy here, is to keep everything vanilla.

I want you all to learn how to park problems and to box into one-way, low-hanging fruit way of thinking"

I kid you not - this was the intro. what the f***ing hell does that mean!!??

It is this jargon-filled, meaningless guff, that makes it impossible to understand anything that the majority of middle-managers say.

I nearly walked out. I was burining with rage and wanted to garrot the prick in his M&S suit and fake grin with a 'I really am your friend as well as your boss'

Hate them. really detest these weasly little wankers and their corporate bilge.

Any one else have to deal with this at work??

 

[Curious Orange]

Any one else have to deal with this at work??

Not since GE made me redundant.

 

[Titanic]

You mean you didn't come out of the presentation incentivised ??

 

[The Large One]

Where do you work Diggers?

 

[Westdene Seagull]

I used to work for a very large US IT outsourcer. Every manager spoke like that . Because most of us didn't understand what the hell they were going on about most projects became a huge f**k up !

Needless to say many of their customers have started kicking them out including the UK government.

 

[Parson Henry]

I have just emerged from a four hour semina on the mision statement my company has set out for us over the forthcoming year.

What a crock of indescribable, pappy, woolly indeterminate shite.

some pillock is paid a fortune to come with this drivel that we, as sane realtively hard-working people are supposed to swallow.

Quote:

"We all have problems and issues we face every day. The aim in our philosophy here, is to keep everything vanilla.

I want you all to learn how to park problems and to box into one-way, low-hanging fruit way of thinking"

I kid you not - this was the intro. what the f***ing hell does that mean!!??

It is this jargon-filled, meaningless guff, that makes it impossible to understand anything that the majority of middle-managers say.

I nearly walked out. I was burining with rage and wanted to garrot the prick in his M&S suit and fake grin with a 'I really am your friend as well as your boss'

Hate them. really detest these weasly little wankers and their corporate bilge.

Any one else have to deal with this at work??

You work for the same firm as me..


Buzzwords such as..cornerstone, progressive migration, esential deliverables, froth eradication.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

We used to slope off to the pub to dream up better slogans than they had.

Two favourites spring to mind.

East Sussex County Council ... Serves You Right

East Sussex Social Services ... Who Cares

 

[Superseagull]

I worked for a company who paid over £250K to a top london marketing firm to come up with ideas of how to rebrand the company for the "new millenium". 6 months later after countless meetings, customer surveys, corperate briefings, team building (what does this have to do with rebranding?) they came back with the amazing concept of............don't change anything. What a complete waste of everyones time and effort!

 

[Man of Harveys]

My lovely employer has just taken on a new American sales manager from Bloomberg. He has on his office wall a massive poster of a rowing boat crew with the word "TOGETHER" at the bottom...which is all very nice, apart from the fact that the bloke can't actually be arsed to come over and bother to meet any of his editorial colleagues. What a turd.

Companies survived and did well without this sort of crap for many years. Same goes for compliance and (especially) HR. f*** 'em all.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

Somebody, somewhere once dreamt up these poisonous phrases and slipped them quietly into the water supply.

There must be scope for a few more. If anyone hears "We need to lasso the kangaroo", let me know. That's my invention (front bar of the Lewes Arms, about 2001). If you haven't heard it, start using it in every conceivable circumstance.

And no ... I have NO IDEA what it's supposed to mean.

 

[Man of Harveys]

There must be scope for a few more. If anyone hears "We need to lasso the kangaroo", let me know. That's my invention (front bar of the Lewes Arms, about 2001). If you haven't heard it, start using it in every conceivable circumstance.

Consider that campaign begun, right here right now.

"It's a cash cow. Let it give milk."

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

Everyone, tell me all the shit ones you've heard and at my presentation this pm I will get everysingle one of them in!!

 

[Parson Henry]

My lovely employer has just taken on a new American sales manager from Bloomberg. He has on his office wall a massive poster of a rowing boat crew with the word "TOGETHER" at the bottom...which is all very nice, apart from the fact that the bloke can't actually be arsed to come over and bother to meet any of his editorial colleagues. What a turd.

Companies survived and did well without this sort of crap for many years. Same goes for compliance and (especially) HR. f*** 'em all.

Oi I am in Compliance!!

 

[lost in london]

Just looking at my work calendar for October, I am reminded of one of our vision statements:

Our vision for people - access to quality legal services - making it possible through people.

I went to a Plain English Campaign course a couple of weeks ago and the trainer went off on one when some girl on the course mentioned their 'stakeholders' and being 'proactive'. He also wasn't a big fan of blue sky thinking.

And if someone can explain what squaring the circle means I would be very grateful. People round here use it all the time.

 

[Man of Harveys]

Oi I am in Compliance!!

Boo! Get a real job!

 

[Lord Bracknell]

HR. f*** 'em all.

I am NOT and have NEVER BEEN a "Human Resource".

It's the most insulting term EVER to have been dreamt up by employers. And it needs to be challenged every time it is used.

f*** 'em all indeed.

 

[Titanic]

Everyone, tell me all the shit ones you've heard and at my presentation this pm I will get everysingle one of them in!!

Please talk about 'pieces' at every opportunity... it can be used to mean project, proposal, contract etc...

An example would be 'Can you re-solution the customer satisfaction piece ?'

 

[lost in london]

Try this out:

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/games/career/bin/ms_adv.cgi

 

[Squiggsy]

No joined up thinking?!

 

[The Large One]

I have heard American Senators use the phrase 'herding cats'. I am guessing that is similar to 'lassooing the kangaroo'. In other words, utter bollocks.

And what is 'thinking outside the box'. Does that mean Leon only thinks to go down once he's inside?