[Humour] The three best comedy lines

[Lower West Stander]

“What’s the bleeding time?

Ten past ten sir”

For those of a certain age…..


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[Baldseagull]

I was stood in the park, wondering why it is that a frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.

I hope when I die, I go peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.

This video does contain just the one line.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sedG1kBtn1M

 

[Lower West Stander]

“I’m serious

And don’t call me Shirley”

On a roll now….


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[pasty]

What you got, a Wendy House?

 

[Brightonfan1983]

Doctor: Do you suffer from any illnesses?
Fletcher: Bad feet.

Doctor: paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
Fletcher: only with me feet.

Doctor: are you now or have you been at any time a practising homosexual?
Fletcher: what with these feet - who’d have me.

"From here?"

 

[Seagull58]

What's good for a hangover?
Eight pints of lager

Oh God I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis.

I won’t say anything ’cause no one ever listens to me, anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen album.

 

[bomber130]

Infamy, infamy, they all got it infamy.


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[Pevenseagull]

"Who are you and how did you get in here?"

" I'm the locksmith and I'm a locksmith"

 

[clapham_gull]

Personally (mentioned above) "He's not going to sell much ice cream going at that speed is he?" is my number one.

Written by the great Eddie Braben for Morcombe and Wise.

 

[lawros left foot]

I read a book once, green it was.

 

[pasty]

Simple genius

 

[heathgate]

"You sound fluent sir"

"We're both fluent Boff, sadly in different languages"

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[Brightonfan1983]

I hope when I die, I go peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.

I think Spaced nicked this for a letter from Brian's mum: "Your uncle Kevin died in his sleep last week, while driving to Staines on the M4." Still works!

 

[Poyningsgull]

I thought my mother was a bad cook, but at least her gravy used to move around a bit.

 

[jakarta]

Lets have a look at it live... Genius writing but the delivery makes it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bxg0xGoQmo

 

[A1X]

“Would it make any difference if it was..hummus?”

“I have nothing against your right leg. Unfortunately neither do you.”

“I think if you analyse the slow-mo and take away that little bit in the red, that potato is all rim and bounces out.”

 

[R. Slicker]

Those aren't Pillows!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try..

You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist

 

[Gabbafella]

"You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?"

"Any of you ***** want a drink?"

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

 

[Lower West Stander]

Those aren't Pillows!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try..

You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist

Don’t get started on Chuck Norris…

He doesn’t do press ups - he pushes the world down….


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[Norman Potting]

Ought to be able to find a few here:-

All series are now on All4 free to view.