Song titles or lyrics that are palpably untrue.

[NMH]

Mungo Jerry - In the Summer Time

"you can stretch right up
an' touch the sky"

I don't know if you can take issue with this one, I mean where does 'the sky' begin, and if it DOES officially begin higher than you can reach from the ground, you still could take a balloon or open 'plane and touch it.

 

[Barnet Seagull]

What noise annoys an oyster?

Everyone knows that oysters can't hear, therefore

no noise annoys an oyster.

next.

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

Frizzy-haired lunatic Sinnatta convined gullible fans in the 80's that her lover would have:

'to be so macho, be big and strong and love to turn me on and on.
He has to have big blue eyes, be able to satisfy........'

Having seen an article over the weekend with a picture of the couple, I now know that Sinitta is liar.

Her beau, is small and thin, almost frail. He sunken grey eyes and looks as if he at deaths door.

Disgraceful.

 

[Easy 10]

Perhaps she set her standards too high. Lets face it, after Simon Cowell everyones going to be a disappointment.

 

[Parson Henry]

Ok, I'll answer that one;

The 'Jasmine of your mind' is found in the herb garden, just left of the shrubbery of your mind. It's just above the medulla.

Any further questions?

I suppose when you think about that answer makes sense. I think my mind needs weeding though!

 

[Ding Dong !]

We Dream the Same Dream - but does Belinda Carlisle actually dream about my pet dog, dressed in a gimp suit, whipping Sandy Toksvig to within an inch of her life with an implement made from rusty iron?

I think not.

 

[colinpants]

"we the people fight for our existance", some of us have to fight a little harder for it than others don't you think Mr Gallaghar.

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

"I'll take you right into the Danger Zone!" screeched American GOON Kenny Loggins.

So where did he end up taking me?

Peter Pan's Adventure Playground along Marine Drive.

We rode on the caterpillar "rollercoaster", went round on the teacups, played some arcade games and had an icecream. It wasn't the least bit dangerous and I had a thoroughly SHIT day.

Thanks for nothing LOGGINS.

 

[Faldo]

Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me.

Easy sunshine!

I'm all up for a bit of slap n tickle, but I think your getting a bit carried away...

Other offences by the bespectacled mick:

Its a beautfiul day - Helloooo? Freezing outside!
How to dismantle an atomic bomb - sorry mate. I'd rather leave that to the pro's.

And finally (not Bono related)

I could mooo-ooo-ooove any mountain...

Chinny-Reckon!

 

[Lady Whistledown]

"Hello? Is it me you're looking for?"

Clearly not, you bearded, large-nosed, shiny-suit-wearing buffoon.

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

"Don't Pay the Ferryman'

garbled carpet-browed Irish sex-pest Chris de Burgh.

Taking that advice ruined a family holiday on the Emerald Isle for my us, along with an unfortunate stay in a prsion in Stranraer.

In future when travelling abroad ignore any 'helpfuil' advice from has-been crooners.

 

[Muzzman]

"I'm a blue toothbrush, Your a pink toothbrush"

Como is clearly insane.

 

[bhafc99]

"All my life I've been waiting for you to bring a fairy tale my way," screeched the Shania-Twain-with-PMT artist Anastacia.

Eager to please, I (and seven dwarves I'd hired for the day at considerable cost) recently made my way to Anastacia's house, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and leaving a trail of gingerbread crumbs behind me, and prepared to huff and puff until I blew said house down.

Rather than applauding me for fulfilling her lifelong wait, Anastacia called the police and had me arrested.

Bitch.

Especially as the dwarves got off scott-free.

 

[Theatre of Trees]

"You've got the power to know you're indestructable" crooned bequiffed Tonu Hadley on Spandau Ballet's scampi and chips brigade classic Gold.

Well having stood in front of a moving car this evening I know this to be palpably untrue and am currently in intensive care.

 

[Easy 10]

"Let em' say we're crazy, what do they know ?
Put your arms around me baby don't ever let go"

...warbled the one-hit-wonder frizzy freakshow Starship. I'd say you'd have to be more than "crazy" to want some mullet-chopped cockjuggler draping himself all over you and never letting go. Completely impractical with obvious health and safety implications, not to mention the unavoidable hygiene issues which would inevitably ensue over time.

Oh, and "What do they know ?" I know you were shit.

 

[Parson Henry]

The previous post on Spandau reminded me of one of my favourites in this category.

True

'I bough a ticket to the world'

Just try asking for such a ticket at any BR station and see the look you get!

 

[hans kraay fan club]

"Don't Pay the Ferryman'

garbled carpet-browed Irish sex-pest Chris de Burgh.

.

If he really is a sex pest, surely its not safe for his daughter [current Miss World] to stay with him. She should come round mine sharpish, so that I can keep her safe.

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

Rubber-faced harpie Leona claims that she 'keeps bleeding, keeps keeps bleeding'.

On first hearing this assertion I took it at faced value. Now with even my limited medical knowledge I cannot accept that having lost blood over a 5 months period she is still in the land of the living.

Another bare-faced lie.

 

[Captain Haddock]

We Dream the Same Dream - but does Belinda Carlisle actually dream about my pet dog, dressed in a gimp suit, whipping Sandy Toksvig to within an inch of her life with an implement made from rusty iron?

I think not.

....and yet genuinely disturbing, TLO.

 

[Perry Milkins]

....and yet genuinely disturbing, TLO.

We built this city, we built this city on Rock and Roll....

No you could not have done that Jefferson Starship... please check with the Guild of Master Builders..you really need to start with some breeze block.