[Help] OT neighbour advice

[Chicken Run]

Hoping for some useful advise on dealing with my next door neighbour.
He has recently retired and has lots of time on his hands, he seems to use most of that giving me a hard time. On occasions I have some waste from work collected from the shared drive and he hates that but it’s kind of unavoidable for me running a small business and I always have it collected within a day of putting it there.

More recently he has started to become angry bordering aggressive, telling me how and where I can park, how I should or shouldn’t maintain my garden and whilst I was on holiday last week he decided to take the waste I’d left out and arranged to be collected back in my garden. (Trespassing as the gate was locked). He has also sent me a few angry emails with pictures he has taken of my garden over the wall and from his bedroom windows.

We used to get on well but after him shouting at me about my van being parked outside his house I told him to piss off, i know that hasn’t helped but I’d had a long day and it’s onstreet parking.

He has now sent me a text demanding a meeting at a neutral location that is 4 miles away from where we live. He is making me out to be some kind of neighbour from well when in actual fact I’ve done nothing but improve my house since we brought it 8 years ago!

He used to seem a nice guy and I’ve even done a fair bit of work for him in the past but I feel I need to put a stop to this despite him thinking I’m in the wrong.

You say you have your waste collected within a day yet you then say you ****ed off on holiday and left it there, I’d have posted it through your door!!

 

[Spicy]

It may be a good idea to have the proposed meeting and try and find some middle ground where you can discuss each others grievances.

Maybe start the meeting by apologising for telling him to p off, explaining that you were not feeling too good on that day. Small gesture but hopefully will break the ice.

Explain the waste situation and if it's unavoidable tell him so, if you can store it somewhere else for pickup then do that.

Just don't take an aggressive stance and hopefully you will both leave the meeting with a smile on your faces.

Some good advice there and the sooner you follow it the better as things will not get any better left to fester.

 

[Spicy]

Even if it gets collected the next day, if it happens every few days then that's a regular eye sore. And now he's retired, he has to look at it all day.

Also, don't under estimate how territorial humans are, even when it's irrational. It's one reason why we've survived as a species and is hard-wired into our genetic make up. It's why we get so upset about things like someone sitting in your regular seat, even if a stadium isn't full.

It's you causing the problem, so I think it's up to you to find a solution - some good ideas mentioned above.

Exactly. I haven't spoken to my neighbour since I came home and found a 10 foot hole had been dug in their very small garden and the back wall of their house removed (which is attached to mine). It's a wonder he's not buried in that very same hole!

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Bet he voted Leave.

 

[Sussexscots]

I think in the first instance that while using the shared drive and dealing with the waste promptly seemed reasonable and unavoidable to you, consultation with the neighbour first should have happened - I would say this is perhaps where you are in the wrong. As a shared facility it shouldn't be assumed this necessity to you is acceptable to your neighbour. You could have presented this to your neighbour as a choice for them to agree, that you would remove it same day etc. and that you really needed to do it for your business, then you put it on him to be reasonable or unreasonable in agreeing with it. As it is, he has had to accept this happening and it's clearly made him increasingly frustrated and hostile.

To de-escalate, rather than an attitude 'putting a stop to this' I would suggest you need to start with an apology for not having asked him first about the shared drive and that you are sorry for any inconvenience and anxiety that has caused. I'm not saying apologise for any of your actions, just that you didn't speak to him first (assuming you didn't of course).

That should hopefully set a tone for the meeting that you are conciliatory and that from that point you can discuss the main reasons he is so annoyed without confrontation.

As unreasonable as you feel he is being, you are the one that needs use of the shared drive, so in a way it is incumbent on you to show willing to compromise in order for acceptance of that use. Perhaps agreeing not to park a van outside his house, that you'll keep the garden tidy - I would say they are small concessions to make in order to improve the relationship and enable to continue to use the drive.

If he's steadfast refusing to accept that usage, then it does become more difficult, and I guess you have to take a view whether you can avoid using it altogether, and present the alternatives to him like you'll get a license for a skip on the road once a week, or you'll pile it on your front garden and there would be nothing he could do about it and it would be a lot worse than the olive branch you're offering him.

Good luck!

(as [MENTION=785]clippedgull[/MENTION] said!)

Think this is the best way forward/ Best if the situation can be defused before it becomes even more bitter.

If you agree to a meeting on neutral ground, smile and take a conciliatory tone then find out what his actual grievances are, explain your circumstances and discuss compromise he may be quite reasonable about stuff. Tends to be lack of communication that leads to entrenched positions and rows.

 

[Wrong-Direction]

This. Also work vans should be banned from residential properties. Even vans parked close-by are an eyesore, let alone on a shared drive. There is no mention of the type or size, but assuming it is not a car sized one, it could also inhibit on his parking (even if "on the posters side", it would restrict movement and door swing).

I feel sorry for the neighbour. The OP sounds like a neighbour from hell, and will hopefully have moved before the poor guy needs to sell his home.

So where the **** do all the tradesmen park then?

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[Herr Tubthumper]

Have an affair with his wife. Or even better his daughter.

 

[Brownstuff]

Love thy neighbour
If this is not possible dispose of the body carefully

 

[BN9 BHA]

It is in the restrictive covenants on my property - no caravans or mobile homes, no business vans or lorries. Applies to all properties on the estate.

In BARNSLEY??

 

[BN9 BHA]

Also work vans should be banned from residential properties. Even vans parked close-by are an eyesore, let alone on a shared drive. .

FFS
Strange comment, my work van which I own and I use for my business, is new not sign written and cleaner than many cars I see driving around.
It’s parked on my driveway outside my house.

Any suggestions to where I should park it when I’m not working?

 

[portlock seagull]

Remember he's an older generation and theirs generally had more of a sense of community, neighbourly, home wasn't a place of work, less congested parking etc. And, being elderly, more likely to call a spade a spade and you do sound like you've created a bit of an ongoing mess on his doorstep. Buy him a box of Roses or Quality Street and knock on the door with a smile and 'fancy a chat...' type enquiry without the drama of a big build up 4 miles away like you're doing a kidnapping exchange when everyone's going to be all angst and worked up for. Better to just pick an opportune moment. Besides the neutral ground is your shared driveway, seems ridiculous you can't invite each other in to each others house. Everyone I invite into mine, even if I don't like, is respected, made to feel welcome. Except the dog: she just arrived one day and frankly takes liberties sitting on the sofa, demanding more food etc.

 

[dejavuatbtn]

My next door neighbour has had an empty mobile kebab trailer parked on his half of our shared drive for three years. He has to go onto our part to get in and out of his garage. It’s an eyesore and he is hoping to sell it as he acknowledges it’s losing him money. I have tried the softly/softly approach with him because I recognise neighbour disputes can cause greater problems - the last person in the house used to beat his missus and shout abuse at his kids, luckily a written threat to contact social services ended up with them splitting up and moving out.

 

[LadySeagull]

Buy him a box of Roses or Quality Street and knock on the door with a smile

Or a packet of Werther's Originals and he will be your friend for life...

 

[AmexRuislip]

Remember he's an older generation and theirs generally had more of a sense of community, neighbourly, home wasn't a place of work, less congested parking etc. And, being elderly, more likely to call a spade a spade and you do sound like you've created a bit of an ongoing mess on his doorstep. Buy him a box of Roses or Quality Street and knock on the door with a smile and 'fancy a chat...' type enquiry without the drama of a big build up 4 miles away like you're doing a kidnapping exchange when everyone's going to be all angst and worked up for. Better to just pick an opportune moment. Besides the neutral ground is your shared driveway, seems ridiculous you can't invite each other in to each others house. Everyone I invite into mine, even if I don't like, is respected, made to feel welcome. Except the dog: she just arrived one day and frankly takes liberties sitting on the sofa, demanding more food etc.

I'm having this image of you sitting in your armchair, wearing a barbour jacket, whilst holding a shotgun and shouting at your neighbours across the Thames

 

[Super Steve Earle]

My understanding is that these conditions are generally put there by the developer so that the site looks as nice as possible while they have houses to sell. Therefore once they've sold the last plot they have no interest is ensuring the covenants are adhered to.

Sorry Ash, you're wrong. They are put there by the developer to encourage purchasers to buy houses where business vans etc won't be an issue in quiet residential areas. This is often in newer developments which aren't adopted by local councils where maintenance of the roads and estate is passed by the developers to a management company run by residents/directors. Such covenants are taken seriously and may be enforced by usually by soft touch with a letter or sometimes a parking enforcement company.

 

[Icy Gull]

There is a builder down the road from me who permanently has a skip in his drive into which he empties his building waste until it’s full and then gets another one in. That would really piss me off and so would a neighbour who dumps his waste on a shared drive, if I had one. I’m on the neighbour’s side on this one, especially as the op hasn’t thought it necessary to actually discuss his neigbours thoughts on making an eyesore in front of his neigbours house on a drive that is half his.

 

[jackanada]

My next door neighbour has had an empty mobile kebab trailer parked on his half of our shared drive for three years. He has to go onto our part to get in and out of his garage. It’s an eyesore and he is hoping to sell it as he acknowledges it’s losing him money. I have tried the softly/softly approach with him because I recognise neighbour disputes can cause greater problems - the last person in the house used to beat his missus and shout abuse at his kids, luckily a written threat to contact social services ended up with them splitting up and moving out.

You really should have just called social services rather than saving it for leverage

 

[junior]

What sort of waste is it? I'd wager you're the problem, not him.

 

[Marty___Mcfly]

Neighbours-

Everybody needs, good neighbours.

Just a friendly wave, each morning.

You could find, the perfect blend.

Neighbours, should be there for one, another.

That’s when good neighbours, become, good, friends.

UTA


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[dejavuatbtn]

You really should have just called social services rather than saving it for leverage

Police were already monitoring situation and had visited on a number of occasions.