Official, yet unwritten MALE rules

[John Dorian]

here's two:

1) If on your own at the house, with no female intrusion into ur happy little world it is ok to LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP as it aids piss stop break times no end !!!

2) Don't ebay when drunk

Add your unwritten male rules.

 

[Seagulltonian]

It's O.K. to sit on the settee watching T.V., whilst scratching your nuts (Again, no females to be present of course !)

 

[Goodfella]

It is OK to leave ALL the cupboard doors open, if you so wish.

 

[Meade's Ball]

If you are going to murder your own bride, do so on the honeymoon. Return home with her head in a satchel. In the coming weeks take photos of yourself snogging that eyed, rotting bubble. Build it a box and re-name it. Move love to its mouth on film for others to innocently view and pen her diary with a series of bloodless Xes.

 

[Billy the Fish]

No talking at the urinal. It's the law

 

[Goodfella]

If you are going to murder your own bride, do so on the honeymoon. Return home with her head in a satchel. In the coming weeks take photos of yourself snogging that eyed, rotting bubble. Build it a box and re-name it. Move love to its mouth on film for others to innocently view and pen her diary with a series of bloodless Xes.

Now that's a great idea.

 

[Les Biehn]

Following through so that you shit yourself. I love that one.

 

[Meade's Ball]

Following through so that you shit yourself. I love that one.

Its great for a clownish woman to be crudely sat on your very lips and then, as she finishes herself off before Eastenders starts, lays a curvy, leafless branch on your chest in amongst the crabby jungle of one's torso.

 

[Les Biehn]

Its great for a clownish woman to be crudely sat on your very lips and then, as she finishes herself off before Eastenders starts, lays a curvy, leafless branch on your chest in amongst the crabby jungle of one's torso.

Or a hot lunch. Either is good.

 

[Easy 10]

Here are my rules. Posted a while back, but they still stand.

1. Clipping my fingernails. She HATES the sound it makes, and insists I do it in another room. I'll do it where I want.

2. Waggling my finger in my ear after a shower to unblock the water. Again, I think its the sound, although its a HELL of a lot louder in MY head, and I don't moan.

3. Picking my nose in the car and wiping it under the seat. Does SHE hoover my car ? No. So whats the problem ?

4. Ogling women on the TV, particularly Britney. Look, I'm never going to get to shag her am I ? Lighten up.

5. Not finishing DIY jobs. Yes, I KNOW I havn't finished the dado rail in the hallway yet, which I started two years ago. I still wallpapered though, didn't I ? Its a work in progress. Innit.

6. Snoring when I've been on the beer. Its hardly MY fault, is it ? I don't actually decide to snore, it just happens without my knowledge. I am, therefore, blameless.

7. Volume on my DVD surround. No, I'm not deaf. I do not have difficulty hearing. I just like it THUNDEROUSLY LOUD sometimes cos it sounds great, ok ?

8. Flicking through adverts. Yes, there's a distinct risk of missing 10 seconds of the programme we are watching by channel-hopping during breaks, but its a risk I'm prepared to take. Live with it.

9. Beer bottle tops in the cutlery draw. Look, the bottle opener is in the draw, and when I open a beer, the top just falls in. Its simply not worth a special trip to the bin to dispose of it.

10. Farts are hilarious, more so when they smell bad. There are no lasting effects, and we should enjoy the mirth they bring into our lives. No point getting uppity about it.

 

[Les Biehn]

3. Picking my nose in the car and wiping it under the seat. Does SHE hoover my car ? No. So whats the problem ?

I never want to go in your car

8. Flicking through adverts. Yes, there's a distinct risk of missing 10 seconds of the programme we are watching by channel-hopping during breaks, but its a risk I'm prepared to take. Live with it.

Ain't dat the troof roof!

 

[SurreySeagulls]

Should I wish to see what interesting educational programmes are available on the Adult section on the Sky menu then this should not be a reason for a mass debate but should encourage horse play

 

[Easy 10]

I never want to go in your car

Don't worry. Its nowhere near the BACK seat.

 

[pasty]

6. Snoring when I've been on the beer. Its hardly MY fault, is it ? I don't actually decide to snore, it just happens without my knowledge. I am, therefore, blameless.

Ditto farting in bed.

Another one for when I am in thehouse on my own - going for a huge dump with the bathroom door wide open.

 

[colinpants]

7. Volume on my DVD surround. No, I'm not deaf. I do not have difficulty hearing. I just like it THUNDEROUSLY LOUD sometimes cos it sounds great, ok ?

7i. and watching a good film with the light off, thats why it's called 'home cinema'.

 

[Easy 10]

Another one for when I am in thehouse on my own - going for a huge dump with the bathroom door wide open.

Good one. I do that when I'm shitting in the downstairs toilet. The toilet door opens out into the hallway, right next to where my DVD's are housed. I often sit there casting an eye over my collection, pondering which film to watch.

 

[Les Biehn]

Good one. I do that when I'm shitting in the downstairs toilet. The toilet door opens out into the hallway, right next to where my DVD's are housed. I often sit there casting an eye over my collection, pondering which film to watch.

I can see the tv from our downstairs shitter which is prety handle when I'm in the house by my self

 

[Commander]

If you are going to murder your own bride, do so on the honeymoon. Return home with her head in a satchel. In the coming weeks take photos of yourself snogging that eyed, rotting bubble. Build it a box and re-name it. Move love to its mouth on film for others to innocently view and pen her diary with a series of bloodless Xes.

Bad day, MB?

 

[desprateseagull]

how many others wipe bogies under their carseats??

1- always get your round in at the pub, unless mates are notified in advance that you are skint - 'punishment' is first the 2 rounds, next visit.. unknown 'friends of friends' get their own!

2- split cost of any meals out equally, unless someone blows out on a massive steak etc- they do the tip.

3- always say please and thankyou, when getting a BJ- it shows good manners!

4- try to spend at least 60% of a first date looking at the woman's face, rather than just her boobs..

5- always safety minded, offer them a lift home- but understand when they politely decline as they dont know if you are some crazed stalker!

6- DO NOT press ypurself up against women in the supermarket/bus queue etc.. thats what lifts and niteclubs are for!

 

[Charles 'Charley' Charles]

7. Volume on my DVD surround. No, I'm not deaf. I do not have difficulty hearing. I just like it THUNDEROUSLY LOUD sometimes cos it sounds great, ok ?

7i. and watching a good film with the light off, thats why it's called 'home cinema'.

7ii For gods sake ladies please do NOT talk when watching a film, yes you probably have seen him/her in something else, but when said person is just about to release a barrage of machine gun fire, is not the time to talk about it. Home cinema is home cinema, do you talk at the cinema?



Also men are comfortable in silence, we don't need the reassurance of conversation.

Another rule, when with new females you never, ever run your friends down.