[Football] Parental advice needed for a father of a 14 year old ref.

[A mex eyecan]

I’d report them. I’d also suggest he writes a letter of complaint to each of the Clubs Chairperson and ask if they condone so called grown coaches behaving that way to a child, and if they don’t then what action they will take over one of their representatives bullying a minor. Their reply would be interesting to see.

 

[LamieRobertson]

It's not binary, I'd say a bit of both.

Agreed

 

[Hugo Rune]

Adult coaches of Sunday football kids’ teams bullying a 14 year old?

What sad, little, inadequate men they must be.

My thoughts.

Utterly pathetic and an horrific example to the kids in their team.

Thick-as-**** coaching. The children/players should be taught to respect the ref. If they feel there has been an injustice, they have the power to put it right by playing better.

Listening to their coaches abusing a 14 year old kid is not going to do any of those children any good at all.

 

[Official Old Man]

We'll all give advice on here and then give the ref a whole load of abuse during our next game.

 

[beorhthelm]

definately report to the FA. if coaches are getting nasty with the ref what example is that setting, and how are they behaving with the players?

 

[Peacehaven Wild Kids]

Depends, was the criticism fair, but upsetting to hear, or were they abusive?
If he has enjoyed reffing to date but just had a bad day, I would encourage him to continue. I would write to the FA either way and describe what happened, either asking for advice on how to manage these situations, or complain about the abuse.
It is always going to be a role where you will get some criticism and a bit if anger directed at you from time to time though, from players at least, so if he wants to carry on, he is going to have to learn to not take it to heart, and let the coaches know he will card them or abandon the game if he feels threatened.

Once again, you’ve all been very helpful however this reply does stand out, especially the first line.
Were they over the top? Was my boy too sensitive? I didn’t witness it, I don’t think anyone did as the coaches were opposite from the spectators that naturally stood the side of the tea bar.

Like I’ve said, I possibly posted in haste/anger

Both myself and more importantly, the lad are feeling better now 2 hours on.

 

[Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo]

A mixture of both I would say, email and complain to the league but utilise the unfortunately early life lesson for him that a lot of people are fuckwits.
Hopefully this doesn't dissuade your lad from doing an important role that presumably he has previously enjoyed

This is exactly what I was going to say. Encourage him to stick with it if he's enjoying it, don't let the bullies win. Email the league, grown men behaving like that towards a kid is unacceptable. That isn't setting a good example to their young players.

 

[BN9 BHA]

Living their dream of being PL coaches through children, all of them are muppets!

Unfair comment to be honest, my 2 sons played from a young age up until U23 and the other one U18, luckily they were coached by some very good people in most of the teams they played for.
Definitely saw some muppets though and clueless bullies unfortunately.
Youngest lad played against a kids team managed by Adam Hinshelwood who in my opinion came across as a fantastic coach and person.

 

[Postman Pat]

He's got to submit a report outlining what happened, for his own sanity as much as anything else. Hopefully the FA do take action, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Ultimately its got to be his decision, I would suggest he joins the local Referees Association and he'll get support for issues like this in future from refs that have been through this, as it will happen again.

I really hope he sticks at it, as someone who got to County league I enjoyed my time, I stopped once work/family/football got too much.

 

[Billy the Fish]

One possibility, on reflection, is my lad can be quite sensitive but as a father I just want him to enjoy what he’s doing.

When you're a kid, negative comments from an adult will always be more hurtful.

 

[Chicken Run]

Unfair comment to be honest, my 2 sons played from a young age up until U23 and the other one U18, luckily they were coached by some very good people in most of the teams they played for.
Definitely saw some muppets though and clueless bullies unfortunately.
Youngest lad played against a kids team managed by Adam Hinshelwood who in my opinion came across as a fantastic coach and person.

Fair point, most of them are muppet’s not all of them

 

[Baldseagull]

Thank you for your replies so far.

I sort of posted in anger, I feel better now for getting it off my chest.

The boy seems fine now, singing to himself while on the Xbox.

Truth is I don’t know what occurred, I tend not to watch too much of the match as I don’t want to put extra pressure on him, I went off with the dog and returned just as he blew and walked off in a state.

Reluctantly as I don’t want to wet nurse him I did challenge the worse one of the two coaches and in fairness he was quite apologetic and I think a bit embarrassed when I highlighted his age (he does look older than he is)

One possibility, on reflection, is my lad can be quite sensitive but as a father I just want him to enjoy what he’s doing.

It could also be a case that I don’t get it. I’ve never been really competitive, as much as I love the Albion I often just “accept it” when we lose.
I don’t understand U13 matches being treated like the World Cup final

I’ve encouraged my son to be honest and detailed with his match report and to email the league with details and how he feels about it.

In conclusion I don’t want anyone tarred and feathered, What I do want is a situation where at this level, the referee’s decision is final and a mistake is accepted as such. Is that too much to ask?

Thanks again everyone.

A friend who used to Ref could take all the shit, would remind players that it was his opinion based on what he saw, he might be wrong but it was his honest opinion. He would lose his shit though if anyone called him a cheat.

 

[hart's shirt]

Thank you for your replies so far.

PM sent.

 

[Garry Nelson's Left Foot]

If they were genuinely abusive then the coaches 100% need to be reported.

I would also say I don't think a 14 year old should be reffing a U-13 match. I think the age is too similar and can lead to issues. There should be a decent gap age wise between a young ref learning his trade and the teams he is reffing. Generally speaking(in my experience at least) the younger the teams the less aggressive/reactive everyone involved is.

As you go through the age groups the players themselves become more and more competitive and ready to argue. That can be a difficult thing to deal with for the ref and can lead to him making more mistakes and thus leading to more negativity/abuse/complaints from the players and those watching. Of course none of that should happen but unfortunately it does.

I think it is incredibly unfair/remiss of the F.A or whoever provides the refs to leave a 14 year old in charge of a U13 game. The ref is still a child themself and should have an official adult with them to help out and deal with any issues coaches/players/parents have. They can also offer constructive advice on the young refs performance. I realise this might not be possible logistically but something along those lines needs to be provided. Either that or don't let kids ref above U-9 until they're 16. And not above U-13
until they're 18.

 

[portslade seagull]

When I reffed if anybody was over stepping the mark with abuse be it the coaches or supporters on the line I stopped the game and would go to the respective manager and advise if it didn't stop I would report them to the league which in most cases would end up being a monetary fine which they could I'll afford.
Your son should write up a report to highlight what he suffered to make the league aware as both teams could be serial offenders

 

[portlock seagull]

How do I play this? My 14 year old refereeing son has just left the field of play virtually in tears after receiving shit loads of criticism from both coaches this morning in a kids match.

Do I a) get him to dust himself down, encourage him to take it on the chin, tell him how he’s doing a great job under difficult circumstances (I.e working with 2 unqualified sometimes bias linos) and remind him how proud we are of him while still learning his trade doing an important role in a game he loves, and teach him the value of toughening up and taking the rough with the smooth.

or

b) email the league and tell them to shove it up their arses, it’s not worth the fuckin aggro.?

I’m 56 years old I’m seriously learning towards option b)

Is option a) a better choice?

Thanks in advance

C) Go round the critics house and kill them. This sends a message and also demonstrates to your son that in life you have to back words with actions, which ironically the critics didn’t. Thus they missed their chance and won’t now get a second chance, also a life lesson. Just watch the difference at the next game once word gets round. No one will mess with your son, and he’ll likely go on to reach the top of the profession. Everyone knows Collina was former mafia and was rubbish at ref-ing, everyone was just scarred of him.

Alternatively just give him a cuddle, tell him today he met some arseholes and there’s quite a few more out there who should not dictate his choices in life. Go back out there son next week, and forget about it!

PS a Wimpy burger fries and milkshake also help in these situations.

 

[Springal]

I’ve referee’d before and did do some kids games while training which were probably the worse ones I did.

I’d suggest contacting the league, the FA and possibly even Refsupport charity. There should be well established processes to deal with this thing. I’d suggest your lad documents it well, giving some time to cool down a bit and submit his report as normal.

Depends on the character of your lad but I’d say stick with it as the good games generally outweigh the bad - and starting young is a good time to get involved if he wants to get to any kind of level.

 

[Zeberdi]

Depends, was the criticism fair, but upsetting to hear, or were they abusive?
If he has enjoyed reffing to date but just had a bad day, I would encourage him to continue. I would write to the FA either way and describe what happened, either asking for advice on how to manage these situations, or complain about the abuse.
It is always going to be a role where you will get some criticism and a bit if anger directed at you from time to time though, from players at least, so if he wants to carry on, he is going to have to learn to not take it to heart, and let the coaches know he will card them or abandon the game if he feels threatened.

Best reply.

Facts first before launching in with shooting from the hip advice that if followed might make the situation worse if it was not appropriate action to take. Followed by a measured response and a constructive way forward.

 

[drew]

We'll all give advice on here and then give the ref a whole load of abuse during our next game.

There is a massive difference between criticising well paid professional officials when they make glaring mistakes and giving a 14 year old an abysmal time when he is just starting out and learning the job. I have a lot of time for grassroots officials (I coached a girls team for nearly 10 years) but feel those at the top of the profession set a very poor example which makes it harder for those at the grassroots!!

In this case, I hope the lad carries on but a report should be made. For all you know there may well be other refs that have complained about these coaches and the evidence starts to stack up. I'd also suggest that for the next few matches, the OP hangs around and if his son is getting abuse, record it on your phone and submit that ot the league.

 

[Mr Bridger]

Too many sensible replies here. Only way to set a good example and that is to start windmilling at all and sundry if it happens again.