[Football] Parental advice needed for a father of a 14 year old ref.

[BNthree]

We'll all give advice on here and then give the ref a whole load of abuse during our next game.

Is it a 14 year old reffing for us against Wolves??

 

[S.T.U cgull]

Recall being 14/15 and reffing a game with dogs abuse from one set of coaches in particular. Cough Withdean Fc Cough…
Certainly came out better for the experience - hope your son does too & continues..

 

[Eeyore]

Thank you for your replies so far.

I sort of posted in anger, I feel better now for getting it off my chest.

The boy seems fine now, singing to himself while on the Xbox.

Truth is I don’t know what occurred, I tend not to watch too much of the match as I don’t want to put extra pressure on him, I went off with the dog and returned just as he blew and walked off in a state.

Reluctantly as I don’t want to wet nurse him I did challenge the worse one of the two coaches and in fairness he was quite apologetic and I think a bit embarrassed when I highlighted his age (he does look older than he is)

One possibility, on reflection, is my lad can be quite sensitive but as a father I just want him to enjoy what he’s doing.

It could also be a case that I don’t get it. I’ve never been really competitive, as much as I love the Albion I often just “accept it” when we lose.
I don’t understand U13 matches being treated like the World Cup final

I’ve encouraged my son to be honest and detailed with his match report and to email the league with details and how he feels about it.

In conclusion I don’t want anyone tarred and feathered, What I do want is a situation where at this level, the referee’s decision is final and a mistake is accepted as such. Is that too much to ask?

Thanks again everyone.

Everything here seems to have happened in reverse.

The point is, if coaches of the teams feel that a referee is inadequate for a certain match it is they who should be highlighting it to the league and not abusing the official. That way we don't hear of the scenes that we do.

As you see on the numerous ref threads, I believe in zero tolerance of the abuse of match officials. Not only that, folk need to take a look at themselves. A lot of it is because they can't see the adjudication from a neural perspective. A good example was the Leeds United v Preston match today. The ref was getting dog abuse on and off the field. I watched his decisions closely, he didn't get a single one wrong.

Coaches and supporters should just accept the referees decisions, and if the ref isn't up to it then the league can deal with that.

I still think that there should be a national referee strike sometime soon. Then folk would learn.

I only reffed a match once. A kids game. I took a lot of flak from both the kids and the parents. It was a match between two churches...

 

[Brovion]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

Five step process:

1 - Get a baseball bat.
2 - Go to the home of the first coach.
3 - Beat them soundly over the head with said bat.
4 - Go to the home of the second coach
5 - Repeat the process.

Ok, that's probably a bit extreme, and so like others I'd probably recommend a bit of both (of your options, not mine). Certainly tell him he's doing a brilliant job, and certainly email the league and tell them what happened. If you can't get any progress then tell them to shove it - and tell the Argus.

And above all console yourself with the fact that whatever faults or weaknesses you feel you may have, at least you are not a totally inadequate sack of shit living out pathetic Bill Shankly fantasies.

EDIT: I've seen your other posts where you say you've calmed down a bit so fair enough. But it doesn't matter if your son had a shocker, he shouldn't have been abused. Whatever happened to 'respect'? If nothing else the coaches set a terrible example.

 

[dejavuatbtn]

Referee should make a report to the league and copy to scfa. Had to deal with this some years ago when one of our parents slaughtered a young lad reffing one of our matches. It is also a child protection issue. unacceptable. Hope they get what’s coming to them.

 

[Papak]

Well done OP for coming on here and airing your thoughts.

Your lad is doing a great job just being on the pitch doing the reffing. He will learn many people skills which he will be able to use in later life.

I played junior football 35+ years ago and issues like you described were almost non-existent, sadly it seems things have gone backwards in the modern game.

 

[dbarnard]

Mixture of A+B but also contact SCFA, the league secretary covering the game involved.

 

[Questions]

I don’t normally advocate violence but


Actually I do. The dads need a smack.
Edit : not in front of the kids obviously.

 

[Cotton Socks]

I think a bit of both. Tell your lad that he's doing a great job but unfortunately he will encounter arseholes throughout his life (perhaps don't say arseholes). If he genuinely enjoys doing it, then he shouldn't let a couple of arseholes put him off. I don't think it's a case of him being sensitive, adults should not be giving 14 year old kids abuse as they're grumpy about his decision. Remind him that he's the one who knows the rules & if their players don't stick by them, then that is a fault of the coaches, not him. Can he red card the coaches? If so, tell him not to be afraid to as he'll be helping some other kid in the future not getting the shit he has.
Make sure he puts in a comprehensive match report & I think you personally should put in a complaint, as well as emailing the other coach in the same way you have spoken to the first coach. Perhaps say to the FA that you have no wish to see them fined as grass roots football has little money as it is, but reminders should be sent out to the teams involved that it's unacceptable and they'll be fined next time (unless they've already had complaints, then they deserve a fine). If there aren't any ref's coming through the system then at some point in the future there won't be any games. I hope he's feeling better now (and you).

 

[dazzer6666]

I think a bit of both. Tell your lad that he's doing a great job but unfortunately he will encounter arseholes throughout his life (perhaps don't say arseholes). If he genuinely enjoys doing it, then he shouldn't let a couple of arseholes put him off. I don't think it's a case of him being sensitive, adults should not be giving 14 year old kids abuse as they're grumpy about his decision. Remind him that he's the one who knows the rules & if their players don't stick by them, then that is a fault of the coaches, not him. Can he red card the coaches? If so, tell him not to be afraid to as he'll be helping some other kid in the future not getting the shit he has.
Make sure he puts in a comprehensive match report & I think you personally should put in a complaint, as well as emailing the other coach in the same way you have spoken to the first coach. Perhaps say to the FA that you have no wish to see them fined as grass roots football has little money as it is, but reminders should be sent out to the teams involved that it's unacceptable and they'll be fined next time (unless they've already had complaints, then they deserve a fine). If there aren't any ref's coming through the system then at some point in the future there won't be any games. I hope he's feeling better now (and you).

Agree with all of this. The game needs lads like yours, it doesn’t need gobby parents acting like pricks. If you don’t put a complaint /report in they’ll keep doing it - at the very least the SCFA will probably write to the club asking them to control ‘their‘ people.

 

[timbha]

Digest what’s on here. Sleep on it and then go with what you think is best. Doing nothing isn’t an option.

 

[FamilyGuy]

I'd suggest you have a talk with him but leave out taking the rough with the smooth instead telling him it's something he's likely to have to deal with regularly.
Tell him you're going to contact the league and do so.
Let him see their reply.

Then let your Son decide.

Something I've used in the past ...
"unfortunately the world is full of arseholes and sometimes you will encounter such people in your day to day life. There is little or nothing that you can do about this other than chalk it down to experience and move on, secure in the knowledge that you are a better person than they are, and that you are good, valuable and right and they are almost certainly the opposite. Please don't let these people ruin or define your life, it wont be the last time unfortunately, so learn from this and move on - because you are a better person than them and I'm proud of you, and I love you."

 

[Questions]

We want to teach respect at junior level football but look at some of the vile abuse Premier League refs get. Everyone thinks they can do better on here but they wouldn’t.

 

[FamilyGuy]

I think a bit of both. Tell your lad that he's doing a great job but unfortunately he will encounter arseholes throughout his life (perhaps don't say arseholes). If he genuinely enjoys doing it, then he shouldn't let a couple of arseholes put him off. I don't think it's a case of him being sensitive, adults should not be giving 14 year old kids abuse as they're grumpy about his decision. Remind him that he's the one who knows the rules & if their players don't stick by them, then that is a fault of the coaches, not him. Can he red card the coaches? If so, tell him not to be afraid to as he'll be helping some other kid in the future not getting the shit he has.
Make sure he puts in a comprehensive match report & I think you personally should put in a complaint, as well as emailing the other coach in the same way you have spoken to the first coach. Perhaps say to the FA that you have no wish to see them fined as grass roots football has little money as it is, but reminders should be sent out to the teams involved that it's unacceptable and they'll be fined next time (unless they've already had complaints, then they deserve a fine). If there aren't any ref's coming through the system then at some point in the future there won't be any games. I hope he's feeling better now (and you).

I slightly disagree - do say "arseholes". Its a word designed to help your boy remember your advice - and its accurate. Think of it as an aide memoire (sp?)

 

[TheJasperCo]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

Hey PWK, as a former referee during my teens (started at 14 training in the classroom beneath the stands at Culver Road and finishing when I went to uni 6 years later)...I had some horrendous experiences. I can really relate to the horrible feelings your son must be experiencing.

If you're at the game (or even just picking him up from a match), do not be afraid to confront the managers and staff at the club. My dad did that at Fishersgate U12s during my first season and it shut them right up. All billy big bollocks when I let a controversial offside go...but all mealy mouthed wanting to shake my hand and be my best mate after my dad had a go.

What you need to be careful of, specially in this day and age...careful of any teams where your son knows the players, or is friends of friends of the players. There is a risk of an insidious undercurrent of sniping from your son's mates, or just people he vaguely knows/goes to school with etc. Just make sure you're aware of that if there are really local fixtures he is assigned to.

Remind your son, with the best will in the world, he is only going to be as good as the biased, unfit 'linos' who often don't have a flag and are shouting advice to their players while encroaching five feet onto the pitch.

Let him know that mistakes happen, and that the best ones are those mistakes that aren't repeated twice.

Some of this might not be what you want to hear, and I'm sorry for that. Your son's circumstances may well be totally different to my experiences. Just know that he isn't alone, there is support out there. And with experience, the mistakes won't disappear, but he will become a hell of a lot stronger at coping.

Is his heart set on it? I chose refereeing cause I was a poor player, but I loved the game and the fitness and the extra money besides my paper round. My parents were always there for me, shuttling me to the arse end of f***ing nowhere, often two or three matches on a single Sunday afternoon. One of the reasons I'll be indebted to my folks is the support they showed. Make sure you're there for him. Support him too and do what you think are in his best interests. All the best.

 

[TheJasperCo]

Further to the above, I would also be particularly mindful of pre season tournaments. A whole weekend out in the baking sun refereeing for perhaps 6-8 hours non stop. The host club may provide a free ploughman's, and the £30 per day may be appealing, but it did have a tendency to be a magnet for unsavoury elements. Just bear in mind if your son is invited to attend during the summer (suncream and water and more suncream are essential).

I'm not a parent, yet much of this advice I'm giving is weirdly from a parents perspective. But if you're son deep down still has a love of reffing and wants to continue...I would encourage you to let him continue, to develop and grow. I know I did.

 

[Machiavelli]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and haven't read through the thread, but not convinced this is an either/or option. Why not write the letter, and await to see what their response to it is? If it's insubstantial, write back and tell them that you've withdrawn him. Whatever happens, you should keep your son informed of what you're doing. Good luck.

 

[brighton_dave]

Lots of the above re praise. If you noticed any mistakes he made, then perhaps speak nicely about those, but reiterating the fact it isn't OK for peope to behave like that. We need to make mistakes to learn.
My 11 year old daughter plays and some of the behaviour I've seen is vile.
Spoke with a coach from Hastings United who said Hasting Town coach the girls to adopt violence off the ball, 11 year old girls! Little pinches and shoves etc.
There's so many aggressive ars× holes. I've seen it all, an adult parent ref giving a penalty against despite it being 2 yards outside the box. He was on the half way line! The same chap cheated throughout, even the opposition girls commenting why they were getting decisions.
A parent linesman continuously putting a flag up for decisions even VAR would have got right!
At a tournament this summer where a young ref was given grief with the opp coach walking onto the field, due to a valid goal against her team (keeper throws the ball out, hits the defender & loops the keeper). She filed a complaint about the boy, said wasnt a legal goal, I followed over, listened in & said she was talking rubbish. Thought a need to despite it not being our team playing.
I'd write to the league and ask them to send someone to monitor those coaches.
I get the comments re having a go at the coaches, but that's just confrontation that may kick off and you don't want that in front of kids. The guys could be unhinged too. Maybe discreetly video them for evidence.
It's your sons decision, but if it's getting him down then pull him out of it. You could even just pull him out mid game & tell them to get onto with it themselves.

 

[TheJasperCo]

Sorry, more blarney (this is well cathartic?!). I found that the majority of games were positive experiences. Sometimes the weather was crap, sometimes I mistook Hove Park Colt's ground for Hove Town's playing fields. Sometimes I underestimated the 25 p per mile petrol costs my parents forked out for. Sometimes the manager would phone me up when I was actually at the ground to say 'oh sozz mate shulda told you the game's cancelled'...

A mentor helps infinitely too. Sam Mepham of the Sussex Sunday youth league was my rock during my first season. Would observe a game and give me genuinely amazing advice.

There were incentives too. Is the FAMOA initiative still going? Log the games, get them signed and cash in the reward points.

Maybe I was too invested in it. Maybe even a bit a bit dorky about this as a hobby. Did I see myself as the next Collina or Webb? Maybe, but whatever. That aside, it kept me in super great shape, it taught me the value of money, it taught me how to reign in my emotions and realise that twats will be twats will forever be twats. And their grievances aren't against your son. They know f*** all about your son. Their dripping sniping and bullshit is directed at your son's decision, in the heat of the moment. Not justifiable, but an explanation for why shitty people do shitty things...and why the world's most popular sport will always attract a proportion of undesirable characters.

That's it from me, promise. My train has just pulled in to the station.

 

[mile oak]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

Sorry to hear of what appears unacceptable abuse. Encourage and assist your son (if necessary in conjunction with FA and/or ref association) a full report of what happened. Send this to the FA which if he's completed a registered course he should be aware of what to do. If not, contact the FA referee department. They will definitely help him. There is no way the FA want to lose refs and no way they want refs upset by players and most definitely by adults. Get as much factual info as possible. Assuming he is registered with the FA definitely contact them for advice if you feel that would help. I cannot stress that enough. Assuming your son did the FA course get him to have a look back on his notes and handouts and try and figure out for himself what he needs to do and what support is out there. Essentially he has done nothing wrong. Shame on the pathetic adult bullies that intimidate a child qualified and skilled at reffing the game. I'm assuming he has done his handful of games where he is guided by another ref. Can he recall anything from this (advice etc). It might be the FA can shadow a match or two going forwards if he is lacking confidence. Copy the league in with all paperwork. He may benefit from keeping copies himself for the future and I absolutely guarantee you that if the FA feel anyone has stepped out of line they WILL punish those responsible.

By the way I'm not interested one bit about was it a goal was it offside etc etc TOTALLY IRRELEVANT. The ref is in control in charge and cannot under any circumstances be disrespected. No respect no game.