O/T When your child is being bullied......

[Gully]

The sad fact is that bullies often act in that manner to make up for some inadequacy in their own life, or to actually mask a more serious problem. Going directly to the parents of the child(ren) may work...unfortunately they may not give a toss, or the child might actually reflect the behaviour that they see at home and consider that to be normal. I know it isn't any consolation, particularly in the case of Miss Coach, but those who bully often go on to lead insignificant and unfulfilling lives...whereas she is more likely to grow up with an appreciation of others.

 

[London Calling]

Caveman's point is worth taking note off.
Bullying is oftewn a reflection of the child's inadaquate relationship with their Parent(s). Bully's rarely act on their own. Very often these parents are the last people you want to encounter.

Tread carefully in this respect.

 

[Mrs Coach]

Point taken. Many thanks. x

 

[HampshireSeagulls]

OK - from a teacher's point of view.

Your school should have a home link person (or pastoral care responsible person). Flag it up to them, book a meeting to go in, and document everything that has happened. Take photos. Let the school know that you are taking this approach in view of their lack of action in the past. Also ask for the name of the Chair of Governors, and the people on the Governors' Panel who have responsbility for the policy relating to this (all policies are written and ratified by the Panel of Governors - ask for a copy of the most recent revision - do not be fobbed off, they can print you one with a revision date on it). Do not give the school chance to side line you or cut you off. Have all this written down, and present it as an ultimatum. Keep calm, state facts, and then ask them what they plan to do, but let them have 24 hours to give you a written response. If they do not respond satisfactorily, then tell them that you are unhappy, and will be proceeding through the LEA, and also if you believe that anything has happened which is against the laws of the country, you will then go to the police and take formal action against the perpetrators, and also the school for complicit ignorance/compliance of the situation. Should get you a result. You can threaten to remove your daughter from school if it continues as well.

Make sure that your daughter really is as clean as she says - frequently we find that it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other, and dates back to when they were a lot younger.

The "hit her back" fails to work because she is then guilty as the rest, and stands a good chance of either getting smacked back twice as hard by more people, or dropping herself in the poo. Also, are you ready to be met at the gates by the parents, who are likely to be larger versions of the bullies?

 

[bhaexpress]

OK - from a teacher's point of view.

Your school should have a home link person (or pastoral care responsible person). Flag it up to them, book a meeting to go in, and document everything that has happened. Take photos. Let the school know that you are taking this approach in view of their lack of action in the past. Also ask for the name of the Chair of Governors, and the people on the Governors' Panel who have responsbility for the policy relating to this (all policies are written and ratified by the Panel of Governors - ask for a copy of the most recent revision - do not be fobbed off, they can print you one with a revision date on it). Do not give the school chance to side line you or cut you off. Have all this written down, and present it as an ultimatum. Keep calm, state facts, and then ask them what they plan to do, but let them have 24 hours to give you a written response. If they do not respond satisfactorily, then tell them that you are unhappy, and will be proceeding through the LEA, and also if you believe that anything has happened which is against the laws of the country, you will then go to the police and take formal action against the perpetrators, and also the school for complicit ignorance/compliance of the situation. Should get you a result. You can threaten to remove your daughter from school if it continues as well.

Make sure that your daughter really is as clean as she says - frequently we find that it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other, and dates back to when they were a lot younger.

The "hit her back" fails to work because she is then guilty as the rest, and stands a good chance of either getting smacked back twice as hard by more people, or dropping herself in the poo. Also, are you ready to be met at the gates by the parents, who are likely to be larger versions of the bullies?

Most useful post of the month.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Sounds reasonable to me, Hampshire.

I don't think she'll thank you for following her to school, as that would make her stick out even more. With kids that age it's all about a group mentality- there's probably one inadequate who started it to make herself feel bigger, while the rest of them are joining in for fear of being picked out themselves. Nobody wants to be seen as different when you're that age.

I see it all the time with youngsters- they give it the biggun with us while they're part of the crowd, but nick them and stick them in the back of a police car and they'll cry like a baby.

 

[bhaexpress]

Sounds reasonable to me, Hampshire.

I don't think she'll thank you for following her to school, as that would make her stick out even more. With kids that age it's all about a group mentality- there's probably one inadequate who started it to make herself feel bigger, while the rest of them are joining in for fear of being picked out themselves. Nobody wants to be seen as different when you're that age.

I see it all the time with youngsters- they give it the biggun with us while they're part of the crowd, but nick them and stick them in the back of a police car and they'll cry like a baby.

Yes but when they're on their own you can beat the shit out of them (and why not ?)

 

[countrygull]

Welcome to BullyWatch UK!
Also childline has a very good bullying section

Good luck and make sure she can keep talking to you about it. It's when they go quiet and don't share it, it's most worrying

 

[Theatre of Trees]

OK - from a teacher's point of view.

Your school should have a home link person (or pastoral care responsible person). Flag it up to them, book a meeting to go in, and document everything that has happened. Take photos. Let the school know that you are taking this approach in view of their lack of action in the past. Also ask for the name of the Chair of Governors, and the people on the Governors' Panel who have responsbility for the policy relating to this (all policies are written and ratified by the Panel of Governors - ask for a copy of the most recent revision - do not be fobbed off, they can print you one with a revision date on it). Do not give the school chance to side line you or cut you off. Have all this written down, and present it as an ultimatum. Keep calm, state facts, and then ask them what they plan to do, but let them have 24 hours to give you a written response. If they do not respond satisfactorily, then tell them that you are unhappy, and will be proceeding through the LEA, and also if you believe that anything has happened which is against the laws of the country, you will then go to the police and take formal action against the perpetrators, and also the school for complicit ignorance/compliance of the situation. Should get you a result. You can threaten to remove your daughter from school if it continues as well.

Make sure that your daughter really is as clean as she says - frequently we find that it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other, and dates back to when they were a lot younger.

The "hit her back" fails to work because she is then guilty as the rest, and stands a good chance of either getting smacked back twice as hard by more people, or dropping herself in the poo. Also, are you ready to be met at the gates by the parents, who are likely to be larger versions of the bullies?

Another teacher here. See the tutor or year head as the first port of call the school should have a bullying policy and should act on it. What I will add is that the first year or so at school is full off friendship groups forming and splintering then resulting in bitching because the kids are too immature to deal with the fall outs.

If the bullying is extending into the cyber world ensure copies of any abusive messages are kept and logged. Bebo and MSN are particularly rife with cyber bullying but easy to track and log because most bullies have no idea how to cover their tracks. Texting via mobiles can also be a problem, save messages though a long term change of number may be necessary though no guarentee as most kids seem to liberally pass their numbers around.

Recently had a case of email bullying where the mother of one girl got herself involved in the abuse, we just decided to turn over the messages to the school police liaison officer and it all went pretty quiet after they had a word. Some parents are bullies but you'll find most are just as inadequate as their kids. The worst are those who insist their little darlings are nothing but angels.

 

[Spunk Bubble]

teach her to punch and punch hard

Great advice (NOT) ...you complete dick

 

[desprateseagull]

f its happening at school. deffo get teachers involved. had a nephew who was quite outgoing til started at a new school, but bully was doing over other kids as weel. when that person removed, he perked up no end, and doing great.

 

[Jamon Jamon]

Great advice (NOT) ...you complete dick

from first hand experience (I went to Moulsecoombe Middle and Falmer in the late 70's early 80's) this was the only course of action, going to a teacher/head or a parent made it 100x worse.


.

 

[Don't get me started]

What I will add is that the first year or so at school is full off friendship groups forming and splintering then resulting in bitching because the kids are too immature to deal with the fall outs.


It happened to my son at his first year at big school. Follow the process you have to give it a chance, it worked for us and now he's really happy.

 

[jevs]

OK - from a teacher's point of view.

Your school should have a home link person (or pastoral care responsible person). Flag it up to them, book a meeting to go in, and document everything that has happened. Take photos. Let the school know that you are taking this approach in view of their lack of action in the past. Also ask for the name of the Chair of Governors, and the people on the Governors' Panel who have responsbility for the policy relating to this (all policies are written and ratified by the Panel of Governors - ask for a copy of the most recent revision - do not be fobbed off, they can print you one with a revision date on it). Do not give the school chance to side line you or cut you off. Have all this written down, and present it as an ultimatum. Keep calm, state facts, and then ask them what they plan to do, but let them have 24 hours to give you a written response. If they do not respond satisfactorily, then tell them that you are unhappy, and will be proceeding through the LEA, and also if you believe that anything has happened which is against the laws of the country, you will then go to the police and take formal action against the perpetrators, and also the school for complicit ignorance/compliance of the situation. Should get you a result. You can threaten to remove your daughter from school if it continues as well.

Make sure that your daughter really is as clean as she says - frequently we find that it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other, and dates back to when they were a lot younger.

The "hit her back" fails to work because she is then guilty as the rest, and stands a good chance of either getting smacked back twice as hard by more people, or dropping herself in the poo. Also, are you ready to be met at the gates by the parents, who are likely to be larger versions of the bullies?

Thank you for that....copied for future reference (being dad to a 9 year old daughter)

Most useful post of the month.

It's only the 3rd (probably the most useful EVER on here)

 

[HampshireSeagulls]

And contrary to popular opinion, teachers would love to be told what is happening, sometimes the children simply don't let anyone know. It's quite hard to keep tabs on 30 children, all with flowing relationships and friendship groups. We miss the snags sometimes, when they could have been gripped early and sorted out. Given half a chance, the children involved benefit from a "sit down and listen" session with a teacher, it lets them all get it off their chests, and the teacher will give them a solution if they cannot find one themselves, and it can be monitored.

If you remain a calm, rational parent, we are far more likely to listen to you and be proactive in finding a solution. Hate to say it, but parents that come in with the sole intention of kicking off tend to find the shutters go down quite quickly. And never, ever, ever confront the children yourself - the police will have to get involved, and you have committed an offence against a child, no matter what the provocation. Never something good to come up on a CRB or a CV.

 

[Jimbo26]

from first hand experience (I went to Moulsecoombe Middle and Falmer in the late 70's early 80's) this was the only course of action, going to a teacher/head or a parent made it 100x worse.


.

Just sums up Moulsecoomb in a nutshell then. No different now probably

 

[Jamon Jamon]

Just sums up Moulsecoomb in a nutshell then. No different now probably

...so in every other part of the country going to a bullies parent or a teacher instantly resolves it then? where do you live Midsomer, Emmerdale or Heartbeatland?


.

 

[rusty redeyes]

Just sums up Moulsecoomb in a nutshell then. No different now probably

I can assure you it certainly happens out here in the wilds of Portslade as well. My 10yr old daughter had 2 years of crap at Benfield, until her "friend" moved away. My daughters problem, if it is indeed 1, was not to have a select group of friends but tends more to get along with everyone. The dynamics were all wrong, and while her situation was never physical, the verbal abuse was certainly nasty. The girl concerned had a very pleasant Mum, a Union rep, who was always asking if there were any problems and was as shocked as anyone that it was actually her little darling that was the common denominator in a whole raft of issues. There were other girls affected by this also. We found the school, at first, to be unresponsive, and while we didn't want to be on their case all the time and for Liv to sort it out for herself, constant badgering in the end prevailed.

Thankfully all settled now and 1 happy daughter again... Good luck

 

[perseus]

Do they have "Fainites" nowadays.

If you bash the bully, he goes running to the teacher and then you are the bully!

Snides are the worst type of bully. They make up stories and tell teacher.

 

[eastlondonseagull]

Nothing to do with Albion I know, but I wondered with the vast range of experience on here if someone has had a light at the end of the tunnel when trying to deal with their child being bullied at school?

After yet another distressed call from Princess Coach, I'm seriously fuming and trying to hold myself back from going and knocking a few heads together and getting myself thrown in the klink! For all the bluff and bluster of schools having 'anti-bullying policies' - do these things EVER get sorted?

I was bullied for a large chunk of my secondary school life, all of it verbal and mental - nothing physical - and it was awful. That was back in the eighties, and I thank my lucky stars that it wasn't happening now as I reckon it would be so much worse these days with email / mobile phones to be tormented through.

The trouble I had was that my dad always told me to turn the other cheek, stiff upper lip and all that, and laugh it off. I did exactly that, and I vividly remember the people who bullied me saying (amongst themselves) that they were amazed how much I put up with. But it bloody hurt inside, and I wish, now, that I'd been advised (and taught) to give them a good smack in the mouth.

Hope it all works out, Mrs Coach, my thoughts are with you.

(I was living in Merseyside when all this happened, btw, not in Brighton)

.