[Football] Parental advice needed for a father of a 14 year old ref.

[PILTDOWN MAN]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

Having been involved in a local club for over 20 years including being Chairman of the governing association, my advice would be to contact both clubs Welfare Officer. This is beyond doubt a child welfare issue and the clubs are duty bound to act.

This could be turned around as a positive for all given the education and the following discipline, if required.

 

[mile oak]

Thank you for your replies so far.

I sort of posted in anger, I feel better now for getting it off my chest.

The boy seems fine now, singing to himself while on the Xbox.

Truth is I don’t know what occurred, I tend not to watch too much of the match as I don’t want to put extra pressure on him, I went off with the dog and returned just as he blew and walked off in a state.

Reluctantly as I don’t want to wet nurse him I did challenge the worse one of the two coaches and in fairness he was quite apologetic and I think a bit embarrassed when I highlighted his age (he does look older than he is)

One possibility, on reflection, is my lad can be quite sensitive but as a father I just want him to enjoy what he’s doing.

It could also be a case that I don’t get it. I’ve never been really competitive, as much as I love the Albion I often just “accept it” when we lose.
I don’t understand U13 matches being treated like the World Cup final

I’ve encouraged my son to be honest and detailed with his match report and to email the league with details and how he feels about it.

In conclusion I don’t want anyone tarred and feathered, What I do want is a situation where at this level, the referee’s decision is final and a mistake is accepted as such. Is that too much to ask?

Thanks again everyone.

Its quite pathetic how some adults treat games like the cup final etc. they are usually living out their failed dreams of football through children. Quite sad really.

 

[mile oak]

Once again, you’ve all been very helpful however this reply does stand out, especially the first line.
Were they over the top? Was my boy too sensitive? I didn’t witness it, I don’t think anyone did as the coaches were opposite from the spectators that naturally stood the side of the tea bar.

Like I’ve said, I possibly posted in haste/anger

Both myself and more importantly, the lad are feeling better now 2 hours on.

Criticism is never acceptable. Its ok for a player or coach to ask for an explanation of this and that but a ref cant be expected to explain every decision and remember everything. All affiliated clubs to the county FA should be aware of the Respect campaign and where they fall short these clubs can be asked to account for their lack of respect before the FA. Was it a goal, was it offside, was it really a foul. IRRELEVANT The refs decision is final there are procedures in place if the ref is lacking skills experience etc through club marks - the FA are not stupid and will e.g. take into account newly qualified refs and teams that mark refs down because they didnt like the result etc.

 

[Justice]

Whilst I feel for your son I can guarantee most contributors to this thread have screamed obscenities at a ref during an Albion game. It starts at the highest level and trickles its way down. Like kids junior football level covering their mouths when speaking utterly ridiculous.

 

[Milano]

A 14 yo reffing an U13 match doesn’t feel right, you need a larger age gap IMO, I’d suggest he should be reffing around U11.
Does not excuse vile behaviour of coaches/parents to a CHILD though. Report it.

I was watching my son this morning (U13) and on the next pitch was a girls match, I’m going to guess about U14/15, the coach of one of these teams was an utter tit. Having a go at the ref, his own players, the oppo, basically anyone. Imagine having such a pathetic life that you behave like that.

 

[BN9 BHA]

Whilst I feel for your son I can guarantee most contributors to this thread have screamed obscenities at a ref during an Albion game.

I’m not sure the ref hears me when I’m shouting FFS from the WSU in a crowd of over 30,000
The thread is about coaches having a go at a young ref at park football, most of us have probably been unhappy at some dodgy decisions from professional referees including RDZ

 

[mile oak]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

Also if your son is concerned about receiving low marks for the respective clubs. I would tell him, firstly clubs have guidance to follow and low marks should be rare. They will most likely mark at or just above the 'acceptable' level simply because they wont wont to think about the constructive feedback they have to provide. Even if they do mark low, honestly the FA will be taking into account lots of factors refs age, experience etc and no negative outcome should be experienced by your son. He might be offered extra support but that's about it. He has by the sounds of what you've said done nothing wrong. The experience will hopefully lift his assertiveness over time and give him valuable life skills as well as aid fitness etc. Sometimes it takes a while to really enjoy something assuming its new to him. The game is all about opinions and at the end of the dayu ONLY his mattered. Assuming he wasn't being marked by County FA then it literally is HIS decision and he can even override both assistants.

 

[ROSM]

First of all, I'm really sorry to read what has happened here. Footbaĺl needs refs. His report needs to be factual,

Also well done for speaking to a coach.

I reffed on and off for last 20 years. My son (16) is a new referee in his 1st full season. He has been okay so far. Isnt card happy, wants to play advantage and as a recent player, does understand what defenders and forwards are doing in the box.

Last week he had a situation where a keeper came out of his area, had eyes on the ball and collided with the attacker. The attacker still got to the ball, ref played advantage and the attacker didnt end up scoring.

Now he could have booked the keeper. Play had gone on too long to call back after advantage.

After the game a parent near me was bad mouthing him to another group of parents. Saying he was 'piss poor'. I said i was the refs dad and he then proceeded to loudly and rudely give me his views. He said that the keeper was the last man and should have been sent off (there are no laws that reference last man, not that the keeper was, and law 12 actually reads as the incident had been reffed)

He then complained as there had been 44 mins 1st half and 45 second rather than 40 (guess what? The ball had to be collected from down hills, in bushes etc many many times plus there had been injuries in both halves and by my watch he could have played another minute each half)

Finally he complained about a penalty appeal which was correctly not given as keeper lost the ball from a high cross, attacker didnt have it under control and was going down/off balance before any contact from defender.

I had to stand there and take it, didnt try to explain as frankly im not sure he would have understood it either.

In any case my son didnt hear it. Earlier in the season he had been praised by a recent ex albion player and coach whose son had played in a game he reffed, for being calm and clear and letting play flow.

The point is, whatever a coach says the reality is coaches will make mistakes, players will, asst refs especially when a parent or player will, and yet we expect amateur refs to be perfect and even if they make mistakes it will be their judgement rather than malicious.

Dont let it affect you and support him. He will be great and an asset to football

 

[Charlie Livesey]

Thank you for your replies so far.

I sort of posted in anger, I feel better now for getting it off my chest.

The boy seems fine now, singing to himself while on the Xbox.

Truth is I don’t know what occurred, I tend not to watch too much of the match as I don’t want to put extra pressure on him, I went off with the dog and returned just as he blew and walked off in a state.

Reluctantly as I don’t want to wet nurse him I did challenge the worse one of the two coaches and in fairness he was quite apologetic and I think a bit embarrassed when I highlighted his age (he does look older than he is)

One possibility, on reflection, is my lad can be quite sensitive but as a father I just want him to enjoy what he’s doing.

It could also be a case that I don’t get it. I’ve never been really competitive, as much as I love the Albion I often just “accept it” when we lose.
I don’t understand U13 matches being treated like the World Cup final

I’ve encouraged my son to be honest and detailed with his match report and to email the league with details and how he feels about it.

In conclusion I don’t want anyone tarred and feathered, What I do want is a situation where at this level, the referee’s decision is final and a mistake is accepted as such. Is that too much to ask?

Thanks again everyone.

Hope your boy is ok, recieving abuse at that age when you are giving up leisure time for the benefit of others is unacceptable, If he finds the abuse has a detrimental effect on his mental health he should walk away.

 

[Peacehaven Wild Kids]

@@@@@@@@@@

You’ve all given us so much to discuss.

Each and EVERY post on here has given us a discussion point.

Personally speaking I have never been more proud and grateful of being a member of NSC.

My son is happy now, he’s read the thread and personally I believe he’s going to continue.

There are always two sides to every story but regardless of that he’s my boy and his happiness and well being is of paramount importance to me
while I do need to remind him that life is sometimes hard and people are sometimes (even if they are unaware of it) arseholes.

Thanking you all (once again) for your support.

 

[portlock seagull]

I had to stand there and take it, didnt try to explain as frankly im not sure he would have understood it either.

This bit is key and critical advice. You should not engage with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

 

[ROSM]

@@@@@@@@@@

You’ve all given us so much to discuss.

Each and EVERY post on here has given us a discussion point.

Personally speaking I have never been more proud and grateful of being a member of NSC.

My son is happy now, he’s read the thread and personally I believe he’s going to continue.

There are always two sides to every story but regardless of that he’s my boy and his happiness and well being is of paramount importance to me
while I do need to remind him that life is sometimes hard and people are sometimes (even if they are unaware of it) arseholes.

Thanking you all (once again) for your support.

My other son (currently out injured) plays for a peacehaven team.

Given my background in reffing and having been a youth coach for 9 years. If you or he want a chat or someone to observe a game in the future for moral support, please let me know.

 

[timbha]

@@@@@@@@@@

You’ve all given us so much to discuss.

Each and EVERY post on here has given us a discussion point.

Personally speaking I have never been more proud and grateful of being a member of NSC.

My son is happy now, he’s read the thread and personally I believe he’s going to continue.

There are always two sides to every story but regardless of that he’s my boy and his happiness and well being is of paramount importance to me
while I do need to remind him that life is sometimes hard and people are sometimes (even if they are unaware of it) arseholes.

Thanking you all (once again) for your support.

Arseholes, like dickeads is a very underused but valuable word to describe someone, needing no further explanation.

 

[Cotton Socks]

I slightly disagree - do say "arseholes". Its a word designed to help your boy remember your advice - and its accurate. Think of it as an aide memoire (sp?)

This is one of those things that depend on your hierarchy of swear words. My jnr is 16 & I've only just started to use the word tw@t in front of him which oddly enough I tend to use towards certain youtubers he forces me to watch.
I may have started to mumble FFS under my breath lately (that he can almost certainly hear). Bloody hell & oh s**t are now not so quiet. Calling someone an arsehole seems just derogatory, however calling someone a tw@t adds in the point that they have no idea what they're talking about!

 

[Swimboy64]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

Were you there with him?

 

[BN9 BHA]

Were you there with him?

You will find the answer by continuing to read the thread. Post #19

 

[dejavuatbtn]

Agree with all of this. The game needs lads like yours, it doesn’t need gobby parents acting like pricks. If you don’t put a complaint /report in they’ll keep doing it - at the very least the SCFA will probably write to the club asking them to control ‘their‘ people.

If they are consistent with previous they will haul the home club or both clubs in for a disciplinary enquiry.

 

[dazzer6666]

If they are consistent with previous they will haul the home club or both clubs in for a disciplinary enquiry.

Yep…..hence the need to report it - they probably have form, if not they they soon will.

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

It really is a complete mystery as to why we struggle with refs in this country.

Depending on the level of abuse, which sounds high, those involved should be given long bans, if not kicked out completely and the teams given massive points deductions.

The local FAs will of course do nothing other than a slap on the wrist

Those abusing a young ref are the same ones crying about not having a decent standard in the top league, I wonder why.

Grass roots refs should just refuse to ref for a month.

 

[Peacehaven Wild Kids]

My other son (currently out injured) plays for a peacehaven team.

Given my background in reffing and having been a youth coach for 9 years. If you or he want a chat or someone to observe a game in the future for moral support, please let me know.

Thank you