o/t Sharing a joke

[Triggaaar]

You don't buy books from a library.

Ok, so swap 'buy' to 'borrow'.

What are you buying a book in a library for when you can loan it for free?

See above.

You: I'd like to borrow the book on small penises
Librarian: I can't locate it at the moment

Yes, that's the one.

Rubbish - nowhere does the librarian or the user name the book title in the script.

Yes they do.

Oh ok - the librarian is a mind-reader and so too is the user?

User? WTF is a user? Why are you being dense?

 

[rigton70]

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine


The top 15 jokes at Edinburgh Fringe.

 

[GT49er]

You don't buy books from a library.

Yes you can. They sell off old stock.


(PS That's an answer to the post, not a contribution to the jokes thread).

 

[GT49er]

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine


The top 15 jokes at Edinburgh Fringe.

At least two of which found their way on to here earlier. Plagiarism rules!

 

[neilbard]

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you c**t."

 

[maffew]

I deleted all my german contacts from my phone. Now its Hans free

 

[Stato]

Rubbish - nowhere does the librarian or the user name the book title in the script.

Oh ok - the librarian is a mind-reader and so too is the user? Now that make sense.

So the lines should be:

A mind-reader walks into a library.
The librarian says "fu**k off - the book's not in yet".
User: "I'll come back another time".

Surely the traditional NSC version should be:

A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book about very small penises,
The librarian replies 'It isn't in yet,' and he says:
"In that case, wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."

 

[Lankyseagull]

I've just finished a book called "How to give constructive criticism".

It was sh*t!

 

[portlock seagull]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers

 

[portlock seagull]

I've just finished a book called "How to give constructive criticism".

It was sh*t!

I've just finished a book about glue. Couldn't put it down

 

[essbee1]

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you c**t."

Aaah! Tommy Cooper RIP.

 

[catfish]

I've been adopted by a bloke called Daz.

He's my non-biological father.

 

[Crispy Ambulance]

I like to travel around to lots of obscure places in this great country of ours.

Yesterday, I went to Not In Service

I went by bus!

 

[Albion in the north]

Wife: "do you see that drunk man over there?"
Husband: "Yes, do you know him?"
Wife: "Yes, 10 years ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down"
Husband: "And he's still celebrating?"

 

[catfish]

In Jamaica a steak & kidney pie costs £2.70, a chicken & mushroom £2.50 & an apple pie £2.

In Trinidad & Tobago it's £3, £2.80 & £2.20.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

[Gazwag]

In Jamaica a steak & kidney pie costs £2.70, a chicken & mushroom £2.50 & an apple pie £2.

In Trinidad & Tobago it's £3, £2.80 & £2.20.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Wouldn't they advertise in $$$$$'s

 

[Garage_Doors]

My grandad passed away peacefully in his sleep, unlike his passengers.

 

[Garage_Doors]

When i need to reach up high i don't have any real ladders, i only have a step ladder.

 

[Jack Straw]

I come from a long line of Conga dancers.

 

[Lindfield by the Pond]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers

Was that the grandfather that was a fighter pilot ace in WW2? The one that shot down countless planes, many of which were German?