[Humour] The three best comedy lines

[usernamed]

I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you.

But my brother Esau is a hairy man, but I, am a smooth man.

An experience like that, and in fact that experience, made me realise just how insignificant they were.


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[Badger]

There's already been a few here I'd probably have picked. To add to the mix though...


"No offence, Lynn, but your life is technically not worth insuring."

"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."

"If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. Do you know which ‘philosopher’ said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a pair of tits."

 

[Questions]

Err yes well maybe I’ll work up to lion taming through banking.

 

[Shirty]

I’m sorry to bother you at a time like this. We would have come earlier but your husband wasn’t dead then.


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[The Clamp]

Monty! You terrible ****!

Throw yourself into the road, darling! You haven't got a chance!

A coward you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls you are not!

Well, frankly that film is a thread of it's own.

 

[Razzoo]

Monty! You terrible ****!

Throw yourself into the road, darling! You haven't got a chance!

A coward you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls you are not!

Well, frankly that film is a thread of it's own.

Are you a farmer?
We've come on holiday by mistake
Etc....

 

[Cosmic Joker]

Dermot Morgan:

"Okay one last time; these are small, but the ones out there are far away. Small, far away."




June Whitfield:

"Just the one, dear?"




Sally Phillips:

"Tosser?"

 

[Comrade Sam]

Ha, missed both my legs!

 

[portlock seagull]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu. But I think it's Colin."

Always loved this Tommy Cooper one!

 

[portlock seagull]

And from the late great Bob Monkhouse…

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers."

 

[albionfan37]

Biggus dickus

 

[Moshe Gariani]

"They're always the same: Not at all, to some extent, very much so, don't know..."

 

[Scappa]

Wild?! I was bloody livid!

 

[Peteinblack]

"May I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera house perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...."

"He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy."

"I’ve never seen anybody look so f***ing ugly with just one head... Your hands were all over place, you were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra.”

 

[Norman Potting]

Feck, arse, girls.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?

 

[Worried Man Blues]

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth

 

[Barrow Boy]

Lets have a look at it live... Genius writing but the delivery makes it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bxg0xGoQmo

And from the the same episode,

Godber: "What's a practising homosexual Fletch?"

Fletcher: "That's one who hasn't got it quite right yet"

 

[Westdene Seagull]

"I took her to see India .... at the Oval"

Obviously the following line is no longer acceptable.

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know"

"We're in a mess. Rush to Freedonia! Three men and one woman are trapped in a building! Send help at once! If you can't send help, send two more women!”

"I don't like the second party either.
Well you should have been at the first party, we didn't get home till around four in the morning...I was blind for three days"